Leading You On?

[thickornotatall]

[ZhenXBear]

When I was finishing college and grappling with actually coming out to my friends and family, I told my good friend Jason, a guy I'd met in an economics class about being gay. I'll never forget the moment as I had taken him to the car dealership to drop off his MZB for service. So, flying down the highway on a random outter belt I told him and the car filled with tomb like silence. Until he said, "So tell me, Zhen, what's it like?". "What's what like?" , I responded. "Being with another guy?" I laugh and remarked that I am so not having that conversation with him.

 

It was the beginning of an interesting Semester. He had a girlfriend who attended a school several hours away and it seemed like they always were fighting about something. One day after a particularly heated argument he hangs up on her and says "Damn, I should just dump Katie and go out with you." I'm like, "Eh, why would you say that Jason?" And he smiles and says "You treat me better.", he leans in and whispers in my ear "and I'll bet you give amazing head." I both blush and brush it off, sighing.

 

This went on for some time. We did everything together, both having a passion for aviation and his father being both wealthy and generous with the family plane adored me and was always asking us to use it on the weekends; and so we did. I took Jason for trips into the gay world and to gay frequented coffee shops and he ways stunned at how many guys were checking him out. Why wouldn't they? This Grant Gustin-Esque man had great genetics and it showed. One of my friends pressed him hard once, telling him he should broaden his horizons and that night I received a phone call from Jason as I lay there studying. Finally after some conversation he asks "Your friend Michael, he wants me doesn't he?" I respond "Yes, it is probably safe to assume that Michael wants you." He cuts me off "I don't want you to worry. If I ever decide to do that, it'll be with you." Not missing the opportunity, I make the joke, thanking him for confessing that since I would likely have been up all night wondering if he was having sex with Michael . He laughed, called me an ass and that was that.

 

When his girlfriend came into town he'd call me up to go to dinner with them. Talk about awkward, him insisting that I ride in the front seat! Yeah, she hated me....This wore on until I simply couldn't deal with th feelings I was developing for him.

 

So one rainy night I picket him up at a small airport. He's taken the plane down to visit the girlfriend and become deathly ill in flight. I took him to my place, pushed fluids and got him an appointment at the infirmary. I went to drop him off at home and to say goodbye and he remarks "No one cares about me like you do, Zhen". I respond "Of course I care, you're one of my best friends." He stops me saying "No, I mean no one cares about me like you do. Not my mom. Not my Dad. Not Katie. No one." At this point my heart was beating fast and I could feel all of the love I had for him pouring brightly out of every corner of my soul. He hugged me and pulled me close, hip to hip, eye to eye, locked in a moment of pure understanding. Fearful of doing anything to damage our friendship, I leaned in and kissed him softly on the cheek, lingering and resuming eye contact. "Thank you." He replies.

 

I realized in time he was either straight or bisexual yet afraid to disappoint his staunchly Republican conservative family and so to save myself the heartache of further attachment I gradually allowed myself to drift from him. Even now though, if I close my eyes and recall that moment, it will rank amongst the last memories I would replay before I leave this Earth. I truly did love him at that moment in time.