jackhammer91406

Following directions........ Gun Control. It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I still don't think I looked that bad.

Taking a break for a few weeks while I wrestle with some health issues.

Keep on truckin'......... As I get older, I am constantly reminded of the following and eternally grateful. The best part of being over 40 is that I did all my STUPID stuff before the internet. These two chuckles are from the vault. Hope they make you smile. Enjoy your weekend. Go Pats. A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?' ****************************************************** An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love?You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Just for laughs..... Hope this will give you a chuckle or two. Have a good weekend... [video=youtube;1u4J-q03G0s]

Daily Show knows cold.... This'll warm you up.... http://screen.yahoo.com/comedy-central/global-warming-hoax-050000609.html

Ice Breakers for party favors..... Younger brother called today telling me of his 15 below zero temps and 40 below wind chill with ice and snow. Hard to work up sympathy since he moved voluntarily from Sacramento, Ca. to Rockford Illinois (90 miles west of Chicago). (I blame my sister_in_law...you sorta have to know her and then it would make perfect sense.) Anyway, did I mention Voluntarily? I told him about our days and days of 70 to 80 temps out here. I had no sympathy for him (Mom always Liked him best) (OK, maybe) i can see all the snow I want on TV. I went to school in DeKalb (which is just outside Rockford and I voluntarily left to move to Los Angeles when I was 23 so I would never have to experience that again with the cold. I am a t-shirt and tank top kind of guy. I am an easy caring and loving man but....Cold weather, snow and such ,harden me up quite a bit and turn my compassionate heart to icy marble. I'll put on a pot of homemade soup when they come to stay in New Port Beach at the Marriott Beach Time share resort for a 3 night/4 day comped trip in exchange for attending a 2 hour seminar. Wonder if my brother will wear shorts.

Gender benefits..... For most of us, we all know that there are some great benefits to being a guy. But perhaps there are some benefits that you weren't aware of. This list was probably made up with st8 guys in mind, but there are some pretty funny and accurate benefits for us gay men as well. Great Reasons To Be A Guy Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. (ok, for a gay man, this may not be true) Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. (again, for a gay man, the opposite may be true). Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. (again, gay exception) Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work.. more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said.. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. (OK, for us it's another body part) Princess Di's death was just another obituary. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Famous Quotes... I am posting some famous quotes for everyone today. Hope you find a chuckle or two in them. Have a wonder fully HAPPY NEW YEAR Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. Madonna All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. Henry Youngman To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. Rita Rudner This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?' Judy Tenuta Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. Jean Kerr Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. Tim Allen I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags. Gwyneth Paltrow My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. Molly McGee Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. Mickey Rooney In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. Helen Rowland Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. Unknown I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonnette I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. Henry Youngman It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. Laurence J. Peter If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Unknown If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. John Barrymore Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Robert Frost To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. Janet Coleman The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. Andy Rooney The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. George Carlin If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty And finally............ In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. Joey Adams

Yada Yada ....ooooops From week to week as I mulled over what to post each Friday, I have often thought about shows that made me laugh. Over the several years of this thread, I have posted links to scenes from classic T.V. shows. Today, it's yada yada time. That's right. Seinfeld. Here's a clip of outtakes that might bring you a laugh today. And by the way, I hope everyone has a terrific Holiday Season. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good laugh. [video=youtube;yqrTZdWJU7s]

Remember when?...... Last week I posted a link to some outtakes from the Mary Tyler Moore show. It got me to thinking about favorite episodes. One of my favorite was the Chuckles the Clown episode. Now step into the "WAY-BACK" machine. Here is the entire episode. [video=youtube;ihLJrcS8lsg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihLJrcS8lsg For those who can't spare 25 minutes, here is the link to the Memorial scene. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92I04DkMEps

You're Gonna Make It Afterall.......... I am trying to stop crying and laughing so I can type this. Enjoy... [video=youtube;O4XHXeiMRSk]

Steven Wright Forgive me if I have posted this before, but as I get older I find that some things are so funny, they are worth a second look. Actually, the reality is that I often forget a joke as soon as I hear it, so the second look is just as funny as the first. A N Y W A Y........ If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist and humorist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all my stuff had been stolen….. and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory . 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name. 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

A Little bit country..... I was born in Atlanta Georgia a few weeks after the civil war ended (bad luck how that ended eh?) Anyway, I know many of you may be or have family who may be fans of country music. You are probably familiar with the big hits like STAND BY YOUR MAN and such. Well, I thought you might be interested in the top ten Country music hits you may not have heard of. Here They are......... Top Ten Country Western Songs 10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine 9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin' 6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win 5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him 3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger 2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer And the Number One Country & Western song is... 1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

Blond moment THE BLONDE AND THE IRISHMAN . . . On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

California love story A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex...she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles. This was something she loved to do. As the man lay there he enjoyed having his testicles rubbed. He turned to her and asked , "Why do you love to do that so much?" "Because," she replied, "I really miss mine."

Buddy Hackett on Johnny Carson Two of the greats in comedy. [video=youtube;MF3SRUVKwPU]

If it quacks like a ........ A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

And so it goes.... this 'n that. WHY OLD PEOPLE DON'T GET HIRED! Job Interview: Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Senior Citizen: "Honesty." Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Senior Citizen: "I don't really give a shit what you think." No sure if this has been posted before..... The Washington Post published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers were asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are: 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. Enjoy your weekend....

Glad you enjoyed it. I had the same reaction.

Picture this...... Voice mail Accident. This guy is sending a voice mail to his boss when he witnesses a minor traffic accident. Not fake; actually happened. In late February, several stations broadcast interviews with a man named Michael Childs, who said that he was the one who left the voice mail message, that the clip was genuine, and that the accident described took place about six years ago in Athens, Texas, while he was working as a construction manager for Jack in the Box. Turn on your sound! Only in Texas. This is great If you need to laugh, this is it. Don't mess w/little old ladies! http://zanylol.com/accident.html

EBAY anyone?...... A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale.

All My Children...... Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer. Judy married again, and she & new husband Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy remarried again, and this time, she & and her third husband John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied: "Honestly Ethel, I think he means her legs, ".

It's all in the putter....... Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland: 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN. 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, AND GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

Foster Roasts Sammy Davis Jr. I thought this was pretty funny....[video=youtube;YcYTQokKdIg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcYTQokKdIg&feature=player_detailpage#t=239

And then there was...... The second LAUGH-IN clip... [video=youtube;cFksUB9gWyk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFksUB9gWyk&feature=player_detailpage