I also share some of these feelings you have as gay asian american. But, you're focusing too much on wanting to be in an ideal relationship. Lucky is 100% correct. They do not exist. No one is perfect. And those whom you see flashing their bodies and "perfect" relationships on social media have other problems you're not aware of. Also, as MassageAdam has suggested, finding a good therapist does wonders. Focus on yourself first and foremost. Be happy with who you are and if you're not, work on it (stop asking what ifs. just go out and make changes to your life). If you're not content being single and alone, how can you be in a relationship with someone else and expect them to love you and desire you? Always happy to talk to another fellow asian as our struggles are real. my DMs are always open.