The Best of Fin Fang Foom

[Guest Fin Fang Foom]

As per many of your requests, I have compiled a "Best Of..." collection of my posts. If you sit and read them all in one sitting, it will be a bit of an overdose. My suggestion is to print out this post and put it in your bathroom. It makes for good toilet reading.

 

 

#21024, "Fin Fang Foom Visits The Gaeity"

 

This weekend our beloved New York Observer didn't review The Gaiety so I decided to fill in for him - although I will not doing it the way he does.

 

This is the first time I've been to The Gaiety in at least 15 years. I remember it being very sleazy and a little creepy. Although it's not going to be featured in Architectural Digest anytime soon, it's clean and appears to be well-maintained. My only major complaint would be regarding the lighting design of the stage. Too often the dancers disappear into darkness because the entire stage isn't really lit and they move from light to light. If you're sitting in the back, it would probably give you a headache. My only other complaint is with whoever does the announcing. I don't know if it's his intention, but the guy is doing a great impression of the killer from "Play Misty For Me". I was with two friends and we were constantly trying to figure out the names of the dancers as the announcer creepily whispered the names. My apologizes if I got any names wrong.

 

(In order of appearance)

 

1. AUSTIN: Without question, the most handsome of the evening. He honestly looks like a runway model - and behaves as such. The three of us kept saying: "Oh my god, he's perfect!" However, what he was given in looks he was deprived of in stage personality. He slowly walked the stage as though it were a catwalk and blew "fashion attitude" at the crowd. He came out for the second dance with his cock (7"x5.5") rock-hard and pointing up to the ceiling. It didn't stay that way long but it was lovely while it lasted. (NOTE: When I say a cock is 7" I mean it's SEVEN INCHES not 5". Most escorts who say they have 7" really have five. A true 7" cock is a beauty to behold).

 

2. BEN: Ben is the performer of the group. He came out in a Judy Jetson silver lame-like shorts and shirt ensemble. Very cute but not something you would wear on the street on a hot night in August. Ben is obviously a dancer by training as he moves beautifully and has lots of fun with the audience. He came out for the second dance sporting a beautiful (7"x5.5") hardon. His body is pretty much perfection and Ben was the favorite of the three of us that night.

 

3. DONOVAN: He's been reviewed here so you can check out his "private" talents. When it comes to the stage, he basically has no sexual energy. He's a beautiful man but you can tell he's bored and just going through the motions. He also came out for the second dance with a hardon (7"x5") and was nice enough to play with his cock, but even that was mechanical. Like I said, he's beautiful to look at, but so is a statue.

 

4. TRISTAN: After three guys with basically zero body fat and so cut up you could almost see their vascular system, it was a little jarring to see someone come out with the hint of a middle. He wasn't fat by any means but he was a slightly thicker guy but still muscular. He wins the award for "Worst Tattoo" - on his back there's a tattoo of a woman's skull wearing a crown. Not a good choice. Also, he has a bad dye job. His dancing was standard strip joint gyrations. He came out (FINALLY) for the second dance with what was his attempt at a hardon (5.5"x5.5" - sound like a cube, doesn't it?) but it wasn't at full attention. Nice big balls. More strip joint gyrations. My feeling is that this guy has been doing this for a while - and it shows.

 

5. MIGUEL TORRES: Second bad dye job in a row. Another great body although a little more beefed up. This may be the Miguel that's been reviewed but not with a dye job - I can't quite tell from the picture on the site. His performance was also perfunctory He was the only dancer who kept his hardon (6.5"x5") the entire time.

 

6. GIOVANNI: He came out in a chain harness and a Ninja outfit. A great performer. Amazing muscular and cut up body. He came out for the second dance with his uncut cock (7.5"x5.5") 85% hard and swinging to the left. The crowd loved him - as well they should. Why has this guy never been reviewed as an escort?!?

 

7. TREVOR: He came out wearing a grey shirt/black pants combo that looked like something Tom Ford would wear. Very classy. Shorter guy and possibly the most "built" of the evening. His act was basically all posing. He came out for the second dance sporting a very pretty hardon (6.5"x5.5") and did lots of posing. While he was posing, I was reminded of the famous Dorothy Parker line: "For those who like that sort of thing, that's the sort of thing they like." It wasn't until he was leaving the stage that he finally gave the crowd a smile - he should do that more often.

 

8. JEREMY: This is another guy who I think has been doing this for quite a while and it shows. He bounces more than he dances and he plays with his belt alot. He came out for the second dance hard (6"x5") and bounced some more. He's muscular but not cut-up. He looks like he's a hard 24.

 

9. NIKO VALENTINE: He came out wearing a black suit, a white Panama hat and sunglasses. It looked like an outfit you'd buy off the street at 37th and 8th. He had the best music of the evening. He came out for the second dance with a big hardon (8"x6") that curves slightly to the left. He's built like a brick shit house. He looks like an A&F boy who has majorly bulked up. NOTE: For you guys into feet, M turned to me and said: "He has a pronated toe." I don't think I want to know what that means.

 

10. DAYTON: He came out in overalls and a white painter's cap turned backwards (which he never once removed - thinning hair possibly?). He has very thick black eye brows and he looks as though he could be porn star Eric Hanson's older brother. He came out for the second dance with his cock rock hard (7.5"x5.5"). His dancing "style" is to shake - ALOT. He did a couple of amazing power moves - he was obviously a gymnast in his youth. As pretty as he is, up close, he looks like rough trade.

 

11. NICK: What a tragedy. The guy has a great body but his idea of dancing is to walk on the stage as though he's walking through thick mud and his boots keep getting stuck and he has to pull them out. It was the most peculiar thing I've ever seen. Also, I don't know if he has back problems, but he certainly "dances" as though he does. He wore a tight knit cap the entire time (more thinning hair?) He came out for the second dance hard (4.5"x4.5") and although it's a very pretty cock, it's the smallest of the group. He did lots of moves that left no question in the minds of the audience whether he's a bottom or not.

 

12. RICO: To my surprise, this was the ONLY black guy of the evening and he's probably more blatino than actually "black". The tallest of the night. (It's odd, because of the height of the stage you can't quite tell how tall the guys are so when I saw them out by the "refreshments" later, I was shocked to see that none of them - except for Rico - were tall. On average, I would say their heights were 5'8") Now back to Rico - who is probably 6'1". He moves very sensually on stage and is very handsome. He came out with what was an attempt at a hardon (my guess would be he's 7"x5" when erect). Very VERY sexy man. Is he "Ricardo" that's been reviewed here?

 

13. JOHNNY: For the chicken hawks in the crowd, this was what they were waiting for. A slim guy who dances like he's at a club. He looks like the kind of guy you'd have picked up at Boy Bar on a Saturday night and then awoken the next morning to find he's left and stolen all your cash (or, at least that's what my friend M said to me - he would be more familiar with that scenario than I). He came out with a long semi-hard uncut cock (7.5"x5") that got the "ladies" all excited. He gave us all a very nice view of his hole (cue applause) and he sauntered alot. Very cute kid. I'm not into twinks but I would fuck him.

 

Well, that's it boys and girls. A couple of closing observations: My friend M, who I went with, goes there regularly and according to him, he has never seen a more beautiful group of men all in one evening. It honestly was stunning. I was surprised by the fact, with the exception of Rico, there were no black guys and very few latin ones. My friend thought it was a bunch of Canadians. (I'm moving to Canada this week.) Also, I was surprised by the crowd. I was expecting it to look like an open call for "The Burgess Meredith Story" but there were lots of guys in their 30's.

 

I have a few questions for those of you "in the know":

 

1. What's going on backstage that gets those guys hard? Is someone blowing them? The pressure to get a boner in 2 minutes and then dash on stage must be awful.

2. There's no place there for "private shows", is there?

3. Are these guys making their money only on tips? I don't think anyone got more than $12 in tips. Or are they just there to pick up "clients"?

 

Informatively yours,

 

FFF

 

 

 

 

 

#23631, "Fin Fang Foom Returns to The Gaiety"

 

Well boys and girls. It was a rainy cold day here in the world's most important and most celebrated metropolis so I decided to ankle on up to The Gaiety and take in the lads who have rent to pay.

 

As I was sitting there, looking up at a dangling penis, I was reminded of Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" when George Peppard took her to the strip bar. As she was sitting there watching a woman gyrate, she turned to George and asked: "Do you think she's deeply and importantly talented?"

 

The bad news is that I went in the afternoon and little did I know that the show with the 15 guys (or whatever the number is) is in the EVENING! So, I got to bask in the "talents" of only seven. I apologize and I promise I won't let it happen again.

 

So here we go....................

 

GEMINI came out wearing the tried and true jeans with sleeveless white t-shirt combo. Although he can move, his "dancing" was more robotic than rhythmic. It seemed as though someone wound him up backstage and then sent him out. Very attractive guy - although, he’s gonna have one nasty double chin once he hits middle-age. Dark hair with blond highlights. So-so audience interaction. (And what a scary group THAT was!) He came out for the second "dance" with Mr. Happy very happy. He was accessorized with one of those clear rubber cockrings with the little spikes (those spikes make it oh so butch, don't you think?). More robotic dancing. VERY BEAUTIFUL 6" uncut cock and perfectly proportioned balls. Lean muscular build and nice ass. Yes, he was barefoot for those who care about that sort of thing. He seemed to be very proud of his legs as he kept flexing them. They were nice but not body builder legs so I don't know what was up with that.

 

RONNIE was a latin guy who wore a white tank top/jeans/sneakers. Very handsome. Not very tall. Very muscular - in fact, pretty much perfection. Amazing abs (try and have those when you hit 40 baby doll!). He can actually dance and was very personable with the audience - which he gets points for in my book since 2/3 of the audience was embalmed. He came out for the 2nd "dance" sporting a very nice 8" uncut cock with a distinct leftward curve. Even though he had the thing choked at the base, he soon lost his hardon. However, he was a trooper and would continually jerk it off for the audience - which wheezed with appreciation. He also like to show off his big muscle butt - something of which he should be very proud.

 

SIMON is a big body builder who can't dance to save his life. He's one of those guys who looks MUCH older than he really is (steroids'll do that to ya). He's definitely been ridden hard and put away wet. He came out wearing a mesh top with those snap-away pants that are all the rage with Chippendale's dancers. You gotta give it to him, he's gotten himself into amazing shape (if you like that sorta thing) but at a large cost to his face. He came out for the 2nd "dance" with a fat 6" uncut cock that miraculously stayed hard the entire time - he too had one of those rubber spiked cockrings (they seem to be the thing to have at The Gaiety). He did his posing thing throughout the second song and showed off his ass alot - BIG ASS, as you would expect. One note though, maybe it's just me, but of all the small tattoos he could have chosen to put on his right ass cheek, I don't think a little butterfly was the butchest choice. He probably also has one of those little rat dogs back at home.

 

SEBASTIAN came out wearing a shirt with a Chinese dragon on the back and some nondescript pants. This lad was a victim of mousse abuse. His hair had so much mousse and hairspray in it that you couldn't have driven a nail through it. His dancing, if you can call it that, was unmemorable - so much so, that I didn't even make a notation to myself about it. For his 2nd "dance" he came out with a lovely 7" uncut hardon and very nice tight balls. He got points from me for not having a cockring. However, the boner didn't stay up for long. Dancing in a morgue will do that to a guy. He had a lovely lean and muscular body but unfortunately he tattooed three Chinese symbols between his left obliques and middle abs. (When will these boys learn?!?) But what can you expect from a guy who wears a pooka shell necklace! For you ass men, and aren't we all, nice ass but nothing special.

 

ROCHA is a man. Not a boy. Not a guy. He's an M-A-N. I recognized him from my gym. He always working out with some bitch with bolt-ons who dresses like a whore. I can only assume that she's either a stripper or works for The New York Public Library. He's the Brazilian guy who's pictured in the Ipanema issue of Genre. His claim to fame is the "skeleton" tattoo that he has on his back - and some of his front. He came out wearing a white judo outfit and promptly got out of it. He was wearing some sort of underpants that were tight as a second skin and left nothing to the imagination. Rocha tried to dance and succeeded more than most of the others, but he's not a dancer. He's a man. He reappeared for the 2nd "dance" with an 8" uncut boner that swung to the left. Regular sized balls. He too had his cock choked at the base - very Robin Byrd Men4Men. He stalked the stage rather than danced for the second half. If you can look past his tattoos, you'll see that he has a PERFECT man's body. Perfectly proportioned, great legs, meaty ass, 6'3", hairy chest, great nipples, on and on. Did I mention he's a man? Rocha is the man that all you bottoms fantasize fucking you into oblivion. In case I wasn't clear, he's a man.

 

ERIC came out wearing a "Nutrition Discount" of Houston, Texas t-shirt. I'm not sure The Gaiety is the product placement they had in mind when the made those shirts. But to make us feel more at home, he did wear a blue Yankees baseball cap. Eric was a short muscular latin guy who also danced robotically (cockrings and robots seemed to be the theme this afternoon.). He's a real muscle pup. For the 2nd "dance" he came out with a 7" cut hardon (the only cut guy of the show) that ALSO was choked at the base. He had beautiful quads but the calves needed more work. He was very personable and very attractive. I would fuck him.

 

JOHNNY was a blast from the past for me. He "danced" when I went there a few months ago. The chicken hawks in the audience sat right up and started squawking. It was a very funny thing to witness. This audience, which appeared ready to be interred, suddenly came to life like the corpse from The Mummy. They banged their canes against their walkers and tapped on their oxygen tanks like a bunch of cocaine-addicted rhesus monkeys wanting another fix. For a moment, I feared for Johnny's safety. I suspect he's use to this unseemly behavior and acted as though nothing was going on. He was wearing that same "skate board kid" outfit he had on last time (or a variation thereof) and did his usual "I'm at Boy Bar" dancing routine. For his 2nd "dance" he STILL couldn't get a hardon (just like the first time I saw him). His dick is just nicely plump and standing at half mast. Is there no one backstage who can blow this kid until he gets a boner? He saunters through his final minutes and gives the front row lots of shots of his butthole. What a trooper.

 

And that's all folks!

 

One side note: between dancers, I ran to the little boys' room to take a piss and there was a VERY hot guy standing up at the urinal jerking off. Don't you just HATE IT when attractive men use bathrooms for their own sexual gratification!?!?

 

Oh yeah, I gave him a grope for all of you..

 

Sacrificially yours,

 

FFF

 

 

 

 

#26861, "Fin Fang Foom Returns to The Gaiety"

 

 

Last night found me with nothing particularly interesting to do. I knew what was going to happen on Big Brother 3 (no reason to sit and watch that) so I decided I would take a trip to The Gaiety and see what lads were appearing. I called my friend Mo (as in “ho-MO”) and he joined me for the 9:15 show.

 

We arrived in time to see the last two guys and then the finale. The finale is good to see because you then know if the evening is going to be a waste of time or not. Although the line-up wasn’t as stellar as the first time I went, it was worth staying around for.

 

The crowd was much better than the last time I went. The average age was probably around 46, whereas, the last time the median age was somewhere between death and decomposition. My favorite patron was Irene Ryan’s twin brother who was sitting dead center. When he left halfway through the show, he said to his friends “I’ll see you in a couple of months – if I’m still alive.” Also, I saw only one woman there so the “fish factor” was tolerable.

 

The lounge (or whatever it’s called) was FILLED with guys waiting to pounce on the ladies as they came from backstage. However, most guys stand up against the mirror, trying their best to be absorbed into the wall. It’s a fascinating dynamic to watch. But you don’t really care about this – you wanna hear about dick so let’s get started.

 

ADAM is a short 27yo blond, spiky-haired muscle pup. He came out wearing a tight black shirt with an ugly pair of gray wide-legged trousers. (Fashion Memo to Adam: if you’re short, don’t wear wide trousers – it accentuates your height) He bounces more than actually dances and has a perpetual smirk on his face. I think, for him, the choice is either a smirk or an expression of abject horror because of the front row. For the second song he came out with a 6” boner and tiny balls. He had Mr. Happy totally choked to keep him up. In fact, unless otherwise noted, EVERY SINGLE DANCER had his hardon strangled. He bounced some more around the stage. Nothing special – a totally rote performance. My bet is, in person, he’s a bit of a lady.

 

TONY PITT is well-known to most everyone. I’d guess he’s around 25. He’s very short – but not a borderline midget. He wore a white long-sleeved shirt with a new pair of jeans that weren’t faded. He actually dances, sorta, and likes to wag his ass – ALOT. The most memorable thing he did was to slap his belt onto the stage. I’m sure some were excited by this, I, however, was afraid he’d accidentally hit someone with it. For his second song he came back out with his 6” hardon but it almost immediately went down (maybe it was that front row). He’s got a great ass but his calves need work. I didn’t notice him ever give the audience a peek at his butthole. I guess wagging it is all he does. On a side note, this past spring I saw him walking up 9th Avenue, hand in hand, with some big-titted girl. He’s suppose to be “straight”, right? (Yeah, right)

 

BEN VERSACE (not his real name) is the star of the show (more on him at the end of the review). He’s probably around 25 and came out in a sailor outfit, performing to “She Bangs”. He doesn’t just dance, he’s got the number pretty much choreographed. He stripped down to a red velvet g-string (bad choice). He has a beautiful lean muscular body that isn’t a pumped up gym body (thank goodness). For his second song, he came out with his uncut 7” pointing to the sky (yes, it was choked). He gets a Fashion Violation for still wearing the black dress shoes and socks from the sailor outfit. In a word: hideous. Shaved pubes. He did lots of rolling around the stage. He’s the best, period.

 

MARCO is a 26yo who came out wearing all black and sunglasses. He has great tits and abs. He’s lean but very muscular. He has a scar from his navel to his (shaved) pubes and another small appendectomy scar. He’s very handsome and his profile reminds me of a roman statue. However, no Roman statue I’ve seen has the ugly ass sideburns he has – they’re long and narrow and thick. He came out for the second song with his 7” rock hard and straight up. He’s beautifully proportioned. He doesn’t dance so much as slink around the stage. He also has a tattoo on both deltoids and one on his back. Another mistake. He’s possibly the most handsome of the guys.

 

CODY is a blond 25yo who’s got a real South Beach thing going on. He wore a white tank top and white drawstring pants. He’s got a thick muscularity. Nice back. A very high maintenance body. His late 30’s aren’t going to be pretty. He was sweating like a whore in a church. His most common dancing “move” is to wag his hips with his arms straight out. He was either dancing or attempting to guide a plane onto The Gaiety’s stage – I wasn’t quite sure. The second song brought him out with a 6.5” hardon. He went through the motions some more. He was wearing white socks – why? His pubes were basically all gone (they must have a drum of Neet backstage). Nice looking guy going through the motions.

 

MARLON is a 26yo black guy who came out in an all white “mental patient” outfit (w/black socks, huh?) dancing to that “They Say I’m Crazy” song (or whatever the title is) they’re ALWAYS playing at my gym. He’s black, ergo, he can dance well. He stripped down to a pair of nylon flag shorts (9/11 homage?) For his second song, he entered from the audience. He was wearing a hideous black sequined raincoat. After the proper amount of time, he threw it open to reveal a HUGE 8.5” hardon - a black guy with a huge cock, what a surprise! The two most memorable things about him were that his scrotum was pieced (OUCH!) and he was able to bend over and lick the head of his cock. As a matter of fact, at one point, he turned his back to the audience, spread his legs (and ass) and then bent over and licked the head of his cock. Very impressive – for those who are impressed by that sort of thing.

 

ROBERT BALINT is a 27yo Hungarian Falcon porn star. He came out wearing a black mesh shirt and white linen jeans (another Fashion Violation). He moves well but he looks like he’d be more comfortable on a box at The Roxy. My biggest criticism of him is that he never looks at the audience – ALWAYS above it. Maybe he’s trying to avoid that front row. He came out for his second song with a 6.5” uncut hardon (this was not an evening for size queens). He got points for not having it choked, which, of course meant he lost his boner within seconds. Nice body for those who like that type but he has a flat ass – I have two words for Robert: “dead lifts”. Interestingly, although he was the “star” of the evening, he didn’t get many tips. It might’ve helped if he’d look into the audience.

 

RONNIE LaCOUER (not his real name) is a dark 27yo PR who came out wearing leather chaps, leather vest and a chain male jock – not my fashion choice for a warm September evening. He’s an energetic, although not graceful, dancer. He’s very muscular and has great tits and abs. Also handsome. However, he’s got zits on his back – time to adjust your cycle, Ronnie. For his second song, he came out with a slightly curved 8” hardon. More shaved pubes! He got points for actually jerking off a bit on stage. The guy next to me put a $10 tip out for him but surprisingly ignored Marco when he came up to him. The guy just kept looking straight ahead. And the point of that would be……………?

 

JAY is a tall attractive 33yo blonde with a beautiful lithe dancer’s body. He gets my vote for “Most Likely To Be On Amphetamines”. He came out in jeans, black beret(!) and a white wife beater. His dancing was so frenetic that he was just throwing himself all over the stage. In fact, I wrote in my notes “I thought he was going to throw himself into the audience” and looked up just in time to see him fall off the stage. It didn’t faze him a bit so he continued whirling around the stage like a man possessed. He did slow down long enough to do a very nice power move involving a handstand. At this point he had taken off the jeans and was wearing only a pair of white mesh “pant things”. They looked like something Desiree Cousteau would get fucked in back in the late 70’s. Yet another Fashion Violation! For his second song he came charging out with a 6” hardon. JAY, PLEASE STAND STILL!!! He’s obviously a trained dancer but enough already! He would be lovely to look at if he’d just calm down. He left me needing a drink – and I hate the taste of liquor.

 

VITO is a 25yo latino who wore a black cut-off T-shirt and jeans. He didn’t really dance – he kept hopping all over the stage. I needed a Dramamine by the end of his first song. He must have been studying Robert Balint because he also looked above the audience. For his second song he came out with an 8” uncut hardon, curving to the right. He doesn’t know how to move slowly – he just kinda oozes across the stage. Although he’s very lean and muscular, he’s proportioned all wrong so the parts don’t add up to a pretty whole. The guy next to me also left him a $10 tip but because Vito never looked down, he never noticed it and had to be called back onto the stage as he was leaving to retrieve it. Once again, the guy kept staring forward.

 

SEBASTIAN is a 26yo I’ve seen before. Unfortunately, since I saw him last, he hasn’t changed his hairstyle. His black hair is spiked straight up with so much mousse and spray that you STILL couldn’t drive a nail through it. He’s another Roxy dancer wannabe. He liked using his belt as a prop – but no Tony Pitt slapping of it. For his second song, he came out with a 7” uncut hardon that went down within seconds. More shaved pubes. He just moves around the stage – no real dancing. The guy next to me left ANOTHER $10 tip and Sebastian never paid attention to the guy (but did take it, thank you very much). He’s got a nice muscular (high maintenance) body. He unfortunately has a Chinese tattoo under his left pec. Shame shame shame.

 

TONY is a 24yo blond who came out wearing a tank top, jeans and his CELLPHONE. After a bit, he threw it offstage. He stripped down (since he wasn’t dancing) to a white 2xist jock strap. He has a regular guy body and appealed to the chicken hawks in the audience. His dancing “style” was to stand there and rub his body to the music. He looked as bored as I felt. Like a couple of the other guys, he also looked above the audience. Also, his mouth was always slightly open – I remember my grandmother saying “Close your mouth before you catch a fly!” For someone who didn’t move around the stage, he certainly was sweating alot! For his second song, he came out without even attempting to get hard – it was just a little plump and I would guess it never gets above 5”. It was pretty though. Like I said, it wasn’t an evening for size queens. He teased with his ass a bit and the dirty old men seemed to like him.

 

RAY is a tall 28yo Brazilian guy who’s been reviewed here. He passed on the first song and came out buck naked – I love a man who just cuts to the chase. The first time that evening I saw him he had a hardon but the second time he was limp. When hard, he’s a nice thick 7.5”. He doesn’t dance – he just walks around the stage and poses. He has a full tattoo on his left arm. He’s very handsome and his body is very impressive, although, his arms are too short for his body. He chats with the audience when he picks up a tip and he’s very touchy feely in the lounge. Overall, he’s all that, a bag of chips and a super-size drink.

 

WHEW! That’s it ladies. I don’t know how NY Observer does this every week. You couldn’t pay me to do it weekly. Well, you could, but it would cost you alot.

 

Also, I just read what I wrote and I apologize that it’s not very funny. There weren’t enough disasters for me to riff on. I’ll try to do better next time.

 

However, a few thoughts about Ben Versace before I leave you.

 

Anyone who has seen him perform knows that he’s a PERFORMER. In fact, he’s a wonderful performer who’s very talented. It’s obvious be wants to be on stage performing for people – and NOT just as a stripper. Ben could actually have a career but it will never happen for him as long as he’s working as a whore. He might get a little job here or there but he will never have a CAREER as long as he does this, and I think that’s sad. I’m afraid he’s gotten sucked into the easy money trap and can’t quite get out. Someone needs to sit him down and have a talk with him. He could really go somewhere, but right now, the only place he’s going is straight to nowhere.

 

Forever yours,

 

FFF

 

 

#42955, Fin Fang Foom Visits El Mirage"

 

A friend of mine has for months been telling me about El Mirage on Houston Street. He loves to regale me with tales of wanton debauchery and hot steamy man-sex - at which point I ask him to get back to the subject of El Mirage. He's told me that it's lots of fun and there're many hot guys there and blah blah blah - you know, all the regular stuff.

 

So, I decided I would go, see for myself and report back to all my cyber-sandbox playmates here on the message board. (Who loves ya baby?)

 

For those not acquainted with Manhattan's geography, Houston Street (pronounced HOUSE-ton) is a main drag running east and west at the north edge of Soho. It's located at 253 Houston, where the East Village ends and the Bowery begins. The area once was seedy, but not anymore. You take the F train to Houston and walk a couple blocks east. It's on the south side of the street.

 

You enter at street level through a door that says nothing more than "Studio 253". Upon entering, I was greeted by a giant. (Not in the mythological sense, although trolls WERE in abundance, but I'm getting ahead of myself) In fact, the help at the front door was slightly surreal. As I stood in line, I was looking at the guy taking the money and thinking how much he looked like a girl - poor guy. As I got closer I realized that he looked like a girl because he was a she and she was a lesbian. I don't have a problem with lesbians, but really now folks, call me old fashioned, but if I'm going to a gay sex club, I would rather not have a woman be taking my money at the front door.

 

I paid by $40 membership fee and was told that the $20 admission charge was waved with the first visit. (I can do the math, I didn't feel I was done any favors there) She then instruction me to step behind that curtain that the giant Carol Merrill was standing in front of. Being the obedient patron that I am, I ankled on over and stepped behind the curtain. The giant joined me behind the curtain and asked me several questions as to whether I was in law enforcement, etc. and I told him: "No, I'm a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. I love things that suck." My friend had prepared me for the next question which was: "Take out your cock and show it to me". (Apparently, cops don't have cocks) I did, he let out a whistle and then said: "Wow, congratulations". I smiled demurely, put Miss Hattie away, zipped up, grabbed my purse and sweater and walked back out. I then returned to the lesbian, she had me sign a couple of forms, gave me my membership card and my Frequent Fucker card - with 20 punches, you get one free admission - only nineteen more to go! I was also instructed that I could wear underpants or a t-shirt, but not both (apparently the skinny Asian man inside didn't read the memo) or I can be naked. It seems they don't have a problem with berets because there was a black guy running around in one. (I don't know about you, but a beret is not my idea of proper sex club wear. But I could be wrong.)

 

I was then buzzed through to the clothes check area which had the requisite faux leather couch and a TV playing bad porn. A personable guy in his late 40's handed me a hanger and informed me that coat check was $2 (oh yeah, and there was a cup for tips - fuck that shit!). There is also a frig that is stocked with refreshing generic brand beverages - my favorite was "Tea-licious!". Shockingly the drinks are free - no beer or wine. Thankfully, there was no bowl filled with Trailmix. The last thing I would want to do is eat from a bowl that's be reached into by lube-slimed hands. I put my jeans on the hanger, and of course, all my change came crashing down onto the floor - already I'm making a scene. I collect my change, finish putting everything onto the hanger, make sure my undies are fitting nicely and then give my clothes to the guy. He gives me a number that is attached to one of those things you can put around your wrist - I don't know what they're called. Finally, I'm ready for my entrance into El Mirage proper!

 

The only thing that separates the clothes check area from the club itself is a large beige canvas curtain hanging in front of the entrance. I walk through and there it is - El Mirage in all its seedy splendor. The space is shaped like a shoe box and has probably 15' ceilings. The walls are painted black (what a surprise) and it has the dim, sex club lighting you would expect. The main floor area, although dim, is well-lit and you can see everyone without any problem. In the back there is a claustrophobic room that has no lights where the really unattractive guys always tend to gravitate. There is a platform in the front that is surrounded by a wire fence and draped with that stuff you see in movies that's cloth that looks shredded - something else I don't know what it's called. An unattractive guy was getting fucked there by an equally unattractive guy and they were surrounded by more unattractive men - not a good beginning. Next to this platform area there is a thing my friend calls "the tree house" - to me it looks like the top of a castle. You can get up into it my climbing a rope ladder thing. Not once all evening did I see anyone risk humiliation by trying to climb up there. Under the tree house there is a sling that no one ever got in.

 

Moving deeper into the club, on the right there is another relatively large room that has been closed off with more beige canvas curtains (there must have been a sale on Orchard Street). Inside are two sectional couches at right angles to each other and a sling on the left. In this sling there was a dissipated middle-aged man wearing a dirty jockstrap, waiting for someone to fuck him. Even in El Mirage, the human spirit cannot be crushed and hope springs eternal. The couches were littered with men sucking and fucking and committing all manner of homosexual perversion. In other words, they were having fun. Unfortunately, not a single one of them was attractive.

 

Let me stop here and get this out of the way because it's probably what most of you are wondering: "What was the crowd like?"

 

In a word: grim.

 

Knowing that I would be writing about my experience there, I tried to do a head count. I estimated that there were about 45 guys there. The average age was probably 46 - and it was a HARD 46. Excluding my friend, there were two other guys who could be termed "hot" - sorta - they were popular but didn't really do anything for me. In fact, one of the guys walked around naked the entire time with his hand in front of his cock (put your underpants back on already!). The rest of the men mostly looked like a group of Shriners without their clothes. I know that might appeal to some of you, but I don't have a Shriners fetish. Let me also say that I don't just go for beauties. In fact, I find that I have more fun with regular guys. However, "regular" is something that night's group should aspire to. Saggy tits, flat chests, soft pudgy middles, distended bellies and nonexistent asses abounded. When I called El Mirage for times of operation, I got a recording saying that it was a club for (and this point was STRESSED, mind you) "in shape men". When a club's marketing promises that, then I expect it. If they had said nothing, then I would know that all bets were off and whoever was there was whoever was there. So, if there are any of you out there who think if you go you're gonna see something approximately the final scene of a Falcon video, you will be sorely disappointed. However, if you've always wanted to know what it would be like if the audience of the Gaiety decided to have a private sex party, then El Mirage is for you.

 

Continuing on with the tour.........

 

Behind the big curtained room is "the dark room". It has no light in it but it does get some ambient light from the doorway and there is some meshing that allows you to look into the curtained room. Behind that is a TINY cubicle that has glory two holes - that should come as a relief to you cocksuckers. The play areas run along the right side of the space, on the left there is some seating and in the back there are two or three (I lost count) bathrooms. Also at the back, and the front, there is a table with lube and condoms (although everyone I saw, except one, was barebacking) and paper towels.

 

There is a small downstairs area that reminded me of the basement in "The Blair Witch Project". When I reached the bottom of the stairs, turned left, and entered a small room, I expected to see a guy standing there, facing the corner. Instead, I was greeted by more unattractive men - what a surprise. There is also a shower downstairs. The downstairs area is probably half the size of the coat check area.

 

And that is the layout of El Mirage.

 

It's clean (as sex clubs go) and it thankfully doesn't have that smell that backrooms often have. My only real complaint about the place is that they allow smoking. After a while, my eyes began to burn and that facilitated my departure.

 

So, you may wonder, did I have fun? Not really. I was about to leave when a kid I thought was cute came in and I gave him a handjob and made him squirt. This, mind you, was after being there for over two hours. I chatted with my friend during those two hours when he wasn't patrolling the area and watched the crowd and planned what I would write. As I sat there, I figured there were some guys who thought I felt I was one of the Chelsea queens who thinks he's hotter then anyone there and is waiting for someone as fabulous as he thinks he is to arrive so he can play. But I've reached a point in my life where I'm not going to have sex just to have sex. If the guy doesn't do anything for me I'm not going to just go through the motions and get off. I'd rather sit there and people watch, which, can be very enjoyable. In fact, I never got off.

 

In closing, let me say that although the crowd wasn't a bunch of beauties, they mostly seemed to be really nice guys and there wasn't any attitude. So, if you're a guy who isn't picky about who you play with and you just like sex out in the open with a bunch of guys, El Mirage is a worthwhile evening. However, if you want to feel as though you're visiting a porn set, you'll be disappointed.

 

And that, as they say, is that.

 

Informatively yours,

 

FFF

 

 

 

#10531, "Fin Fang Foom ruminates on life at the gym"

 

1. Why is it that....the moment you, or the other guy, have reached the point of no return and are going to blow, the door opens and someone walks into the steamroom?

 

2. Why is it that....when you go to your locker from the shower, there are at least two people with lockers next to yours and barely no one else anywhere in the locker room?

 

3. Why is it that....when the guy who has been cruising you for the last 20 minutes on the gym floor starts to walk over to you, a friend of his comes running up and wants to chat with him - FOREVER?

 

4. Why is it that....when the guy who has been cruising you for the last 20 minutes on the gym floor starts to walk over to you, a friend of yours, who's a big queen, comes shrieking up to you and wants to tell you all about the FABULOUS weekend he had?

 

5. Why is it that....the moment that guy you've been waiting to see nude drops his underpants, someone with an ass as big as a Volkswagen stands between you and him, obliterating the view?

 

6. Why is it that....the guy with the huge ass walks away at the exact moment the guy has finished putting a towel around his waist?

 

7. Why is it that....the guy you've been obsessing over is always leaving the locker room to go home just as you're coming in?

 

8. Why is it that....the housekeeping guy is always coming around the corner just as you're leaving the steamroom and it's impossible to hide your hardon under your towel?

 

9. Why is it that....just as an amazing group thing is starting in the steamroom, two guys come in, sit down, and start talking with each other about the "big game" last night?

 

10. Why is it that....just when you think you're gonna get some from that guy who's been looking at you and playing with his cock, in the shower stall across from you, his boyfriend appears (fully dressed) and yells at him: "Hurry up! We're gonna be late!"?

 

11. Why is it that....the steamroom NEVER seems to be working?

 

Observantly yours,

 

FFF

 

 

 

#27711, "RE: Query for Fin Fang Foom"

 

In response to emails, I will now pick apart this morning's review of Klaus.

 

Experience:

 

After "meeting" Klaus on line,

 

Thank for you putting "meeting" in quotes - otherwise, most have us would have thought you were physically able to travel cyber-space.

 

we exchanged emails to get to know

one another better and set up our first get together. During that

process my level of trust in Klaus grew so that I was comfortable in

sending him my (face) pic before he'd favored me with his.

 

Before he FAVORED you? You just know this guy wears an ascot when he goes to the theatre.

 

 

He arrived as arranged right on schedule at my midtown hotel room.

I almost fell over when I spied him through the peephole! But the full

impact didn't come until I opened the door and he said his first words

to me. Klaus's eyes and smile would soften anyone's heart.

 

Let's send him down to Camp X-Ray and talk to THOSE guys.

 

 

Immediately I knew I'd found a real treat. Our conversation started off effortlessly, and we became so interested in one another (as people)

 

As oppossed to plankton.

 

 

that we lost all track of time.

 

Trust me bitch, he was watchin' the clock.

 

 

(I'm a bit of a talker, I'll admit.)

 

People who admit that they're "a bit of a talker" are like those who say they're a bit overweight when in fact, they're big as a house.

 

 

We had agreed on a long first date (as I prefer) so the time was certainly not wasted.

 

While the meter is running he'd rather be listening you yap than be fucking your saggy ass.

 

 

Klaus is very bright, thoughtful and warm; he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me well. (It also became clear that he is quite comfortable with men older than he.)

 

It's a good thing since he's a whore.

 

 

We broke the ice (barely a light frost by this time)

 

The nightmare begins.

 

 

by taking a shower together. It quickly turned into a shared bath which aforded me the chance to explore his 98% perfect body with me lips and tongue.

 

Is this guy Irish? "Ah laddie, I be exploring your body with me lips and tongue!"

 

 

What discoveries were made!

 

The Lindburg baby, perhaps?

 

 

I have engaged many top-quality men over the years, but Klaus is perhaps the most unselfconsciously enthusiastic recipient of my "favors" to date.

 

ewwwwwwwwwwww

 

 

The view from below of his Apollonian physique with a light "rain" streaming over his muscles -- tight and natural -- remains etched in my memory.

 

You just know his refrigerator is covered with REALLY old Colt model pictures.

 

 

We then repaired to my king bed

 

Another hideous verb choice.

 

 

for further explorating

 

EXPLORATING?

 

 

and testing a very wide array of angles.

 

Sex via a game of Twister.

 

 

We found many that pleasured us both.

 

Which means there were some that DIDN'T pleasure them both. I'll give you one guess who didn't find these pleasurable.

 

 

Klaus's trembling and sighs clearly demonstrated his appreciation of a skilled admirer.

 

OR, the trembling was waves of revulsion and the sighing was crushing boredom.

 

 

Oh so smoothly (and with only so much as a whispered "would you

have some condoms handy?")

 

The romance is almost more than I can bear.

 

 

Klaus led us to the next stage.

 

I'm sure Klaus felt a little like Dante being led to yet another circle of hell.

 

 

Rather than detail our fucking,

 

THANK YOU GOD!

 

 

I'll just say that he raeched

 

Uh oh, he's slipping into latin.

 

 

my pleasure points as if he'd known where they were all along.

 

Honey, they're in the same place on all of us.

 

 

(I didn't ask and don't normally offer my services as an anal top, but I do believe Klaus is open to that.)

 

That might be so loverboy, but with you? Not even at gunpoint.

 

 

Recalling my prior suggestion, Klaus withdrew smoothly and we finished with incredibly deep and simultaneous (my favorite!) orgasms.

 

A PHOTO FINISH!

 

I'll have to admit that Klaus's continued way longer than mine -- like an 18 year old's. (I thought for a moment I should card him to verify his age.)

 

Well, it's obvious this guy isn't a priest.

 

 

His cock was gloriously hard throughout our play time but not so stiff that it wouldn't bend as needed to round the corners.

 

YIKES! BENDING AROUND CORNERS?!?!?!? What is his cock - a Snake Light?

 

 

His thickness may be a bit of a challenge to some, but he well knows how to assist a client in making the most of it. Simply put, it's beautiful!

 

And Apollonian, lest we forget!

 

 

All in all, I must say that Klaus is one of the very few escorts who share my top ranking. Despite his being a bit older (30) than many

I've engaged previously, he has a youthful outlook and love of life that is only enhanced my his relative maturity.

 

As oppossed to all those jaded and emotionally withered 30 year olds.

 

 

I believe Klaus is working on setting up a website. My only hope is

that Klaus keeps some space on his dance card for me when I'm

working in NYC because he'll be as busy as he chooses to be once

that's done.

 

If you keep shelling out $400, he'll find room on his "dance card" - just don't ask to fuck him.

 

 

You:

 

I'm thought to be mid-40s

 

Uh huh, yeah, right.

 

 

but actually I'm 55. I travel frequently b/w SF and the East Coast. I'm trim, in decent shape, work too hard, and skilled (or so I'm told) at giving oral and enjoy being topped by the right man -- someone like Klaus, for example.

 

I'm off to an appointment.

 

Loveyoumissyoumeanit.

 

Affectionately yours,

 

FFF

 

 

 

#31181, "Fin Fang Foom On This Morning's Jon Ramsey Review"

 

Ok fellas, which one of you is the joker who wrote the review that was posted this morning? Obviously someone out there wants me to tear it apart like a hyena with a newborn kitten. Frankly, it's already a parody, and as I begin, I'm not confident I can really add anything to it.

 

Experience:

 

Somewhere in the sweaty tangle of arms and legs

 

Is he doing the nasty with Jon or Shiva?

 

 

I found my mind wandering. Jon was in my arms, in my bed, in my thoughts – and my heart pounded in a new and different way.

 

I would strongly suggest you call 911 then.

 

 

I did not wrestle with the reasons that brought this man to my home – I had no doubt whatsoever about my motives.

But after long, pensive stares at his images on his website, I found myself feeling apprehensive, timid even, about reaching out to him. I somehow felt that any pairing between the two of us would be a mismatch.

 

A rare moment of lucidity.

 

 

In a studious manner, I read, and re read his words, and his reviews.

 

More like an "obsessive" manner.

 

 

I summoned whatever courage – or audacity – necessary to contact Jon. I overcame my own sense of silly inadequacy and took the step.

 

Is this guy preparing himself for a moon walk or is he hiring a whore?

 

 

From the anonymous shell of the internet, he reached back and plucked at my heartstrings, reassuring me – telling me it was okay.

 

Great, now he's hearing voices.

 

 

And the next thing I knew - there we were – wrapped momentarily in each other’s momentary lust.

 

Did he black out?

 

 

In the mind-body compendium,

 

You mean like when Capt. Kirk was floating in space, fading in and out and they had to figure a way to get him back before that weird little ship finished making that spider web around The Enterprise?

 

 

our respective roles became clear and muddy all at the same time.

 

I think someone dropped some acid.

 

 

From the first utterance of obligatory small talk – to the inevitable mouthful of sweet/salty sperm,

 

A new Maxwell House campaign in the making.

 

 

our lives intersected without a road map.

 

Unfortunately for Jon, he left his in the glove compartment, otherwise, he would have gotten the hell out of there.

 

 

To my amazement, the moments with him felt much like a warm bath – enveloping and invigorating.

 

I'm sure the only thing Jon could think about was taking a bath as soon as possible.

 

 

There were no awkward pauses. No overused, trite porn-variety utterances.

 

How could there be? He had a mouthful of sweet/salty sperm.

 

 

The time passed in a slow-motion lilting way.

 

More support for my LSD theory.

 

 

He could have been an ex lover, or a close friend. In the short time frame that we shared, he planted a seed of trust, of history and unity.

 

Or they could have been two of the extras in the "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing" Coke commercial.

 

 

As I laid there in his arms, that’s when my mind wandered and I wondered how he had accomplished such a remarkable feat.

 

Drugs. LOTS of them.

 

 

It was, when it was all stripped down, just one very talented man, fulfilling the primal needs of another.

 

Your need being: sex (or your concept of what sex is). Jon's need being: $$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

 

But Jon is the consummate professional.

 

A euphemism for "whore".

 

 

There was not a single moment that passed that I did not feel 100% confident and at ease with his movements, his gestures,

 

Sounds more like they were a pairs couple in an ice dancing competition.

 

 

his expertise in the ways of passion. Like a highly skilled surgeon, Jon proved himself to be a master at his art. He made me smile. He made me whimper. He made me want him in ways that I cannot really explain.

 

Thank God.

 

 

He made me break open the fancy soap.

 

No no no, this MUST be a joke. No one in their right mind (and this a crucial distinction) would ever say something like that seriously. My money is on this being a joke review, but I will soldier on........

 

 

When he left, the linger of his sexy smile stayed with me.

 

Hopefully Jon made it home in one piece and the guy didn't rip his face off.

 

 

As the time passes, I find myself grinning like schoolboy. I have never experienced anything quite like the moments that Jon gave me. In his sweet, sensual, intelligent way, he wrapped me into his calm wave and allowed me to surf,

 

SOMEONE HELP ME!!!! I'M DROWNING IN WATER METAPHORS!!!!!

 

 

if only for a few fleeting minutes, into his heart. The day will come when I reach out to him once again. And I look forward to it.

 

Unfortunately for you, it's not mutual.

 

 

Exhaustively yours,

 

FFF

 

 

 

#30289, "Fin Fang Foom On Lance-Phoenix's Response"

 

To save everyone the time, here is the initial review and then Lance's response.

 

Experience:

 

Lance e mailed me to say he would be in NYC. He is a handsome guy with great reviews, so I jumped at the chance to hook up, and we agreed on a late morning meeting. When I arrived at his hotel and called , he sounded kind of groggy and said to come up in 15 minutes. He opened the door and was even better looking than his picture...devastatingly handsome and he has a body to die for. He sat on the bed eating a peanut bar...a turn off for me. We chatted about what I was expecting and when I mentioned being topped he asked if I had brought condoms and lube as he did not have any. I found this to be unbelievable, but he suggested I go to the drug store and get some. This is when I should have left and not returned. With junior g man in tow, we headed to the store...close by...and he got on his cell phone while I made the purchases. When I found him he was on the phone saying: "But I am saving myself for you!" Back at the hotel, we undressed...he was not wearing what I had requested...a shirt and tie as pictured on his site...he said that was too much to pack. I had specified deep kissing but he dry kissed only with a few flicks of his tongue thrown in for good measure. He became semi-erect, and I sucked him and tongued his hole. He is a beefy guy and great to put your arms around. When it came time to top me, he made a few feeble attempts to penetrate me and said he could not as there was some obstruction. Since had an enema that morning and had fingered myself, I know this was not true. He did not use enough lube or prep me so what he did was rather painful. By this time I was losing interest and my erection, but he used his hand to get me off and finally I did cum. When I asked if he was going to cum he said No, it would ruin him for the rest of the day! He suggested we shower, and the topper was when he handed me a wet and dirty towel from the floor and said to dry myself. I opted for a clean, dry hand towel instead. I left feeling disappoint ed and unsatisfied.

 

You:

 

I am a super clean mid-aged guy into hot and handsome escorts who are tops.

I like and expect a full session with a real pro.

 

1/11/2003: Lance Responds

 

"i am surprised by this review .." i actually went out of my way to make accommodations on last minute reservations for this gentleman. it was early and i haven't ate yet so i was battling gut pains, now i have to be a sex machine (please ), i try to keep my record up and please everyone, but in this case i can't perform miracles ....especially if you seen what i had to go through ... as you can see by what has been said in the past i have no problem with performing. but when someone expects or forces issues on me.. i do have trouble with that....i expect to have a higher class clientele that would just take their time and let the "sparks" to flow naturally (and i do mean heavy sparks..

just a few words from me..but i do love new York, it is going to be my next home. (as far as the towel, this is funny i was sharing the room with my friend so we used up the towels the night before so we didn't have any more in the room..so i offered him the cleanest one, i took the dirty one..anything for a client..

lance

 

Ok class, everyone put your books down and look up here at the blackboard. We're going to deconstruct Lance's sorry little response.

 

"i am surprised by this review .."

 

Already I'm confused. Who is he quoting?

 

 

i actually went out of my way to make accommodations on last minute reservations for this gentleman.

 

You make plane reservations and you make dinner reservations. You don't make whore reservations.

 

 

it was early and i haven't ate yet

 

I generally let the first grammatical error slide, but seriously folks: "I haven't ate yet"?!?

 

 

so i was battling gut pains, now i have to be a sex machine (please ),

 

Is it possible that there's a problem with his keyboard and the "i" will not capitalize?

 

 

i try to keep my record up and please everyone, but in this case i can't perform miracles ....especially if you seen what i had to go through ...

 

Ah, the promise of horrors! Goodie goodie! What can he possibly have in store for us? Is the guy a filthy 400lb dwarf with open sores on his cock and dripping postules all over his face? The suspense is killing me - let's find out!

 

 

as you can see by what has been said in the past i have no problem with performing. but when someone expects or forces issues on me..

 

OH NO!! He's NOT a dwarf with glandular and dermatological problems. Instead, Lance had those dreaded and feared ISSUES "forced" upon him!!!! The john was one of those horrible clients who expected the whore to be awake when he arrived on time, not be eating on the bed (hmmmm, can you say "munchies"?), have condoms, not be indiscrete on the cellphone, be wearing a shirt and tie (he didn't request a Jean Muir tangerine taffeta poof skirt ballgown), be able to get an erection (Memo to Lance: it's called Viagra, for more information click here: http://www.viagra.com ), be able to fuck him, cum (for $250, you'd better shoot like Old Faithful!), and have a clean towel. Lance, I know, I know darlin', when you get johns who have issues like that, your life must be a living hell!

 

 

i do have trouble with that....i expect to have a higher class clientele that would just take their time and let the "sparks" to flow naturally (and i do mean heavy sparks..

 

Out of curiosity, on average, how long does it take for these "heavy sparks" to fly. Also, I just love it when a whore talks about people not being "high class". Lance, you're a whore - no different from the trannies in the Meatpacking District. Just because you woke up in a hotel rather then under an awning on Gansevoort Street, it doesn't make you "high class". You're still a whore. If you're so concerned about having a higher class of clientele, might I suggest a career in Personal Banking instead.

 

 

just a few words from me..

 

Who have all these other words been from, if not you?

 

 

but i do love new York, it is going to be my next home.

 

Just what New York needs, another Splash bartender. (Somewhere, off in the distance, I hear Linda Lavin singing the theme song from "Alice".)

 

 

(as far as the towel, this is funny

 

Hysterical.

 

 

i was sharing the room with my friend so we used up the towels the night before so we didn't have any more in the room.

 

It's called "Room Service". If you know you have a "reservation" the next morning, it would be professional of you to make sure your (hopefully "high class") client has a clean towel, since he's paying you only $250 an hour to be in your presence. But then again, if you're up late with a friend and those nocturnal activities cause you to wake up with the munchies, I guess you have other, more important things, on your mind.

 

 

so i offered him the cleanest one, i took the dirty one..

 

What a prince.

 

 

anything for a client..

lance

 

Except, of course, punctuality, courtesy, discretion, optimum sexual performance, and a clean towel. Yep, Lance, you're the standard to which all others should be compared. Keep up the great work!

 

 

Supportively yours,

 

FFF

 

 

#26079, "Fin Fang Foom on Trent Foster's Response"

 

Ecorting is not always as glamorous as people may think.

Most people fail to realize that every time an escort enters a strange and

unfamiliar place, they are risking their life with a person they know

nothing about.

 

DRAMA QUEEN ALERT!!!

 

 

Over time there have been numerous deaths, rapes and unreported beatings endured by escorts world wide.

 

If these WORLD-WIDE "unreported beatings" are unreported, then how does he know about them?

 

 

Sometimes an escort may go into a situation with a really bad feeling.

Researched studies have been done on male rape victims showed that a large

percentages felt a bad vibe about the situation before it occurred.

A percentage also claim they had the chance to leave but failed to listen

and see the warning signs as they took place.

 

Not just one study but "studies". What studies are these? The news loves to report salacious "studies" like these - I've never heard a peep about these "studies".

 

 

When recollecting step by step most victims were able to see the red fags

but didn't know how to react. Unfortunately some of the people in this situation are now dead!. Sadly, some of these people killed were escorts.

 

Data, please. Also, was "red fags" a Freudian slip?

 

 

This is my recollection of the events which occurred.

RED FLAG! Anytime someone starts with "this is my recollection" then you can be pretty much assured that what they're going to relate is going to be all back and fill. "He said I said THAT? I don't remember ever saying that!" Not: "He's a big fat liar. I never said that!"

 

 

This is where he totally took my off guard when his hand shake became very aggressive. He even stated in his review that Trent had a " VERY strong grip". The truth is, his grip was far too aggressive and totally inappropriate for any situation.

 

Trent Trent Trent, let me help you with this one. To quote Sondheim, "you gotta have a gimmick". Your gimmick Trent, is to have big manly muscles. Did it ever occur to you that that reason he was overdoing the handshake was because he was trying to match/over-match you in strength? If he wanted a girlie handshake, he would have hired a twink. What did you think was going to happen: death by hand-squeezing?

 

 

He then got overly excited about the matching silver paint of both our

vehicles.....(Very Strange!)

 

Yep! You pegged 'im! He's definitely an ax murderer! Studies have shown that homocidal maniacs are always tipping their hands by finding something stupid in common with the person they have the hots for.

 

 

I excused myself to the rear of my vehicle in order to obtain the jock strap

which he had requested.

 

Trent, do you really talk like this in person? If you do, then you've given ME the creeps!

 

 

When I opened the rear, he was at my side with his shoulder touching mine

and peering into the back of my SUV without any respect for my privacy.

At this point I was really beginning to get really worried.

I took a step back and asked him if there was a problem?

He stepped toward me and said "NO....do you have a problem?"

Sounds to me like Trent is one of those people who doesn't like his "space invaded". We've all met them. They're the same people who don't look you in the eye while they're talking to you.

 

 

He did return to his room and I got into my SUV and drove away as fast as I

could.

 

I can smell the burned rubber all the way here.

 

 

I know he understands exactly what happened because I received his voice

mail which he claimed he didn't mean to freak me out and scare me away. He

also said he wanted to reschedule something for later.

We don't know if he used the verb "freak", but if he did, has it occurred to you that maybe he felt that way because you were behaving like you WERE freaked out?

 

 

Considering all the trouble I went to in order to make a new client happy

 

PUH-LEEZ! You weren't there to make "a new client happy", you were there to make a BUCK! Gimme a fuckin' break! This is the sort of spin I hate - suddenly the guy is Mother Theresa.

 

 

I was just glad to get out of that situation in one piece.

 

Oh yeah, that was a reeeeeeeeeally dangerous parking lot encounter!

 

 

If I had stuck to my rules, this would not have happened so I guess I only have myself to blame.

 

Well, you're right on the blame part. If you had taken that stick out of your ass, you might have been a little more comfortable.

 

 

I have been on thousands of calls

 

Ok class, let's do the math. There are 365 days in a year (I'll ignore Leap Years). Using 2,000 as the goal number since he said "thousands", he would have had to, on average, turned one trick EVERY DAY for 5.479 YEARS. Could I please see a show of hands of those who believe he has accomplished this feat?

 

 

I apologize if his intentions were good but put in the same situation and I

would do the same thing again.

 

And again and again and again and again..........

 

 

This has been a good lesson for me and hopefully it will give people some

kind of idea of what escorts have to face at every new call.

 

Why did I suddenly get a vision of all the orphans singing "It's a Hard Knock Life"?

 

 

Now me let me tell you what I think really happened.......

 

NiceAndNaughty is, by his own admission, a closet-case. He doe

[Donnie]

>As per many of your requests,

 

Change that to "Out of sheer desperation for attention,"

[Guest alanm]

FFF:

 

Please direct us to YOUR published escorts reviews, so they we can deconstruct what you have written.

 

I will go first, my review name is Philly 2053 and I have posted reviews of Billy Brandt (LA), Danny (Philadelphia), Jonathan (also

Philadelphia) and Kristian (Houston). My review of Gabe (St. Louis)

was removed when he retired.

 

Now it is your turn.

[Guest Utopia]

What a waste of good bandwidth.

[Cooper]

FFF, I guess I wasn't on board when you posted those fabulous Gaiety reviews. They were a delight to read and the best I've ever seen. You made the show sound fun and that's what it's all about. I hope you won't wait another 15 years to post another. Thanks for the memories!

[Guest Ant415]

Thanks FFF.. i quite enjoyed the post.

[Guest HDTV267]

again. Right now. I want to see who made these requests. I really dont care about this ripping apart and just wish FFF would crawl back under his rock.BUT, if I and the others were to see these requests it would be ok

[Guest fukamarine]

>again. Right now. I want to see who made these requests. I

>really dont care about this ripping apart and just wish FFF

>would crawl back under his rock.

 

Why? - the man is funny - he has a talent that few possess. He could possibly be called a Bitchy Queen but who cares! Just sit back and enjoy!

 

fukamarine

[phage]

>again. Right now.

 

And when, pray tell, did anyone around here become accountable to you? Who are you to say what is and isn’t okay?

[BigD]

My personal favorite is the Trent Foster response.

I know some of it should disturb me, but while laughing hysterically,

it is hard to remember why.

[Donnie]

> the man is funny - he has a talent that few possess.

 

If that were true, he wouldn't waste his "talent" on an anonymous message board. His humor is very common, there's nothing original about it, and its sad that he actually took the time to research his own posts.

[pierrot]

Thank you FFF. This is all new to me since I just joined the list not long ago. You're a funny and talented writer.

--Pierrot

[best hotel]

FFF...thanks and please post more

[Guest JimEricNJ]

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