BDSM Primer -

[Businessguy]

Humor & Communication

 

Great stories Whipped Guy! Who says that BDSM has no humor in it? I'm often laughing my head off over something during a fun BDSM scene.

I also want to add that in any bondage scene, it is the responsibility of the Dom to plan ahead and know how to release the sub quickly for any reason. It's just common sense and a sign of experience.

Saying that, it is also a misconception that a sub cannot ask a Dom to adjust something that is annoying the sub. The stereotype is that the sub has to "suffer" through just about anything that the Dom choses to do. That may very well be the scene that is being played out based on consent between the parties. However, most of the time, I think the communication is more relaxed and informal as the Dom is trying to find some mutual hot buttons. The verbal communication flows easily even within the context of addressing the Dom as "Sir" or the like.

Sometimes, when I've been placed in good tight restrictive bondage, there is something that is poking or pinching, or too tight in an annoying way. I become so mentally focused on that annoyance that I can't release myself into the pleasure of the rest of the scene. It's like the slow drip of water on the forehead that is meant to drive someone crazy. The Dom is usually unaware of the annoyance. In these cases, I've asked for an adjustment and the Dom has been happy to comply. The annoyance goes away and the scene becomes a fantastic experience. So, don't be afraid to "respectfully ask" for an adjustment. Good communication is the key. It's still is all about pleasure even when it's supposed to hurt.

[whipped guy]

The fun of it all!

 

Who says that BDSM has no humor in it? I'm often laughing my head off over something during a fun BDSM scene… it is also a misconception that a sub cannot ask a Dom to adjust something that is annoying the sub. The verbal communication flows easily even within the context of addressing the Dom as "Sir" or the like… The Dom is usually unaware of the annoyance. In these cases, I've asked for an adjustment and the Dom has been happy to comply. The annoyance goes away and the scene becomes a fantastic experience. So, don't be afraid to "respectfully ask" for an adjustment. Good communication is the key. It's still is all about pleasure even when it's supposed to hurt.

As usual Businessguy knows his business!

 

Well there is humor in everything… and yes, even in BDSM. Actually when there can be a bit of humor involved that means that there is a nice give and take between the parties, a nice repartee that usually signals a meeting of the minds.

 

In fact, I can recall some really downright funny episodes… like the time I tickled a guys cock with my facial hair and he began giggling like a child saying that he didn’t like the ticklish feeling… of course this was shortly after he had poured hot wax on mine… Kind of ironic I would say!

 

Also, most recently when a popular escort (and he shall be nameless as he has quite a few hot pictures on Rentboy decked out in his BDSM gear) could not figure out how to put on his newly acquired leather harness. It kind of spoiled his entry, but he really needed help, and that included using a pen to mark the front and the back so he would be able to get it on properly the next time around… At any rate, he had gotten himself literally tangled up in the damned thing with chains rattling all over the place… If fact he looked like he was being strangulated by a leather pretzel! Of course it was funny to hear him try and stay in character by saying such things as, “Help me put this on boy.”, “Do you have a pen boy?”, “Undo that buckle boy.”, “Turn this around, boy!” etc. ...and we both were really trying to play it straight, but finally we just both cracked up laughing as we tried to make sense out of the silly thing.

 

Of course, as alluded to above, trying to stay “in character” can be a two way street and goes hand in hand with the bottom not being afraid to express a change in the direction of the scene or needing to have a restraint loosened, etc. For example, the following might be a possible sequence, “Permission, to have the nipple clamps removed, sir!” Top responds, “Well OK, I’ll go easy on you this time boy, but I will make you pay…’’ Bottom replies, “Thank you, sir… you are too kind, sir.” Top retorts, “Well you’re gonna pay right now. Get on your knees, boy!”

 

Of course, if something needs to be removed it doesn’t “hurt” to just say so and get on with it, but at times it can be “fun” and try to not break the mood of the scene.

 

In any case, I know I am enjoying myself when I have a broad smile on my face and at times a bit of humor along with the pain helps to maintain that proverbial S&M happy-face grin… or is it really an agonizing grimace in disguise!!!???

[doitb4ugo]

Set UP

 

So far my thoughts on what I'm interested in are very vague...I don't have a lot of imagination for this yet. I'm in the process of trying to discover what kinds of things turn me on.

 

I think to start I need a mix of some bondage/discipline mixed with some sweetness and comfort....I am willing to try many different things in a more controlled session...I don't think this is something that is easy to find....The BDSM world seems rather intense and not well intergrated into other less extreme scenes....Hard to know when you only have porn to go on for your frame of reference.

 

I want to thank every poster for their time and effort to provide a meaningful view of this discussion. You have all been terrific.

 

My next question revolves around setting up a session with an escort to start down this road.

How do you arrange for what you want to experience?

Do you provide a menu?

How many items should be requested for a session?

Is all this done when you first meet or pre-meeting?

If I keep it simple (i.e., WS, some restraints/rope, a little flogging, some more agressive sex mixed with some tender, maybe some toys) will this provide a starting point to frame a session? I don't need a script, do I?

In attempting to find my "inner slut" and let him out, I'm hoping that someone pushing me to some edgy activites will give me some freedm to be something I'm not easily capable of being in a "normal" scene. Am I being realistic in how I;m viewing this?

 

Thanks again for your kind, generous help/advice,

[Guest Spanky]

The BDSM world seems rather intense and not well intergrated into other less extreme scenes....Hard to know when you only have porn to go on for your frame of reference.

 

I'll preface this by saying that I've never hired for BDSM play. But my guess is that if you're arranging a scene with an escort, this should not be a major concern. My sense is that most reputable and well-reviewed fetish escorts are very knowledgeable and experienced when it comes to working with newbies. If you tell him you want to go slowly and learn the ropes (pun intended) then he'll be very accommodating. Escorts make their living by knowing how to give the client what he wants. And if your escort doesn't seem like he is willing to go at your pace, then you should move to the next guy on your list (and that holds true for ANY type of play with an escort). Even in the non-escort world, there are a lot of doms that like to "break in" the new guy and you'll regularly see profiles on places like Recon that say something to that effect.

 

My next question revolves around setting up a session with an escort to start down this road. How do you arrange for what you want to experience? Do you provide a menu? How many items should be requested for a session? Is all this done when you first meet or pre-meeting? If I keep it simple (i.e., WS, some restraints/rope, a little flogging, some more agressive sex mixed with some tender, maybe some toys) will this provide a starting point to frame a session? I don't need a script, do I?

 

water sports, restraints, rope, aggressive sex, toys....hmmm...someone is not talking like a newbie...Like any sort of sex, BDSM is best when it just flows naturally. Have a candid conversation with the guy you want to hire and tell him what you want to explore. If he is experienced with BDSM and fetish play, then he should know how to work the scene in a way that will be natural and pleasing (and of course a little painful ) to you. You neither need nor want a script, but you should tell him the types of things you want to explore and also the things that are off limits. And while a good dom (you are looking at this from a btm's perspective, yes?) will have the ability to read your verbal and non-verbal clues, it's good to have a safe word, especially if you are with the guy for the first time, as he may not be entirely clued into to your responses. "Yellow" meaning don't stop but slow down because I need to regroup and "Red" meaning STOP RIGHT NOW, are almost universally known. If you use a silly word (e.g., Tallahassee, mother-in-law) then you'll end up laughing when you use it and break the mood.

 

My two cents. Hopefully some escorts will respond here to give you their perspective (what would we do without Raul?). And I believe that Whipped, Businessguy, and UWSMAN hire for BDSM play (based on their prior responses to this thread), so definitely listen to their advice. It'll be better than mine no doubt.

 

You know Doit, I really envy you. It's so much fun as you start to explore the various types of fetish play and figure out what you like, what you hate, and what you don't like but really want!

[whipped guy]

My sense is that most reputable and well-reviewed fetish escorts are very knowledgeable and experienced when it comes to working with newbies.

Of course the operative words in that sentence are well-reviewed, very knowledgeable, and experienced. To that list I would add sane and sober. That’s what you want and that’s what you need not only at this point in time… but any point in time!

 

Any sort of sex, BDSM is best when it just flows naturally. Have a candid conversation with the guy you want to hire and tell him what you want to explore. If he is experienced with BDSM and fetish play, then he should know how to work the scene in a way that will be natural and pleasing (and of course a little painful ) to you. You neither need nor want a script, but you should tell him the types of things you want to explore and also the things that are off limits.

 

If I told you how many times I have written “scripts” and how it never comes to fruition as planned… and that’s because Spanky is absolutely correct. Things always work best when things flow naturally. As a script writer you can’t totally get into the head of the other guy… Sure, even if you know him based on many outings together, you can’t possibly know the mindset he will have at the time of your meeting. For that matter, it is impossible to know what your own particular frame of mind will be at that precise point in time. All we have to work with are out past experiences, and our present mood, but nobody and I do mean nobody can precisely predict the future… Tomorrow is always a surprise… but make it a surprise within an organized, well thought-out, sane, and sensible framework. So get some thoughts and ideas together and build that framework, but have it be only a outline within which to work, experiment, and test the waters. Since, I often bring my own toys I lay them out in an organized fashion based on my mood at the time and let the dom pick and choose for starters. If I don’t feel like doing electro or using a weighted parachute I won’t make it part of the armamentarium of the day. If you are seeing a guy and using his toys then a brief conversation is definitely de rigueur… and actually unless you are really experienced a brief conversation is always a good thing so that both of you are always on the same page.

 

…while a good dom… will have the ability to read your verbal and non-verbal clues, it's good to have a safe word, especially if you are with the guy for the first time, as he may not be entirely clued into to your responses. "Yellow" meaning don't stop but slow down because I need to regroup and "Red" meaning STOP RIGHT NOW, are almost universally known. If you use a silly word (e.g., Tallahassee, mother-in-law) then you'll end up laughing when you use it and break the mood.

Yes, I like the yellow and red codification. However, at my present stage I use a slightly different system. My yellow safe-word is Uncle… based on the phrase “crying uncle”. My ultimate “no mas” safe word is “Uncle Vito”. If I use that the guy knows he is in trouble… big trouble. Because, if I call Uncle Vito the guy is destined to become part of a bridge abutment on the Lower East Side of Manhattan… Yes, the family is into cement… among other things. Nonetheless, all kidding aside… and to you escorts out there (and at least a couple of you guys know who you are:D) I am just kidding… or am I?? So watch out!

 

Still, the use of a safe word is the bottom’s best friend… period! So, if the dom ignores your safe-word… bolt out of there as fast as you can. That’s why you need a guy with experience, a guy who is trustworthy, a guy who has a brain… Did I say it also helps if the guy is sane and sober???

 

Hopefully some escorts will respond here to give you their perspective (what would we do without Raul?).

Yes, Raul! Others as well… please chime in! We want t hear from the other side of the equation!

 

You know Doit, I really envy you. It's so much fun as you start to explore the various types of fetish play and figure out what you like, what you hate, and what you don't like but really want!

Yes, doit is in the “child’s first visit to the candy store” phase… and I envy him as well. Think about all he will be experiencing… and it will be quite the adventure… his first flogging, his first electro… and will it be via TENS, EMS, or violet wand… his first experience with hot wax… well you know all the things from “the list” … It is going to be one hell (and there is a pun in there somewhere) of an adventure. I wish I could be a fly on the wall… it reminds me of how I wanted to try almost everything at least once when I got involved with all this craziness. Hopefully, you will hook up with a guy who will be ale to nudge you in the right direction… I had so many wonderful sessions with the now retired Reece Rothmeier… and he had an uncanny ability of knowing what you wanted and ultimately needed even before you knew you needed to go there. He was a genius and is dearly missed… but as I said we are never assured of anything in our future, but hopefully doit’s future will be filled with much fun and enjoyment as he explores his BDSM destiny!

[doitb4ugo]

Toys & other acutrements

 

Whipped...Wisdom as usual. You mentioned laying out your toys etc....Can you give us an idea of what type of toys exist in this activity and maybe some idea of what they do/affect they have...No idea what a "weighted Parachute" might be....I'm sure it has little to do with jumping from a plane (i hope).:eek:

[whipped guy]

Check out the Hot Pictures

 

Whipped...Wisdom as usual. You mentioned laying out your toys etc....Can you give us an idea of what type of toys exist in this activity and maybe some idea of what they do/affect they have...No idea what a "weighted Parachute" might be....I'm sure it has little to do with jumping from a plane (i hope).:eek:

Well... that would take a book... and I and a few others have already written a book which perhaps we could compile and publish as "Studies in BDSM... the Fun and Fantasies"

 

At any rate, a picture is worth a thousand words so I will refer you to the following website:

 

www.mr-s-leather.com

 

"Mr. S" based in San Francisco has it all... and then some. It is the most comprehensive place to view and study all that is available... pages and pages of toys beyond belief... and all categorized for easy viewing. So enjoy and learn. Their prices are somewhat steep, but the quality is high. I recommend searching out any interesting items at you local sex emporium if you see any accouterments that strike your fancy... At any rate the pics are red hot!

 

As for the parachute... no you don't have to jump out of a plane... the parachute thing is part of BDSM 101... but add the weights and well... you might just want to jump out of the plane instead!

 

If you have any questions or are scared by certain items... and that would be normal... just fire away!

[Businessguy]

Toys - good place to start

 

Whipped Guys suggestion to visit the Mr S web site is a good one. Besides showing just about every twisted and wicked toy ever invented, the photos and models are hot and inspiring!!!

I also liked Whipped Guy's suggestion to lay out some toys as a way of suggesting activities that you would like a Dom to try. You can vary what you lay out to match your mood. Also, many escorts won't show up to an appointment with a bag of toys, especially for a first meeting, so having some of your own always helps. And using your own toys is the most healthy and safe way to go.

The other side of the coin is that when I've hired an experienced escort Dom who has a playroom or has brought a good assortment of toys and leather gear, the process of going through the toys and gear prior to beginning the play has been both stimulating and a turn on for both. It is also a very good ice breaker, and can give the Dom some direction without using a sterile list, and promotes a dfiscussion of turn-ons and limits right there on the spot.

One Dom who I recently reviewed, paid a lot of attention to what I showed interest in as he gave me a tour of his playroom. Those items he remembered and worked into our play time. The items I quickly passed by stayed on the shelf. Another escort Dom who was traveling brought a few toys with him. He laid them out on a table and told me to pick what I liked. He tossed aside the first two items I selected because he said they were "safe" choices and made me pick more that interested me but possibly ones I was too shy about or scared of to pick first. That's where he was using his his experienceto push me to add some excitement and edge to our session. It made me nervous and excited at the same time. He then expanded on those themes, all within my limits, and provided me a adventerous and new experience. It was very hot and I leanred a few new things about myself besides.

I think using toys and leather gear is a good way to commuicate desires and direction without using a script or making a list that may take away from the adventure of the experience.

[whipped guy]

You can keep it simple...

 

...he was using his his experience to push me to add some excitement and edge to our session. It made me nervous and excited at the same time. He then expanded on those themes, all within my limits, and provided me a adventurous and new experience. It was very hot and I learned a few new things about myself besides.

Businessguy... Yes! That's what it is all about... the excitement!

 

As for doit... now that you have been overwhelmed by the Mr. S website…

 

I might add that it is possible to do BDSM on a shoestring…and literally on a shoestring. Think of items that you might have hanging around the house… like shoelaces, which can be used to tie up ones balls as a substitute for a cock and ball separator. Clothespins are the other obvious article for use in tit torture as well as cock and ball torture. Lace a bunch of clothespins on a string, attach them to various body parts, and then pull like hell to remove them… Yes, as seen many times in those Boundgods videos… Also consider the lowly ping pong paddle.

 

Now, I don't want you to play with fire, but a few birthday candles... some hot wax... well... just remember the farther the wax drops the longer it has to cool off... and that is usually a good thing... but wax makes a mess and ruins clothing so forget I even mentioned it... Only for a well protected playroom... and perhaps you should tread lightly with those clothespins on a string as well... In fact it would be best to consult an expert... but if you want to "try before you buy'' it is indeed possible to do so on a very simplistic level.

 

Interestingly, the escort who was my S&M mentor and owned virtually all the important toys seen on the Mr. S website, started shopping in Sports Authority, hardware stores, and even in culinary shops to get new ideas.

 

Now I just want you to feel that sense of excitement that Businessguy referenced above... and usually I would say don’t try this at home, but some of these things you can indeed try in the privacy of your own home... Well, just wait for the roommate, wife, kids, significant other... or whomever to leave... and make sure that there are no nosy neighbors lurking around the place as well... but heck if you want to get the feel of clothes pins putting pressure on your nips... just give it a try... and see if you like it… and hopefully you will enjoy!

[Guest Spanky]

Diy bdsm

 

Interestingly, the escort who was my S&M mentor and owned virtually all the important toys seen on the Mr. S website, started shopping in Sports Authority, hardware stores, and even in culinary shops to get new ideas.

 

 

They don't call it Homo Depot for nothing...

 

http://www.diybdsm.com/w/

 

Personally, I think black is better for the dungeon than hot pink, but to each his own. The "ice lock" is an interesting concept. Will have to try that one out.

 

I've purchased some equipment on stockroom.com as well as Mr. S. The quality probably is not as good, but the prices tend to be quite a bit better.

[doitb4ugo]

I know why they are called toys

 

Thanks guys for the tour of toys. Each site had a lot to offer. I think most of the toys were less frightening on the stockroom.com site. Nice pics and some vids....the Japanese Clover Clamps look very enjoyable....

 

Also thanks for your advice to try some stuff on my own. I have a good number of things in my household which I could make use of....already have used shoestrings a number of times....very hot and a number of belts are available. I also have some nice traffic cones I could practice sitting on ().

 

So far we've had great postings on activities, advice on making it happen and some great sites to look at toys, not to mention the BDSM checklist. After some more research, I think I am ready to make it real.....how to find a guy who won't abuse me in the process. Are there a set of known entities that would provide a good starting point. The advice so far has been on the side of be careful who you allow to work you over....

[whipped guy]

Don't go mad...

 

After some more research, I think I am ready to make it real....The advice so far has been on the side of be careful who you allow to work you over....

Just keep things sane and avoid any madness... and to quote the Hamlet of your avatar:

 

"I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw."

 

So make sure that the wind is indeed southerly... that you are able to distinguish the difference between a hawk and a handsaw... and if you do see a handsaw... run like hell!

[doitb4ugo]

"The readiness is all"

 

Whipped,

Hopefully no "handsaws" in my future. Nor Hawks either....

 

"If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all." (Hamlet).

 

If I change the bards words "come" to "cum", I have done an evil thing but it suits my purpose here.

 

It seems as part of my personality disorder that the ratio of thinking to doing is about 10 to 1. That makes me almost ready (LOL). I did attempt some self-induced pain today and realized how easily you can hurt yourself. Ending up a eunich is not my ultimate goal so I will be more careful. It did remind me of the warnings here about being with someone after they tie you up, if they don't know what they are doing.

 

P.S. I can't believe how much I learned here. A hefty thanks to all who contributed and encouraged, and joked around. I sometimes forget that this is supposed to be FUN, too.

[Businessguy]

Who to try

 

Now that "doit" is ready to take the plunge, we should give him some recommendations in the Boston area. I don't know of any guys to suggest there. Can anyone else help him out?

I can recommend from first-hand experience Dave (Rockin DC) in Washington DC as a very creative, sane, experienced and dependable BDSM top. Check out his web site at http://www.daveinfo.blogspot.com. He really has a great approach which comes across on his web site. Dave travels to NY so maybe you could coax him to Boston or make a trip yourself to NY when he is there.

Although no first-hand experience, I would jump at the chance to play with Master Avery in NY or Raul Manzo in Chicago. Maybe "doit" can find a way to meet one of these guys.

Who else on the east coast? I'm a west coast guy.

[Dave]

I can recommend from first-hand experience Dave (Rockin DC) in Washington DC as a very creative, sane, experienced and dependable BDSM top. Check out his web site at http://www.daveinfo.blogspot.com. He really has a great approach which comes across on his web site. Dave travels to NY so maybe you could coax him to Boston or make a trip yourself to NY when he is there.

 

thanks, Businessguy, for the recommendation. i will be in nyc may 7-10, if you (Doitb4ugo) would like to have a session.

 

couple things i want to add to this amazing conversation:

 

- although many of you guys had very good information to impart, in my mind Charlie's comment (the second on the thread) was the most thorough. i don't know if i've ever read such a good explanation of bdsm in such a concise form.

 

- a great book on bdsm is SM101 by Jay Wiseman. it is considered the bdsm bible by many experienced players.

 

- i know i've written elsewhere on the forum about this, but i feel it cannot be stressed enough... overly scripted play is never as good as play that lets things flow. i find it is often newbies to a kink or fetish who, when considering hiring me, tell me in elaborate detail how a scene should go for them. although i feel i often have the skill to pull it off, i know the scene wouldn't be particularly interesting for me - and most of my clients love that i am genuinely "into" our sessions. so for that reason, if i hear someone asking for a highly scripted scenario, i will usually try to dissuade them from it. especially if i am to be the top (dom) in a scene... it's like, hey, let me top you, dude...

 

- finally, Doitb4ugo, in reading your comments on this thread, i see that you definitely do have particular interests. perhaps going through this process / discussion helped you to get them out. what i'm getting from reading your comments is that you are interested in watersports, nipple play, rope with ties, and perhaps you are open to exploring with unfamiliar toys. i suspect you also might like some “forced” dildos or butt plugs up your ass... you might enjoy “having” to service your top, and you might also crave some flogging, if you were assured it wouldnt break the skin or leave marks. all of this, though, with interspersed tenderness throughout - and aftercare at the end.

have i read you right?

[doitb4ugo]

Thanks, Dave

 

thanks, Businessguy, for the recommendation. i will be in nyc may 7-10, if you (Doitb4ugo) would like to have a session.

 

- finally, Doitb4ugo, in reading your comments on this thread, i see that you definitely do have particular interests. perhaps going through this process / discussion helped you to get them out. what i'm getting from reading your comments is that you are interested in watersports, nipple play, rope with ties, and perhaps you are open to exploring with unfamiliar toys. i suspect you also might like some “forced” dildos or butt plugs up your ass... you might enjoy “having” to service your top, and you might also crave some flogging, if you were assured it wouldnt break the skin or leave marks. all of this, though, with interspersed tenderness throughout - and aftercare at the end.

have i read you right?

 

Dave,

 

Sorry to say that I can't make a NYC trip to see you. Boston is fairly close by but getting away for me is not easy. You have been on my list for some time. Your web site is terrific and does a great job describing you.

 

You read me quite well at this point. I have been struggling with defining my interests because they are not based on any reality but only on "looking" at things that turn me on....I'm quite sure that my list will both grow and change over time with experience.

 

 

I find your thoughts on overlly scripted play to be very insightful and helpful to someone who has a tendency to think through each minute of an engagement. Part of the attraction for the bondage stuff is that I can perhaps be freed from trying to orchestrate each move and for the first time "just let go" ...That is something I def. am looking forward to.

 

Thanks for your input and advice. I will keep my eyes on your travels and see if at some point in the future we can meet.

 

thanks,

[Businessguy]

Another site good for rope instruction

 

Check out http://www.twistedmonk.com and select the video tab for some free lessons on how to use rope.

[doitb4ugo]

Hog Tied or Tongue Tied!

 

www.twistedmonk.com[/url] and select the video tab for some free lessons on how to use rope.

 

Thanks, Businessguy. They make tying knots look very easy and do a surprisingly neat job in a short amount of time. A good resource for the future.

[doitb4ugo]

Maybe One Last Question..but I doubt it

 

If I haven't exhausted all of you already. Can I get some advice on starting down this road with an escort who does not necessarily rank on the BDSM charts. I would think that a dominant type of guy could go along way to make some of this happen even without all the acoutrments. How would you approach someone. There are a number of escorts here in the Boston area that list some of this activity on their ads.

 

Being the shy guy that I am, I have been letting the escort know via e-mail what I'm looking for (so far very vanilla things) but can I try this approach with something more outside the mainstream. And If so, what types of activities would more likely be sucessful.

 

Until my knight in leather armor shows up, I woldn't mind some testing of the waters (literally & figuratively).

 

And again, thanks for all of your advice and responses.

[whipped guy]

I still have some wind left in me...

 

If I haven't exhausted all of you already...

 

Doit…

 

Now in another thread you already spoke of a guy who bit your nipples… That is a decent start… Plus, you said that you seemed to enjoy the experience as well as the lingering aftereffects. So conceivably you can contact this guy and go from there. I don’t recall his name, but I remember that he listed S&M as one of his interests in his Rentboy ad. Plus, you have already broken the ice with him… and as I recall he was hot as freaking hell in the muscles department as well. Now perhaps, you for some reason didn’t feel a connection with this guy and you want to try out someone else… Well, just ask… and I also being a shy, demure, and low key individual (it’s always the quiet ones who are into all this stuff!) feel more comfortable with email so I see no reason to alter that strategy if that’s what makes you feel the most comfortable.

 

At any rate, if you don’t want to explicitly ask for that total BDSM session and simply because you feel the need to ease yourself gradually into the swing of things, go with a guy who advertises as being a dominant personality, describe what you want, make sure that there is a meeting of the minds, and enjoy from there. Think of sex the way it’s done in the animal kingdom… and it can get a bit rough… so tell the guy you want animalistic sex… Have him grab you, have him get a bit rough, let him show you who the boss is… and just let things flow naturally from there. And I said naturally! Now what ever you decide to do, please don’t over-script things. Simply let things take their natural course.

 

So perhaps, just having a guy rough you up a bit with his fingers, bare hands, and possibly the belt you wore to the session, or even with some clothespins that you might just happen to have in your pocket could indeed be the best way to continue this break-in period to see if you do really enjoy experiencing a bit of pain… and possibly how much you are willing to tolerate.

 

Interestingly, when I first started doing this I was afraid that the guy was not going to go far enough… I remember emailing him and specifically mentioned that I wanted to be flogged among other things… and I was indeed a bit apprehensive about the whole thing… He more or less played things down saying that was a possibility and that he had the “accoutrements” … and in retrospect that was a good thing. At least I got the feeling that I was not going to get in over my head. Of course when I got there BOY did he have accoutrements… and then some! Now his theory (and he was in marketing) was that it is best to always undersell… and especially where S&M is concerned. Certainly many escorts are afraid that if they overtly advertise such a scene they just might scare away more clients than they might attract. Now looking at the flip side of the coin, likewise I have scared away an escort or two over the years… So while I doubt that you will scare anyone away at this point in time, if you indeed do that is not a bad thing as it simply means that it was not going to work out anyway… so all for the best.

 

 

PS: Not exhausted yet... but my postings here will be the basis for a book I plan to write!!... Of course it will be dedicated to a certain guy from Boston!

[doitb4ugo]

Gush

 

Doit…

 

PS: Not exhausted yet... but my postings here will be the basis for a book I plan to write!!... Of course it will be dedicated to a certain guy from Boston!

 

Whipped, Thanks. I have tried to keep all of this stuff in one post for as long as I can. I will make it easier for me and other interested readers to refer to as time goes by. In reviewing the entire thread, there is indeed a books worth of knowlege and advice for all of this.

 

Because this is about the journey and not the destination, having so much terrific material in one place is a real benefit.

 

Nice Forum down here, guys. If you guys in the fetish forum are the gruff and growly kind of people that are the cliche'd types interested in BDSM, I have found allof you to be caring and nurturing toward this beginner both in this forum and privately.

 

thanks

rich

[whipped guy]

Actually thanks to you and others as well...

 

I have found allof you to be caring and nurturing toward this beginner both in this forum and privately.

 

thanks

rich

 

Rich... well actually we thank you as you have not only asked valid and interesting questions, but probing questions as well. Question that have made us look deep into our inner souls and ask why and how we have come to enjoy the activities that we pursue. Plus, I am sure that many of us did not realize that we had accumulated so much knowledge over the years... So in that sense you have been our muse.

 

Yes, you have been our inspiration and in the process we have been “amused” by our “muse”... and by “amused” I mean that you have made this forum quite interesting, entertaining, and in the course of these discussion you have made many of us smile as well…

 

So yes, we “fetish folk” are indeed a “caring and nurturing” bunch… but it took a remarkable guy such as you to make those qualities evident to those who might be a bit squeamish about some of the things that we discuss here. So I am sure that I speak for others when I sincerely thank you (along with a few other guys who have asked interesting questions as well) for helping to revitalize and inspire this forum.

[Businessguy]

Bring it up slowly

 

"Doit" - WG has some good suggestions as usual. I too have scared off a couple of good prospective Dom escorts by focusing too much on the kink right off the bat. Here's a roadmap that works for me.

1) Well reveiwed escorts who are known for their kinky skills are a safe place to start. No need to be shy. They are turned on by the kink.

2) Escorts who list kinky "likes" should be good with it if you begin asking about the items they list. Just be aware that some escorts list kink to get more hits but they have little skill or knowledge. You should be able to filter those out.

3) Once you find an escort who seems open to the wild side, don't flood them with too many details right off the bat. They won't remember the details unless it is right before the appointment. Just list a few general ideas and limits.

4) A day before the appointment, call them to confirm and tell them you'd like to get more specific although you don't want to script out anything. Ask if they want to discuss it over the phone now or get it in an email. Then use the method they prefer.

5) Remember that escorts don't want to have phone sex or talk to a guy who sounds like he does so be open but descrete, specific but business-like. Ask the escort about his experience and skill levels. Also ask about the kind of toys and gear he has and likes to use. An experienced Dom will have his own gear. If he doesn't have any, he is a novice and you might want to reconsider.

6) Give the escort the frame work for what would turn you on in both specific activities, and more importantly the atmosphere, mood and demeanor that you would respond to the best and turn you on. Everyone is not the same and the biggest challenge for a Dom escort is to set the correct mood. For me, the Dom's demeanor is where the chemistry conncetion originates so giving the escort direction and insight here has the biggest payback.

7) Don't forget to go over your limits and restrictions and most importantly, agree on a "safe" word or signal.

8) Don't discuss fees or money in the same conversations or emails with the activities. You should have already covered that.

Then show up ready to play and let yourself get into the scene. Don't over think it and go with the flow. A good Dom will read your signals, moans and body language and adjust to find your hot buttons as you go along. You should have a great and exciting time. Enjoy!

[doitb4ugo]

New Appreciation for the personal

 

I came across the following description of BDSM which provides a more personal view of what is going on during a scene. I found it profoundly moving. Not at all dry and overly complicated

 

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BDSM is a personal theatrical ritual. […] It’s a private performance, in which the participants are actor, director, writer, audience and stunt double. The successful carrying out of a scene depends on their mutual engagement in a shared fantasy, and this depends on effective and mindful negotiation and communication. I’d contend that navigating the mental and ethical twists and turns involved in this scene-setting has, at best, the potential for helping people navigate issues of consent and coercion in other venues of their lives.

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[whipped guy]

Theater of the Absurd?

 

BDSM is a personal theatrical ritual. […] It’s a private performance, in which the participants are actor, director, writer, audience and stunt double....

 

I actually alluded to this a few weeks ago when I posted in another forum that BDSM "is like staring in your own personal porn flick… and you get to touch and feel at the same time"… and expanding on that thought you even have a part in the creation of the flick as well.

 

Interestingly, when I started hiring professional BDSM escorts I stopped watching porn. Consequently and embarrassingly, the only porn stars I really am familiar with are from the 1990s, and as far as BDSM is concerned, mostly from those old Daddy Zeus flicks… Boy am I dating myself… which are really rather tame. Consequently, when I first started to experience BDSM on a professional level it made me feel as though I were staring in my own personal theatrical production. Plus, I actually thought it to be better than the porn I had been watching because you were surrounded in all three dimensions with living auditory, tactile, and aural stimuli enveloping and overwhelming you simultaneously. In a nutshell, it was an overpowering experience… and in more ways that one!

 

But no! It is not like the Theater of the Absurd where there are distortions, irrational behavior, and meaningless actions… it is actually the exact opposite of such a concept!