A Gay Foster Parent

[Guest Pablo]

I now live in California, single gay man and would like to be a foster parent. Maybe some Californian's can answer a few questions before I apply.

*Can a single person be a foster parent?

*Should I tell them I'm gay?

*Should I go through the county or private agency that requests foster parents?

[guyinsf]

Yes, single people can be foster parents and gay men can be foster parents. Contact your local child welfare service department's licensing department or a foster family agency to begin your journey.

[Guest]

>*Can a single person be a foster parent?

Absolutely. I've had a friend who's had three.

>*Should I tell them I'm gay?

If they ask you

>*Should I go through the county or private agency that

>requests foster parents?

I didn't know private agencies were involved in foster parenting. Basically, these children are wards of the (Superior/county) court. I'm not sure how/why a private agency would be involved, so I can't advise you on that.

[Guest Utopia]

I believe the private agencies the original poster is asking about are treatment centers where the wards of the courts are placed in because the county can only deal with so many kids at once and in some cases these privately owned treatment centers seek foster parents.

 

It is hard to say which would be better I think the only real difference is the treatment centers pay a little more per month for the child's expenses. With both you wlll need to go through complete background checks and pass them.

 

Your question about informing them you are gay is a hard one to answer. I was a foster parent many years ago and was not honest when asked that question. I told them I was straight. It just seemed that it would be to large of an obsitcle to overcome.

 

Lastly as a single man you will pretty much be given teen boys. They are traditionally the hardest to find homes for. They prefer to place the younger children in two parent homes, which makes some sense to me without going into major details right now.

 

Good luck to you.

===

"You realize that life goes fast

It's hard to make the good things last"

[FrancoDiSantisxxx]

A Minor Suggestion

 

I think it is an excellent idea that you wish to explore foster parenting. I would suggest, however, not knowing much about your background, that you consider spending some time being a Big Brother in your community to a pre-teen or teenage boy (most likely the type you will be paired with). This will both give you a sense of what you are entertaining as well as will give both the social services department a sense of who you are as well, when and if you proceed with a foster parent application.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

My friend with the three foster children is openly gay, and he raised his three children from diapers (one is still in diapers). Last I talked with him, he had adopted two of them. (When you adopt, you, rather than the court, have legal custody, but you no longer get the $$ from the county).

[Guest sniper]

Let me preface this by statitng I am not a foster parent and have no experience with the system, but I must take issue with the suggestion to withhold the fact that you're gay.

 

First off, if we can't be out in CALIFORNIA, then we're all doomed.

 

Secondly, if you want to be a parent, I think it's setting a terrible example, and this is exactly the kind of sitaution where you should be thinking abou tthe values you want to impart and live.

 

Additionally, I would imagine lying could get you in trouble and cause them to suspect you had ulterior motives for foster parenting, especially if, as noted elsewhere, you are likely to be given a teenage boy(though perhaps they would give you a teenage girl figuring she is safer with you than with a couple with a hetero male).

 

And finally, the kids in foster care who are there are in there because they have problems in their biological families - you're getting off on the wrong foot if you start out dishonestly with them.

 

I realize the people suggesting that you not disclose your sexuality are only trying to maximize your chances of getting a child, but you also have to consider that you probably want to know if you are dealing with an agency that is going to give you grief for being gay - likewise, it could cause real problems for a kid if they are not free for adoption and their biological parents are the type who will raise holy hell if their kid is placed with a gay person - in whihch case, iot';s probably better that that kid be placed with someone else.

[BigK]

RE: A Minor Suggestion

 

GREAT idea of becomming a Big Brother first. Should be able to get great referrals from the Big Brother Organization.

[Guest fukamarine]

RE: A Minor Suggestion

 

>GREAT idea of becomming a Big Brother first. Should be able

>to get great referrals from the Big Brother Organization.

 

Will Big Brothers let a gay be a B.B.?

 

That surprises me! Would your reasons not be suspect?

 

fukamarine

[Guest fukamarine]

RE: A Minor Suggestion

 

>GREAT idea of becomming a Big Brother first. Should be able

>to get great referrals from the Big Brother Organization.

 

Will Big Brothers let a gay be a B.B.?

 

That surprises me! Would your reasons not be suspect?

 

fukamarine

[Huey]

RE: A Minor Suggestion

 

When I lived in So Cal I tried to be a Big Brother and they refused me because I am gay ! My background check was perfect, I was a somewhat known person in the community due to my job and yet was turned down.

 

Also, being a Big Brother and a Foster Parent are night and day. It is one thing to spend a few hours a week with a kid and have no obligation to his daily welfare otherwise and another to actually have him live with you.

 

I suggest to Pablo to be honest and if being a foster parent is what you want to do then start there, good luck

[Huey]

RE: A Minor Suggestion

 

When I lived in So Cal I tried to be a Big Brother and they refused me because I am gay ! My background check was perfect, I was a somewhat known person in the community due to my job and yet was turned down.

 

Also, being a Big Brother and a Foster Parent are night and day. It is one thing to spend a few hours a week with a kid and have no obligation to his daily welfare otherwise and another to actually have him live with you.

 

I suggest to Pablo to be honest and if being a foster parent is what you want to do then start there, good luck

[Guest pyell]

Foster Parenting - My perspective

 

I'm a foster parent, though I can't give you any Californian experience because I live in Australia.

 

Should you tell them you are gay? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!

 

To begin with, you need to be honest with the authorities and with any child placed in your care. It's a very bad example to be secretive about such a matter. Honesty is a key in any close relationship like this. In particular, if the child is a teenager and has a problem with it, that's their call, not yours. You can't make their strange prejudices into a major civil rights issue. The welfare and interests of the child are far more important.

 

As well as that, it's important to consider that by taking a foster child, you are placing yourself at risk of being accused one day of sexually abusing the child. I'm assuming the risk is neglible, but the risk of a false accusation is there. In the current hysterical climate about priests fondling altar boys and abuses in orphanages and so on, you are at risk of an accusation about you. Imagine how much worse it is if the accuser is able to "out" you to the authorities. "Why did you hide the fact that you are gay" they will ask. "What were you trying to hide?" By being entirely open about it to start with, you show (a) that you don't have a problem with being gay and (b) that there will be no secrets in relation to the child. I believe this significantly reduces the risk of a false accusation because you were upfront about being gay.

 

And what's it like being a foster parent? Challenging. I think the major challenge is establishing a relationship with the child as rapidly as possible. If you were their natural parent, you would have held them in your arms as a baby, and the child would have grow up with you, knowing you, sharing memories, and so on. With a foster child you have to acquire that, and it's not easy.

 

I tried very hard, and ended up trying far too hard. I always wanted to analyse my son (who was 15 when he came to live with me) and me to see how we were developing. It took me quite some time to just let it flow. Now, after over 4 years together, we have a relatively easy relationship, though living with an oversexed 20 year old is interesting. Surely my hormones didn't rage THAT much at his age?

 

We've had lots of ups and downs, and some very rocky moments about 4 to 6 months after he moved in. But of late we've got on pretty well, though he thinks I'm always at him about school work and clearing up, and I think he does fuck all around the house to keep it clean and tidy, and.....does this sound familiar about your relationship with your parents at the same age? Every now and then I hear my mother's voice wafting through the ether of 25 or 30 years ago telling me to clean up my room etc etc. Spooky that here I am doing all the things my parents did.

 

But it's vastly rewarding, and I wouldn't replace the last few years for anything. I love him as my son, I've rescued him from scrapes, he spontaneously gave me a big hug when I went off for a recent trip for a couple of weeks, and when he's not being a guarded reserved teenager he confides quite a few hopes and fears in me. From time to time when he's pissed, I even qualify as an honorary mate, privy to his sexual exploits as well (I think he forgets I'm there, and he prattles on with his mates and tells us all about these things).

 

I've rescued him from the police station several times for being drunk while out with his mates (so what's new?), and he's had a few criminal scrapes too, one relatively serious. You need to know that foster teenage boys in particular can have major emotional problems, and taking on a foster teenager is quite a big ask. Don't expect a happy ending: you might end up with sadness and turmoil. I had to get a lawyer to represent my son when he pleaded guilty to smashing another kid's face into the counter of the local petrol station one night for no particularly good reason - all recorded on security video tape, and boy did it look bad. Since then he's actually been very good and very careful about not breaking the law, so it seems to have turned him around. But it was worrying for a while.

 

You need huge supplies of patience and understanding, and never never EVER reject a child in foster care. They've had lots of rejection, and emotional security is a key issue. My son now realises that he won't be rejected and that no matter what he does, I will love him and give him a place to live. This is by far the highest priority, and I think it's the key to why I've succeeded with him where a dozen or so previous placements all failed. Not rejecting him is not just a matter of saying it but doing it. I have been so tempted to chuck him out on a number of occasions when he has infuriated me - not cleaning things up, not doing what I ask him, and so on. You can lose your temper so easily, and you can find yourself doing something you will regret. I have on occasions had to deliberately and consciously control myself, on one particular occasion just walking away to make sure I didn't get too angry and say something to reject him that I would never forgive myself for when I had calmed down.

 

Six hours later, that charming lovely smile of his comes out, we're back to being good friends, and I can't imagine what life was like without him. He describes me to his friends as being a real father in his life, though he doesn't call me "dad", I think because he was really too old to get used to doing that when he came to stay. But I'm his dad in all but name, and I've got used to the rather ambiguous way this comes across.

 

Actually, it once got me into some difficulty. I was at a conference and met people from interstate I'd known for years. They had heard that I had recently "acquired" a teenage boy, and started making comments to other people at the conference about my "toy boy". I was incandescent with anger when I heard about this, but because he won't call me "dad" I can't as easily explain to people what the relationship is.

 

What you are proposing to do is very good and I wish you all the very best. But please take it carefully, be absolutely honest with the authorities and with any child in your care, and don't expect that it will necessarily turn out for the best. It may well do so if you play it right and if it works out. And if that happens, you are in for the most rewarding and fulfilling experience you could ever have in life. And if it doesn't happen, work out what went wrong and try again.

[Guest pyell]

Foster Parenting - My perspective

 

I'm a foster parent, though I can't give you any Californian experience because I live in Australia.

 

Should you tell them you are gay? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!

 

To begin with, you need to be honest with the authorities and with any child placed in your care. It's a very bad example to be secretive about such a matter. Honesty is a key in any close relationship like this. In particular, if the child is a teenager and has a problem with it, that's their call, not yours. You can't make their strange prejudices into a major civil rights issue. The welfare and interests of the child are far more important.

 

As well as that, it's important to consider that by taking a foster child, you are placing yourself at risk of being accused one day of sexually abusing the child. I'm assuming the risk is neglible, but the risk of a false accusation is there. In the current hysterical climate about priests fondling altar boys and abuses in orphanages and so on, you are at risk of an accusation about you. Imagine how much worse it is if the accuser is able to "out" you to the authorities. "Why did you hide the fact that you are gay" they will ask. "What were you trying to hide?" By being entirely open about it to start with, you show (a) that you don't have a problem with being gay and (b) that there will be no secrets in relation to the child. I believe this significantly reduces the risk of a false accusation because you were upfront about being gay.

 

And what's it like being a foster parent? Challenging. I think the major challenge is establishing a relationship with the child as rapidly as possible. If you were their natural parent, you would have held them in your arms as a baby, and the child would have grow up with you, knowing you, sharing memories, and so on. With a foster child you have to acquire that, and it's not easy.

 

I tried very hard, and ended up trying far too hard. I always wanted to analyse my son (who was 15 when he came to live with me) and me to see how we were developing. It took me quite some time to just let it flow. Now, after over 4 years together, we have a relatively easy relationship, though living with an oversexed 20 year old is interesting. Surely my hormones didn't rage THAT much at his age?

 

We've had lots of ups and downs, and some very rocky moments about 4 to 6 months after he moved in. But of late we've got on pretty well, though he thinks I'm always at him about school work and clearing up, and I think he does fuck all around the house to keep it clean and tidy, and.....does this sound familiar about your relationship with your parents at the same age? Every now and then I hear my mother's voice wafting through the ether of 25 or 30 years ago telling me to clean up my room etc etc. Spooky that here I am doing all the things my parents did.

 

But it's vastly rewarding, and I wouldn't replace the last few years for anything. I love him as my son, I've rescued him from scrapes, he spontaneously gave me a big hug when I went off for a recent trip for a couple of weeks, and when he's not being a guarded reserved teenager he confides quite a few hopes and fears in me. From time to time when he's pissed, I even qualify as an honorary mate, privy to his sexual exploits as well (I think he forgets I'm there, and he prattles on with his mates and tells us all about these things).

 

I've rescued him from the police station several times for being drunk while out with his mates (so what's new?), and he's had a few criminal scrapes too, one relatively serious. You need to know that foster teenage boys in particular can have major emotional problems, and taking on a foster teenager is quite a big ask. Don't expect a happy ending: you might end up with sadness and turmoil. I had to get a lawyer to represent my son when he pleaded guilty to smashing another kid's face into the counter of the local petrol station one night for no particularly good reason - all recorded on security video tape, and boy did it look bad. Since then he's actually been very good and very careful about not breaking the law, so it seems to have turned him around. But it was worrying for a while.

 

You need huge supplies of patience and understanding, and never never EVER reject a child in foster care. They've had lots of rejection, and emotional security is a key issue. My son now realises that he won't be rejected and that no matter what he does, I will love him and give him a place to live. This is by far the highest priority, and I think it's the key to why I've succeeded with him where a dozen or so previous placements all failed. Not rejecting him is not just a matter of saying it but doing it. I have been so tempted to chuck him out on a number of occasions when he has infuriated me - not cleaning things up, not doing what I ask him, and so on. You can lose your temper so easily, and you can find yourself doing something you will regret. I have on occasions had to deliberately and consciously control myself, on one particular occasion just walking away to make sure I didn't get too angry and say something to reject him that I would never forgive myself for when I had calmed down.

 

Six hours later, that charming lovely smile of his comes out, we're back to being good friends, and I can't imagine what life was like without him. He describes me to his friends as being a real father in his life, though he doesn't call me "dad", I think because he was really too old to get used to doing that when he came to stay. But I'm his dad in all but name, and I've got used to the rather ambiguous way this comes across.

 

Actually, it once got me into some difficulty. I was at a conference and met people from interstate I'd known for years. They had heard that I had recently "acquired" a teenage boy, and started making comments to other people at the conference about my "toy boy". I was incandescent with anger when I heard about this, but because he won't call me "dad" I can't as easily explain to people what the relationship is.

 

What you are proposing to do is very good and I wish you all the very best. But please take it carefully, be absolutely honest with the authorities and with any child in your care, and don't expect that it will necessarily turn out for the best. It may well do so if you play it right and if it works out. And if that happens, you are in for the most rewarding and fulfilling experience you could ever have in life. And if it doesn't happen, work out what went wrong and try again.

[Guest Pablo]

RE: Foster Parenting - My perspective

 

Thank you all for the good information.

[guyinsf]

RE: Foster Parenting - My perspective

 

I guess I'll add one more comment, since no one has brought it up yet. I hope this doesn't come across as too judgmental:

 

What do you think about the practice of buying or selling sex in terms of being a foster parent? Quite honestly such activity is one reason why a child might be removed from a birth parent in the first place. I don't know you or your situation, but I'm pretty sure that if you were upfront about paying for sex that no foster care agency would want to place a child with you. This is an issue for you to consider, particularly since you would be likely to get an older child who might put two-and-two together and then tell his social worker.

 

I'm not saying that I share the same bias in terms of the fitness of someone to parent who happens to pay hot guys for sex, but I think it makes sense to be real about the general cultural outlook on this. Particularly since you are talking about becoming an important figure in the life of a child who has already been through a lot of shit, it's important to consider the impact of this "lifestyle choice" on that child's life -- not necessarily in terms of any role modeling that you would be providing (though I'm sure that most social workers would have some negative opinions about that) but in terms of becoming another failed attachment in that young person's life.