Short Erotic [True] Story.

[Rapaz]

As I get older I always try to remember what it was like to be new at discovering sex. The nuances and the perplex natural circumstance of how the mind wonders on the true mathematics of adolescent sexuality. For me, it was always brutal because of how often I had to hear the citations about what being a homosexual can be.

 

As a teenager I started to see more and think less about sexuality. At heart, I started to wonder why I had such an androgynous sexuality and a masculine thought process toward life, girls and chivalry... I was confused until I saw an erection of another male for the first time in my life.

 

After gym all the time I got teased, sometimes with a more serious and cruel undertone than others, by how often I used to stare at other boys getting undressed, and I used to blame it on my daydreams and wondering mind.

 

At the end of senior year (2004! ) at our senior lock-in the night after graduation, is where all bars before were held, were dropped. This boy I used to absolutely undress with my clothes decided to leave the school pool with me before the water games started so we could partner up and see the hypnotist showing in the school auditorium.

 

It happened so fast I could hardly savor the moment. We were back by the senior lockers kind've tucked away back in the male dress room. He was naked, before I was, talking about the contemplation of leaving the lock-in with his girlfriend because he was 'so horny'. Before I could even circumvent the topic of sex due to the timidness/fear of my own wants, I noticed that he was so erect that he looked like was in pain. He saw the urgency in my face before I could recoil and pull from my deck of blank expressions that I'd built over the years and knew it was true, knew what all the boys joked, made fun of and often gossiped about was true. And he let me have it. In less than a minute I had wrapped my entire mouth around his hard dick and I spit out and swallowed a little what came, with much resistance and slight disgust at the taste of sperm.

 

What happened after wasn't even a fraction of a sentence. He left, washed off and never said another word to me again.

 

 

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This is a true experience. What I am trying to do is see how well I can put my stories into written word, see how people think my writing style is and take it from there.

[Lewis H]

Rapaz, is English your native language? If you are looking for critiques on your writing style, your initial piece here could be improved on many levels, and I don't want to sound particularly harsh with the first response, but the syntax makes me wonder if you speak more than one language.

[Rapaz]

Spanish is my first language. Remember, you're not reading the work of a first rate novelist here, I'm a new college student wanting to get into creative writing.

[Lewis H]

Aha! I knew I detected a non-native speaker's voice! It's not bad, but there are a lot of grammatical changes you could make to be clearer, because it almost sounds like the syntax of someone thinking in another lnguage and translating it to English.

[kevininsa]

The word that comes to my mind is "jerky"... as in jerky movement of the story. Perhaps a little more "painting the picture". Either elaborate a little more on what happened and the feelings, or just smooth out the movement of the story. I'm a little tired so I hope I'm conveying my thoughts well enough.

[jgoo]

I like the plot so to speak and would love to see that in a good porno vid. I agree that it needs more "painting the picture" as kevininsa says. I particularly like it when time is spent building up sexual tension with details of how things progress, increasing anticipating and not rushing past the "seduction" part of the encounter. Then depending on how erotic you want it to be, more detail of the actual sexual acts is always good too. Keeping the reader guessing as to whether it will happen or what will happen is always a good thing too.

[Diverdan]

For what it is worth, I think the posts above have given you some very good suggestions. There needs to be "more flesh on the bones" as my college English Composition teacher would say. It needs more build up, more detail, such as a description of you, of the guy you sucked, etc. build it up and keep us projecting our fantasies on the scene with your descriptions. Good luck on your creative writing. Maybe you can find a sympathetic teacher, grad assistant, mentor who is gay and is into creative writing to help you out. (no pun intended)

 

There are also a number of gay porno sites on the web that feature stories that might help you, as well as some books of gay fiction. If you send me a pm and let me know where you live, I may be able to provide some additional help.

DD

[Rapaz]

Well, for what it's worth, I didn't want a build up in the story. I just wanted it to pretty much stab at the objectivity new sex. Thanks for reading my story and giving feed back though, I really appreciate it!