fetish - as a lifestyle or hobby, how it fits into my life

[marxbro]

so i had a very interesting conversation with a dom the other day. i wanted to post it on here as food for thought and maybe get your folks' perspective.

 

here is a little background. i am currently in a relationship which has been going very well but pretty vanilla. i've been increasingly interested in fetish/kink porn and my partner knows this. i get a reading from him that he is not nearly as interested in it as i am. this led me to investigate finding a safe/discrete outlet for my fantasies (see my post in this forum about young kinky jock type escorts). i've always considered it more of a curiosity than a lifestyle choice i wanted to make. for example, i've been wanting to be tied up/restrained, teased, maybe dealt some pain, and used for a dom top's pleasure... but i'm not sure how that would fit in with my relationship with my partner. my reasoning is, if i hired for this or had a fetish buddy, it was something i could either experience and move on, or at least keep separate or put away in my daily life.

 

so anyways, i wanted to find out a little more about the community. i posted discreet ads on adam4adam.com and recon.com, and eventually exchanged messages with a young very attractive dom guy who had experience and gear.

 

he agreed to meet and talk, which sounds like absolutely the best thing to do first.

 

he is certainly what i called a 'lifer', that is he's always had fantasies about tying up and dominating men. he came out of the gay closet, and then later came out of the inner kink closet. he's dominated straight men, he likes to 'break down' men to the point that they'll do anything he tells them, he has a growing collection of bondage and s&m gear. we had a long discussion, which turned out to be half therapy and half interview. i feel like he should send me a bill at this point, and after meeting him i respect his opinion.

 

it came up that my interest in kink is pretty mild compared to his, so he decided i was not a good fit for him. he suggested i seriously consider bringing up my fantasies with my partner, and said the best thing was probably to ask my partner to do something mild /to/ me to make the first attempt "easier" for him. for example, i should ask my partner next time to tie me up a bit next time we have sex. it sounds like a good way to introduce a kinky element into our sex.

 

he asked several questions that made me think pretty hard about it all. along the lines of:

• was this something i thought about constantly?
  
• why didn't i approach my partner first
  
• was i also seeking regular/vanilla sex outside my relationship?
  

 

it is something i have been thinking about more lately. and i am not looking for vanilla sex elsewhere.. i have just been looking for kink/fetish play. i've come across several guys that, in other circumstances, i would totally *do* but that seems wrong for me.

 

after we parted ways, i will admit that i was a bit disappointed, feeling a bit rejected. this dom that i met was much much hotter in person than his pics. and hearing him talk about some things he's done made me very turned on and wanting him even more. but he seemed very wise for his age, a good head on his shoulders and a very nice guy outside the bedroom.

 

one of the most interesting things this guy told me was his theory on why so few young men are 'into' kink. if you look on recon, maybe 80% of the men are between the ages of 40 and 60. he postulated that as we get older our inhibitions, shame, and vanity decrease. he thinks that kinky nature in one's life is always present the entire time. it just bubbles up more as those things fade, letting it become more apparent and actionable. guys are more willing to let their kinky side show.

 

anyways.. i decided to cool my jets for a few days and let this all settle in my mind. i thought i would share it with you all on here. this is not that escort related and i apologize for that if it's not appropriate conversation for the forum.. but i think there is enough wisdom, experience, and frankness on here that i wanted to post it and get your reaction on it.

[Businessguy]

Very Interesting

 

You explained that very well. I think this is a perfect place to discuss this. I remember your other string about looking for your perfect young jock Dom. Sounds like you found your type who also seems to be experienced and way beyond his years in understanding the whole scene and dynamics.

I agree that with age comes an increased desire for something new and different. Couple that with more confidence and fewer inhibitions and you easily come up with that 40 to 60 demographic who enjoys kinkier play.

Maybe your young Dom was not completely disinterested in you but was testing you to see how badly you want him. From your discription, it sounds as though he likes to "break guys down" to do "whatever he wants". That says to me that he has a fairly big ego that gets turned on by having power over guys who "surrender" to him. Maybe you need to stroke his ego a bit more and present an eager subject willing to learn. Don't stalk him, just let him know you're interested in learning what he enjoys teaching. He sounds like a reasonable guy if he was willing to meet you and invest his time rather than just blow you off immediately after meeting if you were not his physical type.

A word of caution though. Since he is not an escort and not reviewed, he is more risky. Be careful about being totally vulnerable and helpless around him. Maybe meet the first time in a hotel rather than his house so there are other people around who can rescue you if necessary - as embarrassing as that might be. Be sure he thinks that others know where you are and when you are expected back - even if that's not completely true. And make sure you have that "safe" signal and that he agrees to abide by it. Gagging you should be off limits so you can make noise if needed. If you have a successful first encounter and there is a healthly level of trust, you can go from there.

What do thers think? Am I encouraging Maxrbro to follow his cock into danger rather than follow his head to safety?

[marxbro]

i'm not sure he would be up for it. as i was explaining my situation to him, it did not make sense to him. he couldn't understand why i didn't just approach my partner about my fantasies/desires. he'd also not been in a relationship before, so i tried to explain things as best i could. i sent him a friendly email later hinting that i was even more attracted to him following our meeting, but got a fairly cold reply back.

[Businessguy]

You tried!

 

Since your young Dom is not an escort, he may be looking for that long-term on-going regular relationship with a sub for himself. Because of your exisitng relationship, you are "emotionally unavailable" to him. Since he mentioned topping "straight" guys too, he's probably already experienced the "unavailable" guys and doesn't want to repeat. Contrary to beliefs, even Doms can get a broken heart. I guess you'll just have to move on.

I understand what he doesn't about exploring these fantasies with your partner. Exposing these kinky desires to your partner carries "acceptance" risk. However, I would suggest that you try to slowly develop some interest in the subject with your partner first. If that goes no where and you still want to explore these fetish feelings, then stick with an escort. You certainly don't want a Dom to stalk & pursue you and interfere with your relationship. An escort is less threatening because they will honor your request to be descrete and you know going in that they are "emotionally unavailable" to you long-term. The experienced fetish escort is less complicated and risky and can be one hell of a lot of fun and very satisfying in the mean time.

[whipped guy]

Nothing is ever easy and straightforward

 

Marxbro… I have a feeling that there are many guys in your shoes… guys that need the extra bit of kink… Hopefully they will be willing and able to shed some light on this for you and how it all fits into their relationships. Perhaps you need to make it clear to your partner that what he might think is something bad is really something good… at least good for you and as such is something that would only add something positive to the relationship… Still, quite probably if you are not born with the kink gene it might be a difficult concept to accept... (more below about that…)

 

The most that I can add would be what I think I suggested in another thread. Is there some sort of bondage/S&M/kink club in your area? If so perhaps you and your significant other might make it a night out to merely observe and get a feel for the scene. I did see such a couple at the NYBC a while back. They were simply getting a sense for what the possibilities were. In addition, and probably analogous to your situation, one of the guys in particular seemed to be a bit shy about the whole experiment. Actually both were not really ready to get too involved, but one seemed a bit more hesitant than the other… Interestingly, both were probably your type… a couple of hot young jocks. The three of us left at the same time and I think they were a bit confused and bewildered. They did mention that they were going to return and check things out a bit further. So, if this situation is even remotely similar to your particular situation, then you are surely not alone.

 

Well, for me all of this nonsense is a hobby. My particular situation prevents me from making it a lifestyle… and I am not even sure if I would want it to be a total life style. Now as for when I started thinking about all of these types of activities… ever since I very young I always had fantasies of being worked over by huge and powerful guys… so yes… if I had joined this forum back then my moniker would have been “whipped kid”. I can still vividly remember torture scenes in movies… and how I wanted to be the guy on the receiving end! Now I almost drew the line at Marathon Man… but then again turning the torture of a dental visit into something positive has been a plus factor in my life. Oh, and did I mention I never wanted to take “Novocain” as a kid either? At any rate, the “40-60 thing” for making it all happen is probably right on target… I guess we all need to doitb4wego sooner or later!

 

Now as far as your relationship with this dom guy… Businessguy has given you good advice. Shoot! I remember the first time I scheduled something… of course the big difference was that it was with a highly respected and well-reviewed escort…Still, I got cold feet and canceled a couple of days before with the excuse that my business schedule had changed at the last moment. Then after doing so I got this empty feeling deep within my inner soul as I felt the need to experience S&M at the hands of a consummate professional… So, knowing where the guy was located, I visited his neighborhood and checked out his building… I saw that it looked like a safe area and then called and rescheduled saying that I was able to make things work… Actually, this was the first time we had actually spoken as all the previous correspondence had been via email. I somehow could sense a good guy on the other end of the line… and fortunately I was right… I really should have had some backup watching out for me, but happily all worked out perfectly.

 

So, it's all about trust and respect… I trusted him and he respected me. That’s the key to a successful foundation for all of this madness.

 

I wish I could be of more help… but hopefully something someone contributes here will somehow make a difference. Plus, you are certainly doing the right thing by giving yourself a cooling-off period.

 

Life is certainly an adventure...