jackhammer91406

Do you remember this?........ I tried to post this yesterday, but is isn't here so I'll try again. Back last century before most of you were born was an era of sit-ins, love-ins, and be-ins. It was the early years of color TV and there was a program on NBC called LAUGH-IN. I am posting a few clips from this show this week. The first is a clip from the end segment of the show called the joke wall. Since I can only post one video per post, I will make another post. The second clip is a series of out takes from the joke wall segment. Hope you enjoy them. Ladies and Gentlemen: LAUGH-IN [video=youtube;iZ8Vrvy0VeE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ8Vrvy0VeE&feature=player_detailpage#t=9

Giving it 100 % This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me laugh. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96% But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why some people got where they are!

A Word to the wise....... From my friend out west...... After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss". "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Gas leak Hope this makes you chuckle.. [video=youtube;_UfwDEbKfNY]

Would you believe...... ON THE MOON. Did you know Mr. Gorsky? IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW, THIS IS A LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA, ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON WERE, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," AND THEY WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK, "GOOD LUCK, MR.GORSKY". MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT THAT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK, CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT. .. BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26 YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT THAT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD, BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON"! TRUE STORY......IT BROKE THE PLACE UP! Unfortunately, it appears that this old gem is not true but it makes a good story so hope it brightened your day. And if your last name is Gorsky, hope you have a great weekend.

Retirement is overrated... Others this week have posted some gems. My thanks to them. This week....I am posting something sent to me by my buddy in O.H.I.O.(o.h.oh. no.) Since he and I are the "same age", I thought it would be appropriate for us to laugh at ourselves. Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?' ****************************************************** An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love?You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' ************************************************************************************* Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' ******************************************************************************** A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' *************************************************************************** A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.' ******************************************************************************************** Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' *************************************************** One more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Finally, so that's what they call it. I have wondered how I got that. What do they call the rest of it around the sides and in the back?

If you have a few minutes..... If I do this right, there should be a video screen. This was sent to me by my friend in O.H.I.O (ohno) It takes a few minutes to view, but it is pretty funny. I also reminds of the days when elected officials from both sides of the aisle could socialize after work and have a few laughs. Hope you enjoy this trip in the WayBack machine..... [video=youtube;n6mbW-jMtrY]

Dream of a Saleman.........G'Day mate.... THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said, 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and sold him the 4x4.’ The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, mate, you might as well go fishing.'

Doin' what comes naturally... My cousin’s husband lost his job a few years ago. She continued to work and they found a way to make ends meet on her salary alone since he was unable to find another job. But things were a bit rocky at first. One day my cousin came home from work and found her husband lying on the couch with his feet up. She was a little snippy thinking about the fact that she had worked hard all day and here was her husband napping on the couch. “What did you do all day today?” she asked in a falsely sweet voice. “Nothing,” he replied. Now she was a bit peeved. “That’s what you did yesterday,” she said clearly getting angry. “Yeah,” he said calmly, “ I wasn’t finished.”

Walkin' the line..... This week's offering comes from my cousin's redneck husband. We all love him, but he sometimes walks over the line of good taste. Being that this is a site dedicated to good taste ( or is that tasting good? I thought you might enjoy a few of these...... This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." *********** I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." *********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, "Yesterday." *********** I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. *********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

Time Marches On.... Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit ...is it midnight already?' The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'

I love my job... My thanks to everyone who posted while I was in Florida. When I returned from my vacation, I came back to the kind of S__T storm you would expect having been gone a month. Never thought it could get so bad. Then I remembered this true story sent to me by my friend in OHIO (OHNO). I think it says it all.... I LOVE MY JOB This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below... ~Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!! Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~

Timing With what is happening in the Boston area it's hard to know if telling a joke is appropriate. Instead I am posting a video today in hopes that it will take our minds away from all the trouble of this past week. I have liked this performer for a long time and have most of his DVDs. He is one of the best ventriloquists I have ever seen. I have seen him perform live a few times and have met him personally for a nice chat. He has also done a number of videotaped concerts for Comedy Central. His other characters include Walter (an old cranky guy) and Ahmed (The dead terrorist). But today I am linking to 6 minutes with the character who has been in his act the longest- Peanut. After today I will be taking 6 weeks off for a vacation. See you all back in June. Enjoy Jeff Dunham and Peanut after a brief commercial break: http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=jeff%20dunham%20you%20tube&source=web&cd=5&cad=rja&ved=0CEwQtwIwBA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DoQm _8vX3sYU&ei=hJRxUbreGKWIiwKYvYGYAw&usg=AFQjCNGk269llw3TYaptunKTO5W6YpN1HQ&bvm=bv.45512109,d.cGE ]

One stroke too many....... SENIOR'S DAY AT THE COURSE David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex..... #10... A below par performance is considered damn good. #09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers. #08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot. #07... Foursomes are encouraged. #06... You can still make money doing it as a senior. #05... Three times a day is possible. #04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else. #03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day. #02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex..... #01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Walk with me as I age.... Walk with me as I age...... I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my posting it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water - worth the read. A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER… Shit, I forgot the words.

Sadly that's all I have. If there is more, hopefully someone will post it.

Would you ike a little Colbert on that salad? Guys, my cousin's husband sent this to me and I thought it was pretty funny. Hope you think so too. perhaps you saw this...... http://www.youtube.com/embed/vhnLk3TJWFY?rel=0

Going paperless?.......... This week's funny is a video about a paperless society. Enjoy....

Can't stop the music..... I was in Star Buck`s recently when I suddenly realized I really needed to fart, BIG TIME. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me… And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod

So it goes.... Balls: AN INTERESTING OBSERVATION 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And . . . 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF. THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles

the right prescription Thanks Steve, That Blonde Rx made the hurt go away. Enjoyed it. Jack

Payback One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and Hair all matted down... We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls The vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word On this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, Who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see The doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen My husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your Wife's' pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and Shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening. Now THAT, my friends, is called PAY BACK!

seeing things.... I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend, "That'll be us in ten years. He looked at me, sighed and said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead."

Old Timers Thanks to those who posted while I was in the hospital. Here is one from the vaults: The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation .And, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!