jackhammer91406

Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A Father's pain

A husband and wife went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

Assign the punishment

Assign the punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

A really bad day..

Here's hoping the new year doesn't bring anyone a day like this guy had...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver said, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.

"First, This morning I fell back asleep after the alarm went off, and I got to my office late . My outrageous boss fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I got out, I remembered I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab. The cab driver just drove away."

"I went home, and when I got there, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home, and came to this bar.

"And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you showed up and drank all my poison."

Lucky, you have been here much longer than I and you have started many more threads than I.

Of course in the time I have been here I have learned it is better for me not to argue with you, so in the spirit of the season, I thank you for the compliment. It means a lot coming from you.

Three Hookers

As we come up on Christmas, I thought it appropriate to give out gifts. My gifts aren't as sweet as Oliver's cookies, but they are tasty. So to everyone my gift to you for the coming year is three hookers; Ho, Ho, Ho. And to all a good night.

Merry Christmas ( I am a gentile, so Happy Holidays to all the rest).

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer?

Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer.

Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine.

Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten.

The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer.

Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee." The proof is in the song!

It's OK Lucky, people have been laughing at me for years. I am used to it.

Pretty good chuckle, thanks.

I can't top that this week, so thanks for posting.

PARAPROSDOKIANS a word to remember...it will make you look smart!

PARAPROSDOKIANS...(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put ' DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen

26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now. Amen again !

I followed their program for a long time until the younger one introduced his new fiance. I always thought they were both very hot, but could do without the tattoos.

Travel to Heaven

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

from the vaults

I became eligible for medicare last week so I am out of town mourning. As a result, I don't have access to my vast file of funnies, so I am pulling something from the vault.

Hope you forgive me and enjoy it anyway.

Funny thing happened at Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Toby, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. ???????

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm somewhat mischievous and had a little extra time, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Be careful what you ask for....

 

But I'm not sure if it's a good thing that the University of Maryland isn't in there. Guess we aren't relevant enough, huh?

Far be it from me to leave anyone out.

Here Lee, just for you...

How do you keep a Terrapin out of your back yard?

Paint it like an end zone.

What's the best way to see College Park?

Through your rear view mirror.

Are you ready for some football?

Fall is the time of year when college alumni turn into raving fanboys. Weekends are filled with the spectacle of college football. Those young hard men in tight leggings and rolled sleeves showing bulging biceps following the crisp orders of the drop dead gorgeous quarterback.

Well, here's a few chuckles sent to me by the most fanatic fanboy I know in Ohio. (yes I know other fanboys in other states, but this guy is hands down the most fanatic in O.H.I.O.)

Thanks to him for these great chuckles.

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.

In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

___________________________________________

Why do Texas fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday,

and pick up trash on Monday.

___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.

___________________________________________

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.

___________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.

___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

___________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."

___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.

___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.

___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke

is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;

the other half are able to to dress themselves now.

___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

___________________________________________

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football players life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.

Ed, I had never heard this one. Pretty funny.

Thanks for adding it.

Last Words

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Potty

Apologies for the delay, I am a bit under the weather..

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone potty yet."

Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says:.................."it works for ketchup."

Tech support

SENIORS & COMPUTERS...........

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired ,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little shit head .

Blond in Church

Blonde in church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess you transgression."

No one moved. Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short. Smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen Brother!!!

A Loving Wife

Subject: A loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of

her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,

this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain...do what ever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously

very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any

Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too.

I remember GRANDmama....

Three mischievous 'old Grandmas' were sitting on a bench outside their nursing home when an 'old Grandpa' walked by.

One of the 'old Grandmas' yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly

how old you are."

The old man said, "There's no way you can guess it, you old fools ."

One Grandma said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and

we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he

dropped his drawers.

The 'old Grandmas' asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to

jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and yelled, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in

the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies

happily yelled in unison...;

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation .And, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in....

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises aand moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!

Saved

I had something to post today, but countryboy's contribution is too good to step on, so I'll save mine for next week.

Altered STATES 3

Final installment of LIFE WITH MY FAMILY

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole yo pickup truck frum the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "ah couldn't tell, but ah got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "Ah got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down dey tell you ta put flares in the front and flares in the back. Ah never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why Ah'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' ".

Altered STATES 2

Again with the same caveat: Born there, raised there, family there, here is this weeks altered STATES.

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about much discount he could take in paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."