Reality can hurt

[Guest JustStarting]

Last summer, I wrote a post to this message board entitled “Darkside of Hooboy.” I wrote that I was surprised and frightened that two recent escorts not only offered, but nearly demanded that I bareback them. These were both quite well regarded escorts, with many positive reviews.

 

In the discussion that followed, I admitted that the title was poorly phrased. I should have written “Darkside of Hooville”—meaning that a client or escorts actions are certainly not HooBoy’s fault, but rather our own individual fault in giving into temptation in an exciting, charged atmosphere. Hooville offers the information, the admonitions about safe sex, but we don’t always live up. Since then, several other threads on the same topic of barebacking with escorts have been written.

 

I did keep my word now and since then, though I still daily lurk on the site, I have not hired an escort. I was surprised, however, that one of the above escorts, who had frequent, positive reviews posted had gone a long time without any new reviews. I looked him up in the review section and read that he had stopped escorting.

 

I wrote him, and much to my surprise, he promptly answered. Yes, he wrote, he had stopped escorting, and one of the reasons was his recent conversion to HIV +. He’s a wonderful, warm, charming, graceful man; he’d been so warm and gracious to me and really surpassed any expectations any client could possibly have. Others had assured my that only an already positive escort would allow barebacking, but, if I take this escort’s word, he says he was tested monthly and only converted two months ago; so at least when I saw him, he was negative. (My recent test was negative too.)

 

He wrote about the difficulties he’s facing applying to school, looking for work, adjusting to life without the easy cash he’d had for so long. Some may callously say, “tough, everyone knows the facts of HIV—he only got what was inevitable.”

 

I can complain about “unfairness.” I can, like Abraham or Job, challenge God as to why he allows such things. But, like them, I will not get an answer. I wanted to scream, cry and puke at his note. I’m going to take him to lunch soon just to offer a shoulder and a willing ear. Maybe I can help him find a job. I’ve made a donation to APLA in his honor, but I’ll still cry myself asleep tonight.

[eastbayguy]

Hi JustStarting,

 

Thank you for a most thoughtful and thought provoking post. Ah, the vagaries of human nature.

 

> Last summer, I wrote a post to this message board entitled

>“Darkside of Hooboy.” I wrote that I was surprised and

>frightened that two recent escorts not only offered, but

>nearly demanded that I bareback them. These were both quite

>well regarded escorts, with many positive reviews.

 

This is a truly scary trend. Not merely among escorts, but among all gay men. I was out, alive, well and living in San Francisco prior to the start of the AIDS outbreak. The time before and the time after are so stark for me. My circle of friends was decimated by AIDS. The effects were horrific. From what I hear, the end stages of AIDS have not changed. Dying from AIDS is not an easy death. Yet, we as a community seem to have collectively forgotten the suffering of so many of our brothers. As AIDS progresses, people loose their ability to work, function, earn a living and so forth. Typical disability payments do not begin to cover the expenses of life with end-stage AIDS. The effects accumulate, and life spirals downward out of control.

 

These days, everyone seems to think AIDS isn't fatal. Most of the people who blithely contract AIDS have no clue what they face. From what I've heard, an awful lot of people underestimate what they face, and do not take medication regularly, etc. Long term survival as an HIV+ person seems to require true dedication to staying alive. Lots of medications must be taken on a careful schedule, not just whenever you feel like it.

 

After a few years of not seeing many/any outward AIDS signs, this past fall at the Folsom Street Fair, I was horrified to see quite a few people with active KS lesions. Sadly, most of the people with the active KS were young, attractive, vibrant looking guys who ought to be full of life, but instead face an early end to their lives. One of the saddest aspects of the AIDS era was the early end of so many clever, creative, wonderful people. Our world is surely poorer for the loss of so many. You can not help but wonder how an early end to so many gay men's lives hurt all gay causes.

 

I did everything my friends were doing in the 80s. So, it is no small miracle that I'm alive, HIV- as of my last physical, and determined to stay that way. When I hear the rationalizations guys these days use to justify engaging in unsafe activity, I am just horrified. For me, it is as though we as a community learned nothing from the loss of so many great lives. That thought borders on unbearable.

 

[deletia]

 

> I can complain about “unfairness.” I can, like Abraham or

>Job, challenge God as to why he allows such things. But, like

>them, I will not get an answer. I wanted to scream, cry and

>puke at his note. I’m going to take him to lunch soon just to

>offer a shoulder and a willing ear. Maybe I can help him find

>a job. I’ve made a donation to APLA in his honor, but I’ll

>still cry myself asleep tonight.

 

This guy is fortunate to have someone reaching out to him. Lots of encouragement and support are needed to manage being HIV+ and avoiding/delaying full-blown AIDS. My guess is that one-time escorts don't have access to health insurance. Depending on your location, programs to provide all the needed drugs to keep HIV from progressing may be tough to fund.

 

Anyone and everyone with HIV needs a tight support group. Hooray for you for being there for this guy. You'll go through the range of emotions described above plus many more as HIV progresses. Sadly, the easy answer to the whole HIV question is the one we seem to miss, namely prevention.

 

I feel like I'm watching a train wreck in slow motion for a second time as apparently the spread of HIV once again increases. That we know how to stop it and choose not to does not speak well for the gay community. Are we not responsible for our actions? Have we lost all sense of pride for our community?

 

Keep us posted on developments. There is a wealth of expertise and experience among the participants here. Posting messages is easy. You've stepped up to provide real support to someone in need. Hopefully others will do so too. Once upon a time, our community rallied in remarkable ways due to the AIDS crisis. Will our community do it again? That we may need to is sad beyond my ability to express.

 

--EBG