lseactuary90

Anyone been to Mike?

FWIW, I agree with all you are saying, hence I continue to be as I am, and do what I can. Ultimately, the question is: if someone is not even the slightest bit invested or interested in you (beyond sex) and you do not get these dating opportunities (regardless of reason here, we can probably spend days debating race and other things and still not get to the bottom of it, because everyone is different, has different 'preferences' and there is no real way of knowing what everyone wants), then there isn't much you can do. You can "force" someone to "like you" or "invest time in you". This is the question I am left with in therapy. We can basically continue to optimise how we look, work on ourselves, pick up hobbies, make friends, increase exposure through different events and people, and so on, but still if nothing lands (in a romantic setting), then you are stuck. This is where I'm at basically. Which ultimately takes me back to the thread's question - will I have to "pay" for intimacy because one will voluntarily give this experience to me? Do I spend countless more years "trying" and what happens if I turn 100 and it never happens for me? Do I want to look back and go "well I tried for 100 years and it never worked out" or do I want to try and at least experience something in my youth while I can?

I'm not saying *all*. I literally met someone the other day who was white who only dates black men for example. My point was I don't seem to fit someones "box" for what they want in a partnership (at least not yet) so I'm at best getting the hookup. I would say, I find white guys the most open though, and POC's the most closed (either they only want their own race or a white opposite).

This is a nuanced subject, so I will try and share my thoughts. With hookups - the 'filter' is different. Are you hot? Do you fit what they are looking for (top, bottom etc). Guys tend to be more uninhibited. There is also this unspoken rule of 'this is what it is' so there is no 'pressure' for it to go any further. Dating is more nuanced. When someone is looking for a life partner, I imagine they are looking for a 'type' of guy. I have friends (all races) who literally told me that they felt coming out was hard, so dating the 'same race' basically helped them 'prove it was worth it' to their family. In my experience, people are attracted to what they are familiar with, so likely stick to someone who looks like someone they knew/know (which makes sense). There are also external prejudices e.g. 'would he fit in with my friends' / 'would he fit in with my family', etc that are made based on your appearance and therefore while they may 'like you as a person', you may not 'fit their world'. This, btw, doesn't need to be limited to race, it could be other attributes too. This also then explains who I 'attract' - another 'suppressed' single person of colour (but often not hot, as if they are, they are 'taken' by someone), partnered (white/latino) guys (since they are 'taken' they have nothing to 'loose'), much older guys (I'm talking 20+ year age gap / because by that point in their life they have shedded much of the social conditioning they grew up with), out of shape guys (probably being rejected a lot so still try and shoot their shot with me) or visitors (who are looking to 'try something new'). None of these are 'actual' matches for me as a partner. In my particular case, I was born/raised in the West, so I speak very clear English (on the phone most people think I'm 'white'). I now live in the US. But physically I am mixed so I look 'exotic' which is why I'm placed in the 'hot / try this' bucket, but guys probably don't imagine 'settling down' with me as I don't fit what they consider 'romance material' (even though I am actually pretty romantic and soft at heart). I would say, as the years have gone by, it is better. Guys become more exposed (work, social media and otherwise) and are more 'accepting' of other cultures, looks etc. But I'm also in my mid 30s, so a lot of guys are partnered up and/or traumatised by their ex and only looking for fun now, which makes things harder.

I'm commenting as he has almost never been single. So I don't think he is qualified to make these statements. I know because I've spoken to him before. The race was just an example. Similar to a rich person saying 'money isn't important' while looking at a poor person. That doesn't help the poor person at all and is just performative at best.

I can't stand videos like this, it is full of “self-love influencer” energy. Its so easy to say this kinda stuff when you are married/partnered and looking at others (see his giant ring?). If he was perpetually single, and then reacting this way, then I'm listening. Its like a white women talking about black racism when she doesn't experience it at all or even been through even an ounce it. Empathy is one thing, living with it is another.

The question I wonder is where are they meeting their partner 'in real life' because a lot of people I speak to are still meeting on apps, IG, or the like. They may connect again in person (through a party, mutual friend etc) but I've rarely head the story 'oh we met at a sports club' (unless both were there for like 5+ years) so it seems strange. I'm more than open to going to in person places and connecting, but people still flake, even harder than apps tbh. I would correct that statement to say 'many who wanted a partner found one'. A partner is not something on a shelf you check out. I always wanted a partner and never found one, and I know dozens of men who also didn't. Just because you 'wanted something' doesn't mean it automatically happens. It depends on other factors like where you live, supply/demand, and we all know the gay racism and 'hierarchies' in certain places that still exist too. Also, countless people I know are unhappy/settled in relationships but can't 'get out' and have no incentive (except for those singles you mentioned, who agree, carry baggage). This makes it even harder for someone like me, who always wanted a partner but never found one (wasn't even given a chance) and now I find myself in this situation. Just seems unfair, hence the title of this thread i.e. do I have to keep paying basically because I'm not sure what else I can even do at this stage to get the consistent kind of intimacy I am looking for.

I don't want to be someone who 'jumps ship' when things get tough, without working through whatever it is that is not working. IMO the best time to leave is when you feel you have nothing left to learn in the place, not when things are tough and you are probably growing/evolving in some way.

I'm not sure if you are being sarcastic or not, but this the crux of my issues. No one seems to date me. I get hookups, but not dates. If I could date someone, and meet them before hooking up, I don't think I would be having this discussion. You say stop using apps to meet men. But men do not 'meet' me otherwise. Parties, etc all also lead to nothing. You say stop only screening for tops/bottoms. I don't. I only filter radius and even that is pretty broad. You say stop referencing dick size. I don't. I only quoted what the masseur said, not expecting it to blow up as it did in the thread.

Yup I shared this with my current therapist... and he diverted me to talking about 'values'.

Damn. A lot of this hit home. Thank for doing this and sharing it with me. I am very interested in the non-paid contexts that could provide a more wholesome experience that I am looking for. I did try MMX but it was the same thing - flakey guys just looking for sex with me, not actually looking to connect. I did research those 'alternative spaces' you mentioned above but I couldn't find much (many are closed) so I was unsure what to try, but am definitely open to trying. Does ChatGPT say what I am looking for is even possible in NY though? I think the comment about the ecosystem made a lot of sense, because this problem literally goes away when I go to Mexico or Turkey for example, but unfortunately I just don't live there. That said, I was actually seriously thinking to hire someone for a BF experience, and tell them to return every week for a month or so. I wonder if actually 'breaking the cycle' (even if paid) will help me learn a new way of thinking and being and a new loop altogether vs just hooking up more and more and remaining in that cycle if that makes sense. A lot of the escorts I like are visiting which makes this tricky, but yeah, I am considering it.

Not sure if this is a joke or not, but I've literally done this, and guys just flake.

Already done this. Same issues persist.

I can imagine in a hetro world why that would be a puzzle, but given the way dating/relationships are now (something like 2/3rd of men below 30 are single, and the way the apps only really cater to the top x% of men etc) would you really be surprised anymore? Even someone like Chris Evans found his wife outside of the US, and after 40. Just saying even Captain America outsourced. lol In the gay world, its more complex, people come out at different times, and there are other variables (e.g. not everyone lives in a huge city, etc). Entitlement is bad either way, hetro or homo.

I did actually consider this, and 3 escorts got 'freaked out' with this ask lol. So my search continues. Then I tried mid-way like coming over, chatting, cuddles, but no sex, but then... that almost always leads to sex. 😕 (not escorts, I mean normal guys) I have no issues going out with friends or social interactions that don't involve sex etc though.