Do you get sarcasm? Are you comparing shit/lubricant on a bedsheet with a house going up on fire? Really!
do you understand that comparing lub/shit to a fire was an on purpose exaggeration?
You have the wrong kind of friends... I wish they had been responsible folks like me. I would have replaced the chairs or ask for a budget, leave a note with a bill, etc. I broke a coffee mug at a friend's place in San Francisco, I found out it was from Ikea, I told my friend about it, order one online and he got it in a box after I left.
They didn't even ask to replace them? Dinner? Shame on them!
One more time: get a towel... poop on a bedsheet is not the end of the world.