jackhammer91406

Altered STATES

I was born in Atlanta Georgia. I have family Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, and both Carolinas. My buddy from Ohio sent these. They are riffs on behavior by some of the fine citizens of those various states. So before anyone gets upset, these are probably some of my relatives we're talking about. Over the next couple of weeks we will hopefully get a few chuckles from some of my family living in these altered STATES.

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out

of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,

enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue

lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,

then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"

and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked

up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift

ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason

for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off

with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper as he walked away.

Leaving Town....

LEAVING TOWN

To help reduce the budget deficit, the Government will announce

next month that the Department of Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE)

will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security

and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember

how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you.

Then it dawned on me ... oh, shoot ...

I'll see you on the bus!

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming....

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree,

"WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.

There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said,

"You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other,

"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.

It's been such a long, long time....

So .... Do you think we should ....well .....

You know ......

Screw her

"Out of WHAT ?"

asked the other lawyer ..

Easy as 1-2-3...

Sex And Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate

to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old medicine man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,

"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,

took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end

our sentences with a preposition,because we

could end up with a dangling participle.

Texting

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a

STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI: (Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)

Not a leg to stand on...

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for

lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of

Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.

After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She

too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she

met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is

a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft

apartment on Park Lane, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.

They have a second home in Portugal.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become

a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial

investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and

have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her

boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own

vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts

out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco's Supermarket. They live

in a small apartment in Bromley, Kent and have a caravan parked on the front

drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she

and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old peoples home. They

live in Peckham, London and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

SIMPLE TRUTHS

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

Keeping active....

After 31 days, I feel refreshed and ready to go. I have never been in the eye of a tropical storm before, and that was an interesting experience.

My thanks to those who posted while I was gone.

Here is this week’s entry :

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7km, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers".

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shity golfer"

Thanks for posting this George Carlin routine. It was great to see it again.

Where's my remote?..........

Hitting the pause button…..

It was 20 months ago to the day that I started this thread. As I indicated in the first post, I was looking for a way to bring a little humor into my life and brighten up what was a dark and not very optimistic present and future.

At the time, I thought that the thread would disappear very quickly as most threads do.

Well, here we are, and here I still am. The present and the future look much different than they did those many dark months ago. Through all the down turns, set-backs, surgeries, treatments and struggles, this thread and my friendships from this board have been two of the constant positives in my life.

I am leaving next week for a month’s vacation and I am going to take that month off from posting on this weekly thread. Feel free to add something in my place. I hope you have enjoyed the stories, videos and cartoons as much as I have enjoyed posting them.

Here is this week’s offering……

When I was 5 years old my family got me up in front of the church social one Wednesday night and I performed this routine from memory. Once I got my first laugh I relaxed and the rest of the laughs got me hooked for life. At the end of the evening, folks asked me what I was going to be when I grew up and I proudly replied “I am going to be an actor”

My Grandmother (a mainstay of that church) announced to all that I was going to be a preacher. Oddly enough, we both turned out to be right.

Years later when I was working with him on an arc of several episodes of his hit series MATLOCK, I told Andy Griffith this story. He was very kind and laughed quietly. “Ray” he said, “If I had a 10% agent’s commission from everyone who had used that material to get started, I wouldn’t have to be doing this show”.

Point is, you can’t underestimate how much of an impact this piece of material had. It was tremendously popular and virtually started Andy’s career.

So here, in honor of the NFL draft this week, Andy Griffith performs one of his first standup routines…WHAT IT WAS, WAS FOOTBALL.

Enjoy.

[video=youtube;oNxLxTZHKM8]

I liked Flabbergasted and Abdicate

Words..words..words...I'm so sick of words....

Courtesy of my friend in the desert who returns soon to the desolate wastes of O.H. Oh. No.

With apologies to Eliza, Lerner & Lowe and what the hell George Bernard Shaw...Here is this weeks entry.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,

subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Husband down...aisle three

Husband Down...Aisle Three.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Target.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”

He never knew what hit him.

Invest a little time...

This takes a few minutes but I think you will enjoy it. Foster Brooks roasts Don Rickles

[video=youtube;FQgxS-R8TzA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQgxS-R8TzA&feature=related

What a drag it is gettin' old.........

HELL TO GET OLD...

Two medical students were walking along the street

when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was

stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Geriatric Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has

Rett Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we

learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the

old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,

but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.

Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two

fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Geriatric Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Rett Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him a bit sarcastically , "Well, old timer, what do you

have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

From a top secret undisclosed location...........

My thanks to EdJames for his very funny contribution this morning.

And now...from a top secret...undisclosed location. ....

Morris is at the bar with his parachute platoon after their first jump.

"Morris, we all landed real close to the target. Where were you?"

"Uh... when the light went on and you all went out the door, I didn't feel

ready."

"Didn't feel ready? What'd the sergeant say?"

"Oh, he had a fit. He was close behind me screaming, 'Troop, if you don't go

out that door I swear I'll shove this right up your ass!'"

"Wow. So did you jump?"

"Well, a little, at first."

Who...What? ...I dunno.....

[video=youtube;Nti08LWtxJI]

Morning sex

He was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that he normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, he turned to me and said softly,

"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought,

"I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced him and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards he said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, his T-shirt still around his neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

He explained, "The egg timer is broken."

Both Countryboy's and Ed's posts made me laugh out loud. Thanks guys

Irish Passion

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' the poor dear exclaimed,

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

old reliable

I don't why, but this one makes me laugh every time I see it. Even though I already know what's coming, I can help it about as much as Harvey Korman could.

From the vault......

Another funny clip from the classic CAROL BURNETT SHOW.....

[video=youtube;PYzuchDBvCs]

From a secret location.....

I am taking a few days of R&R at a undisclosed location with my good buddy from OHIO. My thanks to him for not only hosting me this weekend, but also for this weeks offering.

Hope you have a great weekend.

The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick fucker."

how it started...

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our

country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 men in Washington's boat. It was

extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them

about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and

stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him

to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the

lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his

lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find

Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them

felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.

He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in

the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and

these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad

smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

Elephants

A change-up this week if you will permit.

I want to take you back to the days of the Carol Burnett show.

One of the fun things was to watch the cast break up at Tim Conway's antics. Vicki Lawrence very seldom lost character but one time she did...

Take 5 minutes of your day and enjoy...

Join Tim, Carol, Vicki and guest star Dick Van Dyke...

It was about elephants....

[video=youtube;3qqE_WmagjY]