For Spida and others

[Boston Guy]

In the "keeping the closet closed" thread, Spida tells us that he is living a straight life in a neighborhood and a family and a group of friends that are all very gay-unfriendly. He says it's only been a couple of years since he's been identifying as gay to himself and he's thought about moving to another city, to find a gay-friendly neighborhood. He's even started a thread asking about gay-friendly cities.

 

Even though it was a long time ago now, I distinctly remember the feelings of lonliness and fear when I thought I was the only gay person out there and when telling my family or friends would have been a fate similar to death. The coming-out process, once it started, was pretty quick and far easier than I ever expected it to be (I was lucky and blessed with a good family and a good of friends). But the process leading up to the decision to come out was neither quick nor easy and it was full of anguish. I guess, in some ways, most of us have been there.

 

I found myself thinking about Spida and wondering what I would suggest to him if he was in front of me. It's hard to know, because I didn't grow up in a tough urban neighborhood and I don't have a conservative, religious family. I haven't walked in his shoes.

 

But there are some things that worked for me that I've suggested to others and that have seemed helpful to them. As I thought about that, I thought perhaps we could collectively try to collect a little coming-out wisdom.

 

The most important thing I can suggest is to make some gay friends. Not just one or two, but enough that you're not limited to only one or two people when you want to have fun. If you live in an urban area, there will be at least a few venues where you can meet gay guys. Gay bars are the obvious choice and they're a good place to start. But don't go to gay bars and allow yourself to be a wallflower. Force yourself to talk to people. If you do, and if you're friendly, sooner or later some of the people you talk to will become acquaintances and then some of them will become friends.

 

Tell people you meet that you're just coming out. Let them know that you're nervous. Most gay guys remember how hard it was to come out and are willing to lend a hand to someone walking through the process. But be fun and be interesting.

 

If the bars aren't your thing or if you want to try some other avenues as well, look for gay newspapers in your area. They'll have event listings -- concerts, lectures, meetings, etc. You may find that there are a number of gay organizations in your area, centered on sports or outdoor activities or bridge or whatever. Attend some of these events and talk to people and ask for their opinion.

 

Or volunteer. Most cities have AIDs action kinds of groups and volunteers are usually needed. By lending a hand, you'll be putting yourself in a position to not only do good but also meet other gay men.

 

If you're living in an area where these kinds of resources aren't available, try checking with a local university or college -- they may have some kind of gay group. Or try to get to some city as often as you can and try to build up a group of friends and acquaintances there.

 

You'll note that most of these suggestions are centered around meeting people. For my money, the most important thing a gay man can have is good gay friends. This doesn't in any way discount the value that straight friends and family or lesbians can bring to your life. But gay men bring something unique and it's important to be able to share similar life experiences with friends.

 

But I don't think I'd just move to a "gay-fiendly" city. I think I'd spend a little time there first, making sure it was someplace where I could meet people and make friends and be happy.

 

How about the rest of you who have come out, either as a young man or at an older age? What advice can you give to guys who are still in the closet or thinking about taking some first steps?

 

If you had problems with conservative friends or family, were you able to resolve those problems? And if you were married, how did you resolve that?

 

Thanks,

BG

[VaHawk]

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[Spida]

Hey Boston,

 

Just wanted to thank you for your "words of wisdom"...

 

Spida