Suck A Dead Dick?

[+ Lucky]

From the New York Observer newspaper column "The Transom" we learn that a Manhattan doctor doesn't think there is anyone "good" doing penis enlargment surgery these days, so he may be ready to himself gather some skin from dead bodies to join the fight himself:

 

Priapus Shrugged

 

Mark Warfel, the sleek plastic surgeon with a tendency to turn up against a backdrop of Hamptons scenery on Patrick McMullan’s party-photo Web site, has been seeing quite a bit of the penis these days.

 

Dr. Warfel has a large storefront on 16th Street, just off Fifth Avenue, called the Warfel Institute. With designer discretion, it could pass as a dermatology clinic.

 

Oh, but it is not. Inside, Botox is shot and noses are Winona Ryder’d; breasts go up cup sizes and down; big calves are birthed or aborted; nipples snipped to stand at attention like little eraser-stub soldiers.

 

And now Dr. Warfel is considering crossing the line that, in the world of plastic surgery and urology, separates the men from the boys. He is considering adding penis enlargement to his repertoire.

 

“It’s an open field for improvement,” he said by phone the other day. “I don’t think there’s anybody good doing it.”

 

“Fringey people do it,” Dr. Warfel said, “and you get fringey results.”

 

A great number of penis-enlargement surgeries seem to take place in California, or, at least, outside of New York. One major local practitioner has been Dr. Douglas Whitehead, who is also the president of the American Academy of Phalloplasty Surgeons.

 

Bad news, boys!

 

“At the present time, I am not performing surgery due to a medical injury,” Dr. Whitehead said the other day.

 

There are other locals, including on Long Island. But.

 

“There are a couple of people who are known for it,” Dr. Warfel said. “One went out of business, one died, and one had his license removed.”

 

So Dr. Warfel has gone to view a couple of penis-enlargement surgeries at “a surgery center in New York” that he declined to name.

 

Who goes in for enlargement? About 20 to 30 percent of the clients, Dr. Warfel estimated, had rather small penises.

 

Wait—only 20 to 30?

 

“Probably the majority of people who come in—just anecdotally—are young, good-looking guys in their 20’s and even 30’s, with average to above-average penis size.”

 

Weird, right? At a little over 10 grand for both girth and length operations, one of these average-sized guys could just pay 100 hookers $100 each to come over and moan about how large it is.

 

Right now, there are two methods of adding girth to a penis: injecting fat, or wrapping the penis in layers of cadaver skin.

 

Both have drawbacks, in that the body would like to absorb both fat and skin. Even corpse skin.

 

For length, the penis is separated from its mooring—its suspensory ligaments—and, essentially, given a yank to bring more penis above-board. The problem then is that an erection, without that tether, may not be able to point itself in its former preferred direction. Picture a gravity-free Snickers bar stuffed in a deflated balloon.

 

Oh, and one also runs the risk of cutting nerves along the way to the yanking, according to Dr. Paul Weiss, a plastic surgeon in Manhattan.

 

(For those who would like to learn more, one can find more pictures of bloody and freshly sutured male members on the Internet than on a bad field trip to the nudist-run blender factory.)

 

Soldiering on, then:

 

Dr. Warfel’s barrier to entry in this exciting (and lucrative!) field is dealing with practicalities: insurance, in particular. And he’s not crazy. “There is a climate of litigious people in our country,” said Dr. Weiss.

If you think all those women with problem breast implants were quick to court, wait till you see a guy with a malformed crotch run for his lawyer.

 

None of that seems to bother Dr. Warfel.

 

“You could probably do two in an afternoon,” he said.

 

“I think if I could put my hand to it, I could make it last,” Dr. Warfel said, and he didn’t even giggle.

 

—C.S.