You know it's gonna be a bad massage when....

[jazzfan]

I'll start.

He brings out the baby oil.  

There's no face cradle.  

[COL91]

The sheet or towel on the table is damp.

[FlotasiaFlaps]

Instead of a table or a bed, there's a blowup mattress on the floor.

[Crisp]

There’s a baby crying in the next room

 

[Wanderoz]

It's so dark in the room that you can't clearly see the masseur or the table.

[dcsmlxl]

you can smell cigarettes

[scopitone]

when they ask for payment up front

when you see the massage gun ready to go

[starman05]

when the table is so far up against the bedroom wall that it's in the living room

when he says 'legit' in his ad but then goes to town on you and he says, 'I don't usually do this.' 

you pass the last client on your way in, and you see the next one coming in on your way out

He's 4 inches shorter than advertised. 5'9" is NOT 6'1". 

He's 15 lbs. heavier -- and it's all in his gut.

Halfway through he asks if you'd like his partner to do a four-handed massage and you want to say, "I'd settle for the TWO-handed massage you are supposed to be giving me." 

Edited 1 hour ago by starman05

[starman05]

Oh, here's a good one or four. 

He brings up a MLM scheme. 

He asks you if you'd like to go to a "friends helping friends" meeting. (And do you have an extra $1800 on your that you can bring? We're all giving out money to a total stranger, hoping that in 36 weeks, we can cash out.)

He mentions the Ladnmark Formu. 

He asks if you'd like to try a glass of Monavie Juice, and would you be interested in making a few extra thousand dollars a month. 

Sceintology. 

And all this while you're NAKED and vulnerable and you're asking yourself, how fast can I get to my cell phone, run into the bathroom, and lock the door. 

No. Seriously. How fast.