Swimjock

Sorry again about the lag time. Partly a result of craziness at work, but partly wanting to process some before I could verbalize. And warning to those who object to "novels"-- this post (well, this thread) isn't for you.
 
My late wife's older brother came to town for a meeting last week. He arrived Thursday, intending to stay until Sunday so we could visit Plebe twin at the Academy and see DePaul twin who came home over the weekend. Friday morning he offered to get us Wizards tickets for that evening, which normally I'd have jumped at, but I suggested watching on TV and getting pizza, and even told him I wanted to talk some. He nodded and said okay, ands went off to his meeting. I was nervous all day, playing and replaying what I wanted to tell him.
 
So, evening came. Pizza, basketball, and good wine. I wondered if he'd ask what I wanted to talk about, but we watched the game, chatted about the boys and our jobs. Then the game ended, and I turned the TV off. He looked curious but waited for me to start, which I couldn't, at first. I just didn't know what to say.
 
Finally I said that being alone this fall had been hard, and I missed his sister so much. He is a big guy (I guess I'd call him bear-ish) but he does have facial expressions that are just like hers. I said I know I have focused on the boys, maybe too much, and I can't do that any more, they don't need it for one thing.
 
I paused, unsure where to go, and he said that I didn't need to say anything, he and his parents have wanted me to do what I felt was best, and that his sister wouldn't have wanted me to be alone all this time. He clearly thought that my "talk" was going to be about moving on and starting to see women, maybe marrying again. So I smiled and sighed and said thanks but it's more complicated. My heart was pounding, and I'm sure he sensed I was nervous.
 
I said, as many of you have suggested, that I truly, dearly loved his sister and our marriage was great. But that I have had to acknowledge what I denied for a long time, and that's the fact that I have been physically attracted to men, and that at least for now, I'm more interested in men than in women.
 
Well. If he'd been drinking his wine at that point I think he'd have done a spit take, and as it was, his jaw literally dropped open. He sputtered a bit and finally said "What?" I repeated myself, I think in the same words. "Wait, wait. You... ?" he said, and I nodded. He shook his head and didn't say anything for a while. So I said, with my voice shaking, things I've posted here but never said to anyone. That I'd denied this to myself more than to anyone else, that I'd been a player with women to prove I was straight, that I'd married his sister and had kids and that it was much later that I began to acknowledge this, but never cheated on her with anyone, man or woman. And it was some time after her death that I let myself even consider it as a possible part of my life.
 
Finally he said, we all thought you weren't through grieving and that's why you never dated. And I said that was partly true. And he asked if I was sure this wasn't just a way of keeping my wife as the only woman I'd ever love, and I had to say no, I'm not sure about that, it's occurred to me. But that in any case, I know I am attracted to men, maybe I'm bisexual but at the moment the attraction for women that I remember is dormant.
 
He asked if the boys know, and I said no, he's the first person I've talked to (you guys are in a different category). He paused a long time, and asked if I knew to be careful, and that made me laugh, which broke any tension. He laughed too and said sorry, I had to ask. He asked if I had actually been with a man, and without getting too detailed, I told him I had had some online hookups and had hired escorts. Once again, the jaw dropped. I did not go into preferred sexual practices, I don't know what he'd have said if I'd told him I'm pretty much a total bottom.
 
Well, we finished the wine and talked late into the night. I asked him about his coming out experience, which was before I met him. I asked him to let me tell the family when the time was right, but he can tell his partner if he shares what the reaction is.
 
And, inspired by your speculation, I asked if he'd ever suspected. He shook his head and said, "I did not see this coming at all." He said he and his partner had discussed my not socializing with some concern, and one would sometimes say, "Of course, he might be gay," but never seriously.
 
So, we visited the Naval Academy on Saturday, on Sunday DePaul twin came in, that evening B-I-L left, having not given any sign that he knows something the boys don't. But he did get me alone to say I could talk to him any time, about anything. I won't say this was easy, but he made it as easy as it was ever going to be. Tonight all the boys will be home. I'm not sure when the next step happens, but I know it will.

So. I haven't had much to report on this front, but I've been getting out, playing ball and hanging out afterwards with the group, volunteering, etc. I was talking to one of the basketball guys after playing today and we were discussing Agents of Shield, which we both like. I mentioned I hadn't seen Black Panther yet, and he said, "Let's go tonight."I said sure and asked him if he wanted to grab dinner first. He said sure. A nice guy, a little older than me, with a deep voice.
 
I think I'm going on a date tonight.

Well, I'm not 100% sure if it was a "date" or "two buddies hanging out," but it was a good time. A good dinner together at Spices, a pan-Asian restaurant in DC's Cleveland Park, followed by Black Panther. The talk over dinner was wide-ranging and honest. He had a long-term relationship with a Naval officer that ended amicably when the guy got stationed on the West Coast, and he hasn't been serious with anyone since. I gave him more detail about my life than I'd previously shared with the basketball gang, and he asked a lot of questions. In both case the fact of no relationship came up-- sort of date-y, I'd say.
 
He asked about the boys and I'm embarrassed to say I showed him pictures-- not very date-y? But he seemed interested and asked more about them. As the meal went on it maybe got a little flirtatious, and I think my earlier speculation about eye contact was right, and came into play. I don't think straight men hold eye contact with other men much, and there was a moment when we were just looking at each other, and then both of us laughed. Very date-y.
 
He's a little shorter than me, maybe 5'11. Dark brown hair and eyes. Deep voice, like I said. Nice arms and shoulders, which I know from playing ball with him (basketball), and a really cheerful demeanor.
 
Off to Black Panther, we both loved it, but no hanky-panky. Then to an Irish bar across the street for a drink, too loud to talk much, but a nice vibe. Leaving, he said, "Let's do this again soon, " and I said "I'd like that." I think kind of teenage date-y. Walking along, we came to his car first, and gave each other a manly hug that lasted a little long, looked at each other and laughed again.
 
So honestly, I think a fairly "straight" first date, which was fine. I had been ready for something to happen (and yes, brought condoms), but I'm not disappointed We had fun. He's cool. We'll do it again. And maybe more. Thanks for all the support!

Well, my housekeeping leaves a lot to be desired, I freely admit. I always got the boys to school clean and neat and healthily fed. But the house was sometimes a bit of a war zone. (And, ahem, still is. Sometimes.)

You guys have been so cool and helpful as I shared the experience of facing my sexuality while raising my kids as a single father. My eldest is in his second year at Fordham, happy and thriving. On Friday one twin got a call from Delegate Norton's office that he'd been appointed to the US Naval Academy, his lifelong dream. It is amusing to see how happy he is, and his twin is almost as happy for him. That son is still waiting to hear about his college applications. Stanford is his first choice, but I hope he ends up closer, Still, whatever will be best for him is what I want.
 
So I'll have a Midshipman starting this summer. It means he'll leave home sooner, in late June, but he's only about 45 minutes away when he's in Annapolis, although he won't be able to come home often. He and his girlfriend vow they'll manage the long distance thing (she's hoping for UPenn) so we'll see. They are very serious, so maybe it'll last. And I think it's sinking in to the twins what a change it will be for them to be apart. They've always shared a room, even turning down the offer for one of them to move into their brother's room when he left for college.
 
And I feel the approaching departures deeply, now they're in the last semester of high school. Yes, I'll be free to be myself and find out what that means, but I'll be on my own for the first time in my life, really. Lots of discovery to come, I think, for all of us.

Damn. BEST THREAD EVER. Just sayin'

Skier butt.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/f504d990ade97677e9a2028674666013/tumblr_o8psayTdTg1ua8ob6o1_1280.jpg

Damn. BEST THREAD EVER. Just sayin'

Lord, have mercy.

Would you pay $500 for an hour with him?
 
I would!
 

OH....you like spreads? I like them muscular and hairy
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Hbd4j9Tob7U/Up4Tw7H33_I/AAAAAAAAKlQ/n9SIBckIymM/s1600/pern+(1).jpg

MMMmmm...what a wonderful spread he has...he can butter my bread ANYTIME!!!
 
TruHart1

Lord, have mercy.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AwLrF9t55-8/UhLKK9Lj7YI/AAAAAAAAGyA/2tYhiEInFrE/s1600/43032_005.jpg
 
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http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GQc4wxH5kU4/VQCSaeGEczI/AAAAAAAAJUw/Z-FIFB466NY/s1600/Imagem1.png
 
http://www.manhuntdaily.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/alpha/m/Marko-Lebeau-flip-fucks-with-Felix-Brazeau-in-a-scene-for-gay-porn-site-Men-of-Montreal-2.jpg
 
http://www.sexinsuits.com/content/models/Marko_Lebeau/gallery/(LVP107)%20Power%20Professionals%2004%20-%20Marko%20Lebeau%20(Watermarked)%2021.jpg
 
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Lord, have mercy.

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Holy shit. #4 WOOF!

Damn.

[ATTACH=full]580[/ATTACH]
 
http://66.media.tumblr.com/5c5191a708353677b958f8f1d6daa02c/tumblr_no25jwkX0Q1r78dgto2_500.gif
 
http://67.media.tumblr.com/2b17a21138d6b32a0050785807fadc06/tumblr_no25jwkX0Q1r78dgto1_400.gif

I couldn't agree more!

Holy shit. #4 WOOF!

Holy shit. #4 WOOF!

Trent Locke, yes!! Such a beautiful man.
 
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lbsazdkV0t1qbiz8no1_500.jpg