Beware of Clarence

[+ deej]

This hits my in-box every 5 years or so. This is the year again. Thought I'd pass it on:

 

 

 

 

 

A second-rate burglar is plying his trade in a suburban home that he's quite certain is empty, having cased the place for several weeks. As he's filling his bag with loot he hears a shrill voice:

 

GOD IS WATCHING YOU!

 

He freezes. He's really sure nobody is home so where could the voice come from? He shrugs it off -- must be the wind -- and moves to the next shelf of valuable collectibles when he hears it again:

 

GOD IS WATCHING YOU!

 

By now he's spooked and really needs to know where the voice is coming from so he decides to risk turning on a light. There in a corner, on a perch, is a beautiful parrot who repeats:

 

GOD IS WATCHING YOU!

 

He said "You're a pretty bird! What's your name?" and the parrot replied:

 

CLARENCE! GOD IS WATCHING YOU!

 

Chuckling to himself for letting a parrot scare him, he turns the light back off and goes back to plundering, saying to himself "What idiot names a parrot Clarence?!?!"

 

And the parrot replied:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SAME IDIOT THAT NAMED THE ROTTWEILER GOD!

[+ honcho]

Thank you VERY VERY much! I *love* jokes like this. :+

[+ deej]

You're welcome. Feel free to post your own!

 

Here's another...

 

 

Once upon a time in the enchanted forest there lived three gnus. There was a mummy gnu. There was a daddy gnu. And there was a baby gnu. One day there was nothing to eat at dinner time.

 

So the daddy gnu decided to go out into the forest and collect some nuts and berries for dinner. Just then baby gnu piped up and said "Bleah! Nuts and berries again!" So the daddy gnu went out into the forest. Little did he know that it was hunting season for gnus. And as he was walking along...

 

BLAM! BLAM! ... the hunter killed him dead in his tracks.

 

After a while, mummy gnu decided that old pops must be lost out in the forest. So she said "Baby, you be a good gnu while I go out to look for your old man." She didn't know it was hunting season for gnus either. And as she was walking along...

 

BLAM! BLAM! The hunter killed her dead in her tracks.

 

After a while, baby gnu was getting a little lonely and decided to go out and look for his parents.

He didn't know it was hunting season either. And as he was walking along...

 

BLAM! BLAM! The hunter got him too. Shot him on the trail. Killed him dead in his tracks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well.... That's the gnus. The weather after this word from our sponsors.

[Guest zipperzone]

>Well.... That's the gnus. The weather after this word from our

>sponsors.

 

G R O A N

[+ Oliver]

I thought the punchline was going to be something like -

No gnus is good gnus!

 

Either way - groan!

[JT Brooklyn]

Oliver....L O L :P

[+ deej]

I gnu someone would go there.

 

Which reminds me of a story of a priest and a rabbi who were sharing a private railroad compartment. They stared at one another for a while trying to size each other up. Finally, the priest broke the silence and asked:

 

"Rabbi, tell me the truth. Have you ever eaten pork?" The rabbi was quiet for a few seconds, then admitted that he had, but not even pausing to take a breath, he asked the priest:

 

"Tell me father, have you ever had sex?" Sheepishly, the priest admitted that he had. The rabbi smiled and said: "Better than pork isn't it?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Hey, for some reason the jokes hitting my inbox this week have been exceptionally bad and therefore worth passing on. ;-))