Jump to content

shotgun wedding for Jenna?

glutes

By + glutes
in The Lounge

This topic is 6572 days old and is no longer open for new replies.  Replies are automatically disabled after two years of inactivity.  Please create a new topic instead of posting here.  

Recommended Posts

Guest ReturnOfS

Guest ReturnOfS

Posted
Posted

A Whitehouse wedding, huh? Looks like they found a way to make Bush's poll numbers go up.

glutes Grand Master

+ glutes

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Morford's read on Jenna marriage...

 

I got her trained just right. She brings me a steady supply of cold Bud Lights while I chill on the La-Z-Boy watching the Nationals game on the plasma. Here's a funny: After any home run, I'll down whatever's left of my beer and suck in a big mouthful of air and then belch her name really, really slowly and blow it right in her face. "Oh my God that is so gross!" she squeals, and then totally cracks up and makes that funny snorting noise and goes to get us both another beer. Man, I love being married.

 

Her hair smells like kitty litter and nachos and bad domestic wiretapping law. I take deep whiffs just before bed and later dream that I'm back in law school and it's finals and I'm totally not prepared because I've been burning pages of the U.S. Constitution in my bathtub and blasting gay people and women and pretty much all of humanity with my giant death-ray laser. Wait a sec, this is Karl Rove's dream! How the hell did he get in here? He's so sneaky. But I love him. No, I mean I really love him. But he won't return my text messages anymore. Bitch.

 

I have to say, JB does make a mean lime Jell-O mold dessert, bright green like money, packed with little marshmallows and three or four cans of that sticky Dole fruit salad goop that tastes like candy but totally gives you the runs. You gotta be pretty drunk to eat it, but it does make the Xanax go down easier. J can eat the entire thing while watching a single episode of "The Bachelor." That is so hot. Like, Britney Spears hot.

 

Monthly dinner with her grandparents: all clumsy manners and weird backslapping and lots of endless slideshows. Grandpa Bush pumps my hand in greeting and keeps winking at me and won't let go for like, two minutes solid. So weird. Grandma Barb always wearing that massive teal muumuu -- looks like a cross between Bea Arthur and Dame Edna and a giant leather ottoman. "You keep an eye on our little Jen, she can be a handful!" Like I don't know.

 

But I smile a lot and make nice, because Grandpa George still has lots of contacts at the NSA, can get me into the right clubs, knows the codes. Weird tension in the room about Iraq, though. Bush 41 always griping about how badly his kid screwed it up, makes Bush 43 mope and whine until Grandma B smacks him with a rolled up Wall Street Journal and tells him to "shape up." Sorta pathetic. JB just rolls her eyes, sneaks off to swipe more tiny bottles of Tanqueray from the pantry.

 

Me and JB, we have this ritual. This funny little game. Every week we order an extra large double-cheese Hawaiian from Pizzeria Paradiso and then, while watching "O'Reilly Factor" or maybe "America's Got Talent," eat the whole thing and follow it with a big slab of cheesecake. Then we both slam a few shots of Bacardi, flip on a DVD for 10 minutes of softcore and jump into the Serta for about 10 minutes of crazy sex. Then she runs to the bathroom and throws up. She says it makes her feel, you know, healthier.

 

Food is, of course, a big issue. Always with the weight thing. J particularly hates the Reuters photogs because they always make her look "totally bloaty ginormous" when of course she's just a little "big boned." I remind her about the three Triple Vente Caramel Mocha Lattes with whipped cream she sucks down every single day, getting so jumpy and wired she likes to run into the briefing room and jump on Tony Snow's lap. "But coffee has, like, totally zero calories?" She says it like a question, even though it's a statement. I just sigh.

 

She does it all the time. Yeah, even at 25, she still talks like a sorority girl, lots of "like" and "totally" and ends all her sentences with that annoying upward lilt. "I was, like, so totally not into going with my mom to the Lakewood Church fundraiser? And Barb was texting me that she wanted to go to Smith Point to do some shots and mack on some hottie Scalia interns? But I was PMSing like crazy and just wanted to crash at home except that that totally hot Secret Service guy was totally checking me out?" It goes on and on. And people wonder why we all drink so much.

 

"Poor sick people are so amazing!" Jen says that a lot these days, ever since the Panama thing, ever since the party made her get the hell out of the country so as to deflect all the bad PR about the beer bongs and the partying and the dumb-blonde-Texas stories. But Jen says she learned "a ton" interning for UNICEF, now thinks people with HIV are "so sad and nice and not, like, nearly as skanky as I thought." Once she even wondered, out loud, why we all don't have more and better access to condoms and real birth control info and true sexual education. I shot her a look. Then she remembers: "Oh, right."

 

The HarperCollins publicist keeps calling about "Ana's Story: A Journey of Hope," JB's book about the 17-year-old single mom with HIV, which JB sorta "wrote." They want to get Jen out in the pubic eye, do some readings and talks about HIV and poor people and maybe sell some copies of a book that some mean liberal bloggers are already saying will available in the $1 remainder bin at Borders in, like, a month. Jerks. It's for a good cause. It really is. I'm totally proud if her. Even if HIV is all the gays' fault.

 

So anyway, Mary Cheney's been advising J on how to handle the book publicity. In fact, they've been spending a lot of time together lately, sharing smokes, going to movies, having late-night gabfests. Sometimes J doesn't stumble home until 4 or 5 a.m., always sort of flushed and giggly. And get this: More than once her lipstick was totally smeared all over her mouth. She said Mary was just "showing her something." Yeah right. More nights like that and I'm telling Laura about Jen's new Brazilian wax job that spells out "Obama '08." Except she misspelled it as "Osama." Whoops.

 

That said, we actually like to play Scrabble together. Or rather, I like it; J says I only want to play because I always win and then make her go get us more Bud Light so I can later burp in her face. But it's sorta confusing for her, really, because on the one hand, she hates the game because she knows so few polysyllabic words, but then she always ends up laughing and squealing because of the belching thing. Either way, somehow she ends up getting the beer. So it's a win-win.

 

Man, I love being married.

Guest Wetnwildbear

Guest Wetnwildbear

Posted
Posted

JENNA A HO Just like her daddy!

 

They just got stuck with Different Pricks!

 

Jenna got Capt Wonder Bread

 

Papa Got Pricked with Dick, Daddy 1, Rummy, Rove and Wolfowitz

 

 

Somewhere a village is missing its Idiot and its Slut~

  • 4 weeks later...

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

Contact Info:

The Company of Men
C/O RadioRob Enterprises
3296 N Federal Hwy #11104
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33306

Email: [email protected]

Help Support Our Site

Our site operates with the support of our members. Make a one-time donation using the buttons below.

$10 $25 $50 $100 $200

Make a recurring donation

Additional Resources

×
×
  • Create New...