Retirement

[RockyHardon]

Well I've been following this thread since it started without quite knowing what to say, but it certainly made me think a lot. In some ways I am functionally retired as an escort, and have been for years. But that's not quite true because after 16 years I think I still probably make more money doing it and have more fun doing it than the majority of escorts, including some I know. So nothing about this is one dimensional or facile to me.

 

For 16 years I keep thinking about what I would write about if I wrote a book about escorting, and for 16 years it keeps changing.

 

There is a part of the book that, if written honestly,would simply admit that the whole fucking thing is about me, me, me, and only me. It is an ego trip. It is a way of being a part of a club that is admired. I wanted to be friends with other escorts. I wanted to have sex with other escorts. I wanted to get paid to have sex. I wanted to prove something to myself about myself. I did. In retrospect, it doesn't seem quite the same as saying, "I fought for Obamacare and won" or "I kept the US safe from ISIS" or "I was the first man on the moon." But it is something, even if it is something shallow and vain. There are many things I have done in my life that I am prouder of than being an escort, which is partly why I think I could survive the downsides of being an escort without having to worry about drugs, addictions, or even serious self doubts. But at the very least, it has been a lot of fun. So part of my reaction to this is that you don't really have to question what is and is not in your self interest. You just have to pay attention to your feelings. If you are into it, you are into it. And if it isn't fun any more, there just isn't really any question about it. To put it differently, there is a part of this that is just selfish, and if you have minimal self awareness you should know if it just isn't doing it for you anymore.

 

There is a part of the book that, if written honestly, would be about the other person, the client, and the satisfaction they get in discovering some part of themself or developing a different kind of relationship with another human being. Some of the satisfaction is sexual, some isn't. This part - the part about the other person - is different for every person. In the least fun cases it involves an escort who is a "professional" and is simply going along for the ride, and in the best cases it involves me being totally emotionally into it and feeling, "Holy fuck. This is awesome. I get paid to do this?" Part of the professionalism of this is that some part of the "job" is disguising your feelings, just like any dentist having a bad day isn't really going to say he isn't really into drilling your teeth, or any personal trainer that isn't having a good day might be thinking, "I'd actually rather be home fucking my wife." That's on a bad day. On a good day, you get paid to fuck and cum and go out to dinner and bullshit and travel and explore the world with people you like and admire in and out of bed, and it really is like "Holy fuck. This is great." And some part of the "this is great" is knowing that you were able to be selfless enough to see some other person for who they are, or who they want to be, and help them connect to their vision of themself, whether they knew that was what they actually wanted or not. So there is a sort of selflessness to it, even though there is ego gratification in knowing that you actually delivered the goods, whether "the goods" means an orgasm or an intimate connection.

 

The two parts of what I described above - the selfishness and the selflessness - are connected in a way I am not sure I can put in words. The closest I can come is this: whatever I did as an escort, it was definitely my unique process, and there was nothing mechanical about it. I think actors feel the same way: whatever it is they do, many see it as very personal, and not something they can teach or give a 10 step manual to cover. It involved my own self discovery, so I don't think I could have done it if it was all about just bullshitting my way through something that I disliked, and that meant nothing to me. The selfishness had to be part of it to make it work. At the same time, when it really worked least well for me - and I'm sure for my clients - is when I lost the ability to be selfless. I was in a minor to moderate rut 5 years ago, based on feelings I shared with a large part of the planet due to the fucked up economy during The Great Recession. I felt like I had to back off and I did back off because for whatever reason, I just wasn't able to feel particularly joyful about much of anything. That disqualified me from being able to be selfless or at least pretend to be selfless when I needed to be.

 

The most interesting part of the book to me is the part that, if written honestly, would admit that the people I've met as an escort are, for the most part, my most intimate friends. Some of these are escorts, some are former clients, and some are current clients. One of my favorite words is "self interest," meaning the place where selfishness and selflessness meet. In one training "self interest" was described to me this way: "I am my brother's keeper." The idea is that in the best human relationships, of any type, there is some place where the needs of both people are satisfied in each other. So as much as it sounds like bullshit to use this to describe escorting, it is actually reality after 16 years for me. The most down to earth way I can describe it is that for most of my current or past clients, who were or are teachers or government employees or corporate executives or professionals, they experienced some version of the same thing. The people they became closest to (outside family) were often the people they worked with. There is probably something gendered and generational about this: maybe non-working older women tended to develop more intimate relationships in church groups or sewing circles. But men tend to do it through work. And a "job" that involves taking off your clothes and kissing and cumming all over each other lends itself to both physical and emotional intimacy more than most 'jobs" do. So it doesn't surprise me that after spending 16 years doing this, the people I am closest to in many cases are the people I did "this" with.

 

This is the part that I am now quite sure will survive retirement or I could say voids the whole idea of "retirement," because I'll never be completely retired as an escort. As long as I continue to know the people I know, and be part of the community I am part of, I'll be an escort, at least in some way. Part of what is actually very nice about this is that as I've become more financially secure, the money is actually less important, and what has become more important is the emotional satisfaction I get out of being close to particular people, or being part of a particular community. Oliver's party in Palm Springs has become one symbol of that for me, but there are many others. I can't ever see myself wanting to "retire" from that. It's too much a part of who I am, and what my relationships are.

 

There's been a lot of death and aging in my family this year - a dead brother, a mother deep in dementia, a Dad who is 95 and likely on his last legs. It is not a particularly good time for me to feel young, virile, and fertile. If anything, it is a good time for me to embrace and feel close to those who I love who are dead or dying. So there is also some part of me that misses the good old days when I ran around the world with escort buddies or rich clients and spent my weeks making thousands of dollars having sex, after which I spent many nights in sex clubs or with fuck buddies, having a really fucking good time. It's good to be young, or at least to be able to be able to pretend to be young. I miss that.

 

But I don't miss it all that much. There is some other part of my own experience as an escort where I feel grateful to my clients, past and present, because they helped me grow into the kind of person who could spend a lot of the past year being able to be calm just being emotionally present, a lot, with a brother who kept getting sicker and sicker and looking worse and worse. That's a backhanded compliment, to say the least, because it's not like my clients generally looked like they were dead or dying. But 16 years of escorting was a good way to get beyond issues like body image and body weight and age and hair loss and just be able to be comfortable and intimate with the person you were with. This also sounds like bullshit, but it's not. As much as escorting is about youth and beauty and physical appearance, it's been a great way to figure out in the deepest possible way that there are more important things in life than youth or beauty or physical appearance.

 

I don't plan to be showing up on booty calls when I look like my Dad, should I live so long, and thanks to the generosity of my clients and my investment habits, I won't have a financial need to. So at some point I will be officially, completely retired. But even then I don't think I'll completely be retired. Whatever this started as, for a long time it has been as much a lifestyle as a job. For that, I am very grateful.

 

 

@stevenkesslar

 

I love everything about this post. THANK YOU. The intersection of selfishness and selflessness hit the nail on the head.

[LADoug1]

@Lance_Navarro and others who have commented, if you won the lottery would you cease to be an escort? I don't think tying the question to escorting delivers the answer. Imagine any other job, if you won the lottery would you give up your job? Whether you love your job or not, that is a difficult question. Sometimes a sudden influx of money changes your view of your job, sometimes it doesn't.

Plus stats show that a high number of lottery winners blow through their winnings very quickly.

[+ Oliver]

For 16 years I keep thinking about what I would write about if I wrote a book about escorting, and for 16 years it keeps changing ...

There is a part of the book that, if written honestly,would simply admit that the whole fucking thing is about me, me, me, and only me ...

There is a part of the book that, if written honestly, would be about the other person, the client, and the satisfaction they get in discovering some part of themself or developing a different kind of relationship with another human being ...

The most interesting part of the book to me is the part that, if written honestly, would admit that the people I've met as an escort are, for the most part, my most intimate friends. Some of these are escorts, some are former clients, and some are current clients ... So it doesn't surprise me that after spending 16 years doing this, the people I am closest to in many cases are the people I did "this" with ...

Whatever this started as, for a long time it has been as much a lifestyle as a job. For that, I am very grateful.

 

I do believe that The Book of Kesslar would be a page-turner that I wouldn't be able to put down!

[+ stevenkesslar]

I do believe that The Book of Kesslar would be a page-turner that I wouldn't be able to put down!

 

Yes. Sort of like The Book of Job.

 

I'd cast you as the whale. You have a big mouth and you like to take it all the way down.

[+ honcho]

Yes. Sort of like The Book of Job.

 

I'd cast you as the whale. You have a big mouth and you like to take it all the way down.

 

Normally , I highly disapprove of put-downs, but I gotta admit that last one was exceedingly well constructed.

 

My most humble and sincere condolences and empathy to Oliver, however.

[+ Keith30309]

I thought Job had an ash-heap, so to speak.

[+ Oliver]

Yes. Sort of like The Book of Job.

Would that be with a long "o", or a short "o"??

 

I'd cast you as the whale. You have a big mouth and you like to take it all the way down.

With you, I could be a small-mouthed bass!

[+ stevenkesslar]

With you, I could be a small-mouthed bass!

 

Whatever.

 

All I know is that you can't resist the bait. And old sluts like you are always the easiest people in the world to hook.

[+ Truereview]

Lol. I luv ya guys! You may have been late to the

party, but the thread was derailed splendidly!

http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs5/3239508_o.gif

 

Back to selfish/selfless/self interested retirements!

[LADoug1]

Maybe I'm slow but why did this thread take such a negative turn?

[MikeyGMin]

Maybe I'm slow but why did this thread take such a negative turn?

 

Unless there is some kind of long-standing feud, it looks to me like it's just banter. Look at the "likes" from the people who are being "insulted." Either they actually like abuse or they are just teasing one another.

[+ stevenkesslar]

Unless there is some kind of long-standing feud, it looks to me like it's just banter. Look at the "likes" from the people who are being "insulted." Either they actually like abuse or they are just teasing one another.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I would never tease an old slut. Least of all one whose primary contribution to this website seems to be the posting of endless photos of naked, muscular young bucks, and who's primary skill in life appears to be opening his seasoned hole to said bucks to inplant their raging, fertile, massive erections deep inside him, so as to explore the dark, uncharted recesses of his slutty, whore-like inner self.

 

Why would I tease somebody for shit like that?