A Little Aircraft Humor for KMEM

[+ ArVaGuy]

Received this bit of aircraft humor via email today and decided to share in honor of KMEM. This has been floating around the internet for years as I recall receiving it several times over the years.

 

Perhaps KMEM could validate the impish rivalry between pilots and mechanics when it comes to minor maintenance issues. While I don’t buy the assertion about UPS never having had an incident, it would appear that at least someone is having fun…at pilot expense. LOL.

_________

 

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe

sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the

aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document

their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe

sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of

humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted

by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

 

By the way, UPS is the only major

airline that has never, ever, had an

accident.

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

*

P: Dead bugs on windshield..

S: Live bugs on back-order.

*

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..

*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

*

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

*

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

*

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

*

P:Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

*

And the best one for last

*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a

midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[KMEM]

Thanks for thinking of me.

 

One of my favorite oldies but goodies is the following:

 

Captain: Approach plate holder loose.

Maint: Could not duplicate problem on ground.

Captain: Approach plate holder will not hold approach plate.

Maint: Could not duplicate problem on ground.

Captain: Approach plates continue to slip out of approach plate holder.

Maint: Could not duplicate problem on ground.

Captain: Approach plate holder missing.

 

This was after he ripped it off the yoke and threw it away. He got a new holder that worked.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[N.N.]

A funny transcription error in an NPR transcript yesterday:

 

BLOCK: And there was enough concern that airlines were ordered to replace a certain kind of sensor on these Airbus jets.

 

Mr. WALD: That's right. They replaced something called a pedo tube, but the airplane carries three of them.

 

Seen at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=121576374

whose fine print says NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by a contractor for NPR, and accuracy and availability may vary. Roger that.

[MsGuy]

KMEM, I take it that pilots read "could not duplicate..." as "Screw it, MayBelle's gonna be pissed if I'm late again."

 

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_IrbaQjhvG8Y/SuThBHgdJ1I/AAAAAAAAAHE/Y_sjrxTHPR0/s320/lazy.gif

[KMEM]

There has always been a dichotomy as well as symbiosis between pilots and mechanics. Pilots depend upon mechanics doing what they are supposed to do and not returning an aircraft to service unless and until it is safe to fly again. In this day and time, pilots have nothing but paperwork and logic to assure the work has been done. Airplanes are too complicated to just walk around them and observe "everything" is OK.

 

Mechanics think pilots are too dumb to do any thing except fly airplanes and annoy such as mechanics but they also realize that if pilots weren't out there "breaking" airplanes they would be out of a job. So, the result is when a pilot reports a discrepancy in the airplane, mechanics think, if not say, let me go take a look at what junior just screwed up and see if there is any thing "really" wrong or he just doesn't know how to operate the system. After there is agreement on what might be wrong, things proceed to the point of deciding how to fix it and, with any luck, the repair starts forthwith.

 

Personalities can run rampant. I have used the ploy of asking the mechanic to go on the test flight after any repair. I have received the whole gamut of responses from my company won't let me, my wife won't let me to let's go. Generally I am much more interested in what they say and how they say it than needing or wanting them to go. Of course, this could not only be a comment about the quality of the repair but also an on the spot evaluation of the pilot and his ability. As you can see, there are any number of nuances possible.

 

Personally, I was more in a hurry to go see Bruce.

 

Best regards,

KMEM