Ending An Expensive Addiction

[Guest Wanderer]

On Tuesday evening I hired my last escort, at least for a while! I had a great time with him. (I will send a review in later). However I have done a lot of soul searching, and have come to the conclusion that I cannot afford to hire escorts for both financial as well as emotional reasons. So it is best that I stop and reorient myself to other interests in my life.

 

I have met a number of escorts over the years, some well-known and many who have never been reviewed on this site. Most were great to be with. A few were in it for the money and couldn’t wait to get out of the room. One was a real high-priced scoundrel, who charged me plenty and gave me nothing. When his name is mentioned on these boards, I will not add my recommendation to this jerk as he is not professional at all. (I will be kind and not mention his name).

 

Just a few suggestions to the guys for rent: 1) Please be clear about what the charges are. I have had a few change their rate at the last minute. 2) Make sure your cell phone is turned off. This has happened more than once to me, so I believe there ought to be a 15 minute penalty for a forced “break in the action”. It happened two weeks ago. 3) Be honest and up-front about what you do. Don’t read me the list of “do’s and don’t’s” after you have arrived. This is why I ask questions beforehand. 4) Keep your promises. Several guys have promised things that they never followed through on. This is very disappointing!

 

Finally, let me say, “Thanks” to many of the wonderful guys who have given me some great memories. Special Kudos to: Dave (Detroit), Gabriel (St. Louis), Brent (Philadelphia), and Trevor (Harrisburg).

 

Now to my question, since I must give up this expensive addiction, what are some ways to help me resist the temptation to call an escort? Although I have had some great times, I need to do this for myself. Your suggestions would be appreciated.

[Rod Hagen]

> I (I will be kind and not mention his

>name)

 

Oh come on, spill! }>

 

>

> Now to my question, since I must give up this expensive

>addiction, what are some ways to help me resist the

>temptation to call an escort?

 

Have you considered simply sticking with just one escort for awhile who is local or someplace you travel to frequently? Cold Turkey is rarely the solution.

[CT Dick]

> Now to my question, since I must give up this expensive

>addiction, what are some ways to help me resist the

>temptation to call an escort?

 

Build up a hot video / DVD collection or rent them from Atkol Videos ( http://atkol.com/default.asp ) or International Film & Video ( http://www.intvideo.com/index.htm ). This way you can help yourself. :-)

 

Dick

[Guest msagget]

I must say that your decision is something that I am thinking of doing. I've roughly been hiring escorts since 1994. My first escort was such a positive experience that I continued the relationship with him for 2 years, then realized that he was in it just for the money.(Ha....what a surprise). Not that I expected more but I thought that we were becoming friends but that was not the case. When he moved to the west coast, I began to hire other escorts. Some were ok, some were good but most were just plain losers. I think we have to have realistic expectation of escorts and I still haven't quite adjusted to that.

It is a very expensive hobby that, for me anyway, doesn't live up to what I feel it should. I would like to meet somebody who I could hire on a regular basis (?once a month) and know that I would be satisfied physically and emotionally (still being realistic that this is a client/escort relationship and nothing more).Now, when I contact an escort (usually by e-mail) I request the usual info: what do you charge, your hours of availability, what do you do and what don't you do...I then describe myself. If they reply, inevitably they don't answer most of my questions and will instruct me to call their cell phones when I'm ready. Of course, they don't answer the phone and you have to play phone tag. That scenario is so common that I've just about given up and lately have been hiring massage therapist who will provide release at the end. This has saved me considerable money, given me physical release and, while not the same as having a full service escort, is not as disappointing as an escort who doesn't deliver. Your list of things escorts should do is exactly my big complains with most of them.

Oh well, those escorts who will read this post will, for the most part, just ignore these recommendations OR feel that they are not guilty.

[Guest newawlens]

MS, my experiences with escorts are very similar to what you describe. The money is not an issue for me, but I have really cut back on hiring for the past year because I am tired of going to a lot of trouble to hook up with people who then often fail to live up to their advertising. I think one just has to be realistic and understand that escorts are like any other commercial product, meaning that the ad is often better than the product itself.

[Huey]

Wanderer I enjoyed reading your post. I feel that many of us clients can identify with various issues you bring to light.

 

It's interesting to see you use the word 'addiction" related to hiring escorts. We have all heard that most things are best in moderation and this is what I try to follow when it comes to escort hiring. Otherwise, I would be living in my car It's very tempting to bring these cute lads to my home for my own pleasure every night. To avoid such a situation, my escort hiring is done to compliment my sexual needs not to replace my need for long term relationship.

 

My suggestion to avoid escorts for a while is to find a substitution. As in any addiction, (drugs, eating) the only way to step aside is to have something to replace it that gives you satisfaction.

 

Keep us updated on how you're doing. I'm sure there are many here that will offer support .

-----------

WAR IS OVER

if you want it

GIVE PEACE A CHANCE

[Boston Guy]

Wanderer,

 

First, good luck. I mean that in the truest sense of the word, without any irony at all. It sounds like you're about to begin another journey and I hope the road in front of you turns out to be enjoyable.

 

As for your question:

 

1. If you don't belong to a gym, join one immediately. You don't say how old you are, what shape you're in, where you live, or any of that stuff. But join a gym, preferably a gay gym. If you're concerned about getting started, hire a personal trainer to work with you for a little while, even if it's just for a few weeks. Once you get into the gym routine, it will become second nature.

 

Why a gym, particularly a gay one? Easy: there's lots of eye-candy there, so it's fun and can help substitute for cute escorts; it takes some time (roughly 1 to 2 hours per day, at least three times per week, depending on how much tme you can give it), so it will occupy your time and your mind; it will help you get in shape, making you more attractive (and confident), if that's at all an issue; and you'll meet new friends there.

 

Which brings me to

 

2. Meet some new friends. Force yourself to go to a gay venue and meet some new friends. It could be a bar or a restaurant -- if they have a lounge -- or it might be a gay tennis group or a gay hiking club or almost anything. But put yourself into the position of meeting some new gay friends and then do it. Don't let yourself just be a wallflower. And don't meet just one, meet several. Talk to some guys you think are attractive.

 

Which brings me to

 

3. While you're at this gay gym and this gay venue, start sexualising some of the gay guys around you, including guys you wouldn't normally be attracted to. Don't just look at the hot young 20-somethings. Find a 40-year old or a 60-year old and find something -- anything -- sexy about them. Imagine being with them. Think of a way that you could have fun being with that person in a social situation that might become a sexual one. What you're trying to do is open your mind to sexual opportunities with guys who might not fit into the mold you've been used to hiring, which means ordinary-looking guys who might be fun, sexy and smart but look their age.

 

And then

 

4. Go on some dates. I don't have any idea how long it's been since you asked someone out on a date. But give it a try. If it's been a while for you, you might be nervous and you might be thinking that you're not attractive or you're too old or almost any of those self-critical things we all tend to fall prey to. Forget those things. Go on some dates. Concentrate on having fun with a new person, instead of just getting off with an escort. Instead of having a date with an escort, have a date with someone you're not paying. Of course, that will mean you'll have to be on your best behavior and will need to be charming and funny and fun. But those are good things and they lead us to

 

5. Examine your motives for hiring escorts. Why did you begin hiring escorts? Why did you continue to hire escorts. Once you've identified those things, ask yourself if there are other ways of meeting those needs without hiring escorts. Were you looking for company? Try some new friends. Were you looking for hot sex? Try dating. Were you looking for romance? Try dating. Were you thinking you were too fat to attract someone? Go to the gym and go on a diet. In other words, look at your own personal motives as objectively as possible and think of what an outsider would say to you. Hiring escorts is one way to meet some personal needs. It is by far not the only way to meet any given set of needs and probably isn't even optimum, except in perhaps some unusual sets of circumstances. Then,

 

6. Be kind to yourself. Look up some old friends, perhaps friends you haven't seen in years. Invite them to dinner. Spend time with family. Do things you like to do but just haven't done in a while. Be with other people, including the new friends you're meeting. If you like sailing or tennis, go sailing or play tennis. If you like cooking, take a cooking class. You'll find yourself in situations where you can meet even more new friends, friends who may be women or married or straight or much older or younger than you. That's ok. We can all make room for many different kinds of friends in our lives and they help to make the tapestry of our lives richer. And then, finally,

 

7. Be kind to others. Find some way to volunteer some time. Maybe it will be with a literacy project that helps immigrants or young children. Perhaps it will be with an AIDS clinic or a rape crisis center or a nursing home. But find some way to help others for a couple of hours each week. You will find that while you start out with the idea of helping others, the rewards that you will reap from this experience will enrich you greatly. And you'll meet other new people.

 

And, someplace along the way, one of these people you've met will think you're a pretty nice guy and will want to spend more time with you.

 

It's an interesting road. It's called life. I truly wish you a great journey.

 

BG

[Guest Slammy]

Wanderer,

 

Your choice of the word "addiction" was exactly what I am in with an escort I have been seeing for about five months. I was seeing him about twice a month and reached a "bottom" of my addiction with him.

The best advice I ever received was on this message board from a poster named Will who informed me about SLAA , (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). I now go to meetings and have met the most wonderful men who suffer from the same addictions. The groups offer fellowship and a spiritual resolve and hope to fill the longing.

 

I thought I could handle seeing an escort and thought it was a perfect solution for a surrogate lover. But alas, my emotions leaped into play and I had to see this poor man all the time, and if he wasn't available I would have terrible angst. It truly was an addiction......no matter what my head tells me about love. If it were about love, then the escort would not be escorting the other nights he wasn't with me......we would indeed be "lovers". Some guys can handle it. I thought seeing one escort exclusively was the answer.

 

And Boston Guy, thanks again for your posting. I wished you were my best friend. You are verbal chicken soup, and I appreciate your words.

[Guest dstud4hire]

Hey BG, may I just say, that is one of the nicest responses in a thread that I have actually read in this site. You actually took the time to list very relevant, useful ways in which one can productively deal with change in their life, as it applies to the gay community.

 

I particularly agree with #7 about volunteering. That is the number one turn on aside from mutual physical attractions, that I look for in a guy: the ability to give back to a community, (any community) through volunteer work. AND THE REWARDS ARE FRIGGIN UNBELIEVABLE!

 

But what I liked about your helpful response is the fact that you stressed all the positive things that he could do to further enhance his life, rather than validating negative stereotypes that others might propell about escorts, or validating other negativity that guys may write about that situation.

 

From your response one can also tell what a secure and emotionally healthy guy you are, that as well is great when that comes across!

 

Ok, enough of my gratuitous ramblings!!

[Guest dstud4hire]

>

 

>

> Finally, let me say, “Thanks” to many of the wonderful guys

>who have given me some great memories. Special Kudos to:

>Dave (Detroit), Gabriel (St. Louis), Brent (Philadelphia),

>and Trevor (Harrisburg).

>

>

 

hey there wanderer. First and formost, thx for placing me in such high esteem amongst such a group. Good luck in finding other avenues to pursue, and I am certainly honored that I could be a stopping ground (so to speak hehehe) in your journey. Take care!

[Guest dstud4hire]

>

>My suggestion to avoid escorts for a while is to find a

>substitution. As in any addiction, (drugs, eating) the only

>way to step aside is to have something to replace it that

>gives you satisfaction.

>

 

 

hey there, I felt compelled to make this my 3rd response within this thread.....though I may have only been an escort to wanderer, hence not knowing him personally that well, I would venture to guess that he didn't literally mean that he seriously had an addiction...but rather he was using more an informal way of saying that he wasn't receiving satisfaction the way he would have liked and/or would like a break from the expenditure. Now, I could be wrong, for if I thought he was not just using a way of speaking, I would have additionaly added 'try a 12 step' but I didn't suggest that, since I didn't take that aspect literally.

 

However, in case you meant your advice seriously, rather than to be flippant, having known plenty of people in recovery, the way to health is not to find a replacement that brings satisfaction, but rather, deal with the root causes that lead to that addiction. yes, it's more painful, but infinitely better for you.

 

So wanted to add that thought, just in case anyone looking for resources or advice would happen upon your thoughts on recovery from an addiction. It's always just best to clarify. Thx

[alanalt]

This is the second or third time that I've come across a post and thought to myself 'this is a great post and deserves a thoughtful response' and while I'm thinking it over, along comes Boston Guy who puts very eloquently into words everything that I've been thinking (and more)...

 

Nice post! :-)

 

Alan

[alanalt]

While I feel some sympathy for you guys, I really don't 'get it'. I mean for me the restriction on hiring escorts is totally financial-related.

 

Thanks to an inheritance, I've engaged the services of ten different escorts over the past eleven months and although one was to let me down in subsequent encounters, I can honestly say that I've had a blast with each of them. Now, I'll probably be hiring maybe 4-5 times a year. But if I had the financial resources that some of our fellow posters/reviewers seem to have, I'm sure I could put together a list with 20-30 names on it in very short order and have a great time with all of them!

 

Maybe (okay, likely :-) ) our taste in men is very different, but from my perspective, there are a lot of wonderful 'escort fish' swimming in the sea...

 

Alan (who looks at that last sentence and realizes its time to go back to bed...:-) )

[Will]

This whole thread, beginning with the initial post, is very impressive to me, for a lot of reasons. Although I don't think I need to moderate the portion of time and money that I spend with escorts, I do have to be very, very careful to remember that, whatever my conscious intentions may be, by nature I am generous, affectionate, and likely to forget that this is a commercial relationship.

 

Second, I am so happy to know that Slammy has found SLAA to be something that's helping him. We haven't heard from him about his situation for a while, and it's great to know he's doing well.

 

Finally, I want to join the others in thanking Boston Guy for his short course in How to Be a Happy Gay Man. I intend to print it out and post it on the side of my refrigerator. Maybe I'll even have it laminated in plastic so that I can keep before my eyes for the rest of my life!

 

What a treat this whole thread is. Just the kind of thing that keeps me coming back! Thanks to all.

[Bilbo]

First, another bravo for BG. Then, may I add, when I was busted and had to try to give up the escorting facet of my life for a while, I didn't want to go cold turkey. And I knew that I probably would want to polish that facet a bit in the future. If you do not want to go completely cold turkey, and can handle the temptations talking about the scene might bring you, and if you do think/feel that you might at some point in the future (3 - 5 years?) want to hire escorts again in a more moderate way (1 - 4 times a year is what a lot of my clients and myself do - well, actually I don't get around to it that often but I procrastinate on a lot of things), may I urge you to stay with these message boards. They were a help and a comfort to me.

[Guest JT]

BG, once again, you've done it! What a thoughtful and sensible post that is filled with sound practical advice!

 

And to wanderer, my best wishes to you.

 

JT

[BuckyXTC]

Boston Guy:

 

As always, I stand in awe of your insights and thoughtfulness. It means a lot to see someone take the time to really map out such a sensitive and sensible reply to someone who is struggling with their issues. Your advice is helpful to me as well. Thanks for being here and making this place worth coming back to.

[chrismac]

Bean Town Guy - what an excellent post. I really like the way you put things in a positive perspective. Very helpful advice, and not just for those struggling with decisions about whether or not to hire escorts.

 

To add my two cents: I have put into action several of the recommendations Boston Guy describes over the past 8 months or so, beginning with the gym, then on to the gay venues, meeting new friends, etc. The net effect has been the outcome as Boston describes; more confidence, new acquaintances, better use of my time. While I still hire escorts on occasion (a few old favorites), I'm also dating a couple of guys and feel very comfortable with the whole thing.

 

This weekend, for example, I'm in Portland, OR to handle some personal business. Since I used to live here, I took the chance to visit some gay clubs to see if I could stir up any trouble. Before heading up to Portland, however, I contacted Steven (Portland/San Francisco) to see if he might be available. He wasn't in Portland this weekend, so I went to the clubs with an eye to finding someone, or just having some fun. Friday night was a big goose egg, so I redoubled my efforts and contacted Bill and Alex from Portland. Both were very friendly and sweet, but also out of town. Then headed out to a club last night and ended up meeting the most gorgeous fantastic friendly sexy super hot guy in the world. It all culminated in him spending the night. He just left. My head is still spinning. I couldn't have had a better time.

 

So the moral to this story is: get to a place in life where hiring an escort is purely for fun - it's better for all involved that way. Feel in your mind that you can hire an escort, or if you want to put in the time, you might get the same or more satisfaction from meeting a new friend out on the town (for free). Either way - you win.

[Like2Hire]

Excuse me?! I thought this is a gay escort review site.:+

[Guest Slammy]

God works in strange ways......maybe even queer ways. I was happy to see a posting from Will to whom I am so grateful for leading me to SLAA, and to this site, which is filled with possibly the most intelligent postings on any site I have ever visited.

 

First of all, I think I should really be totally honest with you all and let you know the depth of addiction. I posted in late April or early May to seek advice on my hang up on an escort who was not returning my calls after I had been with him a couple of times. I really dug him. Then Will advised me of SLAA to which I ran. I attended a few meetings, and lo and behold the escort calls me. And then the fun began. I couldn't get enough of him. Between sessions, all I would do is think of when I could see him again. One day he called me in my car and asked where I was and why didn't I come over. I almost blew a very important business meeting to run over.

 

The trouble began when he left me a message with lots of innuendo, and for me to call him on certain days. I called on those days and he never called back.......A week went by, and still no return call.

Finally the "addict" took over and I called his pager frantically one day, many, many times, pleading for a return call or what had I done to be banished. It was totally demoralizing for me. It was as if a demon had taken possession of me and I had no control. (addiction)

I would have paid him one thousand dollars just for a call back.

 

When he called back, he was cold, indifferent and angry. He said he "did not want to see me for a while".....which means never. He probably thought if he said never, I would shoot him, because of my desperate messages.

 

So back to SLAA I sped, in my brand new Range Rover, panicked, and totally confused because I did not know who the needy addict that was me, was. I am well off, so money was never an issue with this escort. This was my first and only one. I am not unattractive and have had three very long term relationships, and am in one now. I would have bought out all his time, but I was afraid I would have to get involved with a lot of his personal baggage.

 

I was advised to never call him again and to tough out the withdrawl.

I am sober from drugs and alcohol on AA, but this addiction is a real killer because my head tells me how much I love him. In fact I recently received a large sum of money totally unexpected and I took a large chunk of cash and set it aside for my "escort". Just like an addict does for whatever the drug is. I told him this, but one of my SLAA people said he would probably call when he needs money, as he knows I have money. There is much good to him....and I loved giving him money when he needed it. I believe in "what blesses one blesses all.", and if I have the blessing, then I should share it with those who don't. I don't think this is buying friendship, but more like letting someone you care about know how much you care in a manner that they can really understand, especially in a world steeped in materialism.

 

I wanted to share this so maybe someone who is marginally addicted may be inspired as I was by Will. There is an old movie on video called "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex, But Was Afraid To Ask"......Woody Allen directed it, I think. Anyway, there is a scene where Gene Wilder gets obsessed with a sheep and falls in love and ends up on Skid Row drinking Woolite. Believe me, that is not such a bizarre scenario to me now. I have to pray daily I don't pick up the phone and call him, and the addict in me wants him to call me and start all over.

[Losgatan]

>I have to pray daily I don't

>pick up the phone and call him, and the addict in me wants

>him to call me and start all over.

 

Slammy,

 

Hang in there and leave that phone on its cradle.

 

I've been hiring escorts for nearly 30 years -- and more than once have found myself becoming addicted to a particular guy. It's hellish and self-destructive -- a place I never want to visit again.

 

About 3 years ago, I stumbled on a solution that, for me, works very well. I picked an escort who's older than my favorite type, fun to be with, skillful in bed, but **not** someone who I'd ever fall in love with (or who would tolerate/encourage addictive behavior on my part). We get together every other month for a pseudo-date that usually involves some travel and entertainment. Each of these sessions is planned out well in advance -- I never call him on the spur of the moment because I'm feeling lonely or horny.

 

To keep the sex interesting, we frequently hire a third guy for a 3-way.

 

Compared to some of my earlier experiences, this approach is truly satisfying, safe, sane and responsible. Perhaps it would work for you?

 

:+

[Guest Wanderer]

I was away for most of the weekend and was quite surprised to see all of the great responses. Thanks for your encouragement and support! I am a closeted GWM so some of the suggestions would just not suit me for now, but who knows what may happen in the future. I do not think I need a support group like SLAA at least right now, but will see what happens a few weeks down the line.

I admit that I had used escorts to combat some of the loneliness that I felt in my personal life. My problem is that I am so busy, with both my profession as well as voluteering for several great organizations that I ended up missing that personal interest in me. In other words, I often give too much until the well runs dry in my soul, and at that point I would need someone for some TLC. This is my challenge for now.

Boston Guy, what did you do -- look inside my heart? Your suggestions were truer and more right on than you will know. Thanks.

Finally, for a board that sometimes seems to slip into a really self-destructive mode (although a few escorts really deserve it), you have been wonderfully supportive and helpful. Thanks.

[catnip]

Boston Guy, you're quite a guy!

That was a beautiful, life-affirming post. It certainly added some glow to my day.

 

Thanks!

[Will]

What a life-affirming and life-enhancing story. I am very, very happy for you, Slammy, and want to shout from the rooftops how great it is to read about your recovery. Like an alcoholic who isn't quite sure that he's an alcoholic, you had a little "slip" early on and discovered that things were just as bad as you thought they might be. In fact, they were worse because a couple of meetings in SLAA had ruined the glamor of intriguing and had begun to pull away the veils of self-deception behind which our real addictions hide.

 

I hope you'll forgive me for observing, however, that setting a sum of unexpected money aside for this escort as a sign of how much you care for him is like a recovering alcoholic's putting a bottle of champagne on ice just in case. In case of what? Why would you give this man money? If you really care for him, do you think it's a good thing to underwrite his own dependence on you? And what is he supposed to do with the information of how much you care for him? Is he supposed to change? Is he supposed to wake up, and say, "Gee, I really love Slammy and I want to spend the rest of my life with him"? And what about your partner? Where does he fit into this fantasy of buying love?

 

If it does, truly, give you joy to share what you have with people who don't, why don't you give the money away in the spirit of the Program, that is, anonymously? Why not be an anonymous donor and give it to an organization whose beneficiaries you can't possibly know individually. The easier that is for you to do, I think, the more honest you're being when you say that you expect nothing in return for your money.

 

Quietly drawing interest, that money right now is a time-bomb waiting to go off. Have you told your SLAA sponsor about it?

 

Recovery from this -- as from anything -- takes time. You've made such a terrific beginning. Try to avoid laying landmines for yourself to step on further down the road. I'm very happy for you!

[Guest mplsmn]

>Finally, I want to join the others in thanking Boston Guy

>for his short course in How to Be a Happy Gay Man. I intend

>to print it out and post it on the side of my refrigerator.

>Maybe I'll even have it laminated in plastic so that I can

>keep before my eyes for the rest of my life!

>

Bravo! Boston Guy has put it so well for so many of us who, in one way or another I suspect, might be dealing with the issues raised here in varying degrees. Those who are included in Boston Guy's circle of friends are most fortunate to have ongoing access to his wisdom, clarity and sensitivity.