What can a poor guy do?

[doitb4ugo]

How long can someone lead a double life....Is it possible to continue or is a choice the only way out.

 

I am currently gay in this virtual world and straight in the "real" world (what is real is not so easy to discern). The only bridge between the two is escorts who live in this world and also in my reality....If in a given week I spend 3 hours with an escort, to balance my worlds, I must spend about 47 hours a week in cyberqueer city on the internet. This calculation assumes that I am onlt 50% gay and 50% straight (not a good assumption).

 

Can happiness be found straddling both realities.

[rocky]

Hey, you sound like the life I live. And I"m seeing a therapist all about it. I see escorts on weekend

and let myself go but during week very straight. Can happiness be found, well my friend I don't think

so, I'm so frustrated it makes me angry. Not willing to come out but yet want have fun..

[Guest greatness]

I thought you came out to your family. Are you not out at work and your friends yet? Anyways, I am pretty gay so people guess without even asking me. I usually go through bridal collections with my best girl friend so go figure. I feel lonely during holidays too. I wish I had a bf who would love me just for my personality (not that great either when you get constantly rejected by even not that good looking guys). Lucky that I can afford escorts otherwise I would be so lonely. That's why I don't want to lose this girl who seems to like me for who I am. Sex can be fun but I want love.

[josephga]

Coming out to friends wasn't very difficult for me not like with family. I waited until I was in A relationship. That way if it went bad I still had him for support. My first bf and I were complete opposite in this issue. He was out to family but not out to friends. I was out with friends but not with family at the time. It blew his mind how easy it was for me to just get on the phone and call up friends and tell them. There was a reason for that. In my mind true friends accept you for who you are if not then they can just go jump in lake fuck off and be replaced lol But with family that's more difficult it's tuff to have family against you, and the fear of losing them is more difficult. I haven't seen my brother since 1999 and have only seen my niece 3 times last time was in like 06. On the other hand I think its unhealthy not being out and carrying all that stress around. Over the years I talked with a number of guys that told me they never had a successful relationship until they came out. Some guys won't date someone that's closeted, My first bf would not that's what led to me having too come out the parents he wouldn't date a guy not out to family.

[orbital sander]

I am very passionate about this issue.

 

You come out to anyone only when you are ready and comfortable. My philosophy is that who (and what gender) we are intimate with is personal, and is not anyone's business but who we feel we want to share it with. I share my orientation only with those that I wish to, family included. I refuse to be railroaded by the notion that we have to let the whole world know who we are. Most will not care anyway.

 

When I was younger, I had a very good pal named Pamela. She was a lesbian, and a great friend. We were both very young, and she was a wonderful person. She was pressured by her partner to come out to her parents who were very conservative. She did. They rejected her completely, and she took her own life about six months later. I will never forget this.

 

FUCK anyone who pressures you to come out before you are ready to do so. If you are ready, and you want to come out to the entire world, well more power to you, go for it. If you are uncertain, then consider getting some professional help with a sympathetic counselor.

[justaguy]

Doit, Orbital just gave you the only thing that can be said. It's your life. Live it the way that makes you happy and not according to anyone else's definition of what you're supposed to feel. And if you're unsure of what you really feel, find an ear, like that of a good counselor, and talk it through.

[Guest Merlin]

Your felt need to balance your time 50-50 is an unnecessary complication and, frankly sounds a bit obsessive/compulsive.(Jack Nicholson in "As good as it gets"). I suggest you deliberately avoid conforming to it.

 

As time goes on your two lives will become second nature easier, if you choose to continue that way. Whether you should come out depends on many factors, where do you live,what is your profession or occupation, what are you family like etc. Obviously less of a problem in a city than a small town. Some occupations will easily tolerate and open gay, others not so much. But remember, once you come out you cannot go back.

[jgoo]

Determining whether to come out or not (or how much), and the possibilities for happiness, is very specific to each individual based on their own circumstances, experiences and background. Some chose to ignore the issue altogether, others may deal with it on their own while still others may seek help through therapy, counseling, peer support, etc. I suggest, assuming this is something you are ready to address, before you deal with the issue itself that you take a step back and first explore what support mechanism(s) you believe will be best for you to assist you in asking questions and finding answers that are right for you.

[KMEM]

doitb4ugo-

 

Somehow I don't think you need advice garnered from a movie. Happiness is a state of mind of which you have much control. If you have an attitude that you are unhappy, it will be so. A bit of exercise + doing your best to have a positive attitude will do wonders.

 

If you can do something about your lifestyle and wish to do so, go for it. If not, try to go on to other things. Many people "live" for the week-end for a large variety of reasons, certainly not just being gay. A lot of people look at the "work" week as a method to acquire money to do what they really want to do which they at least partially partake of on the week-ends. Most of those folks don't consider themselves as being happy or unhappy, at least not "clinically". They just accept their lifestyle and go on with the usual hills and valleys.

 

You do have support here and you seem to know it.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[jawjateck]

I am fortunate in this regard. I have lived in the "straight" world all my life, family, friends, business associates, even dated women when I was younger (20s and early 30s), but soon realized that I am wired and happy being single, so I don't feel the conflict of trying to balance two worlds. I gave up on women. I was especially tired of serving as their damn personal ATM, but as much as I love hot guys, I quickly realized that it would be even worse for me to try to strike up a relationship with a man. I love and enjoy singleness and my freedom. I am selfish and have to have lots of "me" time, alone time, quiet time. My family is happy for me that I love my life in its present form, and they make no issue that I am a lifelong single guy; and never harass me about it or try to "fix" me up. They know I'm a big boy capable of making decisions about my life.

 

I just love guys for sex, and a little companionship for trips perhaps, but no relationships, hence why I use the convenience of this forum to fill my wants. While free sex is always available, I'm not into the randomness of hook-ups; I prefer to browse the ads/reviews and get what I want, when I want. Since I have no desire for a relationship, I don't have the internal pressures of balancing these worlds or making the tough choices that others face to be "true" to who they are. It's my life and nobody else's biz what I do. Perhaps as I get older my perspective will change and a significant other will become a need in my life; at which time, I will face the same difficult choices, but for now, I'm loving life as is.

 

As others have said, you have to be you, and do what's right for you. Don't let anyone else persuade you of the rightness of their perspective, because your life is yours, only yours, and you got one shot at it. Live it well!

[Diverdan]

Is it Really Double ?

 

Hi Rich,

I have a somewhat different take on your serious question, and I hope you won't be offended by this response. We all have different approaches to various aspects of our life. I don't think that means you are living a double life, you are just living your life. I have many friends who are gay and lesbian, but that does not define them, it is only one aspect of their lives, just as being straight does not define those friends of mine who I consider straight!. Some of my friends know almost everything about me, including my sexual preferences, and other friends know very little about me for a variety of reasons. The same is true for family. Some know a great deal about me, and others know only the things I wish to share with them. Many factors determine what I will or will not share, whether it be my finances, sexual preferences, where I am going on vacation, what I like to eat or drink, what movies or books I like, etc. I have been very lucky in my life to have a few close friends with whom I have shared everything, and I presume they with me. The same is also true of a couple of cousins of mine. One of my cousins and I discovered we really liked each other!... and had some wonderful times together without anyone else in the family aware. I was heartbroken when he died at a very young age in a hunting accident. Did I need to share our love for each other with the rest of the family? I don't think so, as it was only something for the two of us, in my opinion. Did that mean I was leading a double life? Again, I don't think so, as not everyone needs to know everything about me. I have worked with many guys over the years who were openly gay at work, and with many other guys who were gay but were not open for what ever reasons. I knew and they knew that I knew, but it never was an issue for them or me. I respected their choice and still do to this day. It is really only a question that you can answer for yourself. If you continue to struggle with this issue, I hope you can find a close friend to discuss this with, or consider seeing a competent therapist for a few sessions to help you sort out your feelings on this issue. Sorry to be so long winded, but I hope you can be less conflicted by your situation, and only you can decide how far you want to go in sharing and dealing with your feelings. Good luck and send me a pm if you want to discuss further.

DD

PS... I love your postings on this site!

[instudiocity]

As others have said, you have to be you, and do what's right for you. Don't let anyone else persuade you of the rightness of their perspective, because your life is yours, only yours, and you got one shot at it. Live it well!

 

I agree with your entire post, jawjateck. It must be a stubborn, er, uh, SOUTHERN thing. When I want hot sex, I hire. Otherwise, I'm happy 'alone', too.

[josephga]

As I get older being alone bothers me less each year. When I was 30 ish I always thought got to have a bf at all times. Then around 37 I stopped caring all together

[Guest IndyMedic2006]

I agree with your entire post, jawjateck. It must be a stubborn, er, uh, SOUTHERN thing. When I want hot sex, I hire. Otherwise, I'm happy 'alone', too.

 

I agree with jawjateck and instudiocity... I am perfectly content with being alone and when I find time to hire, I am content with the time I spend with an escort and then going back to being single.

[instudiocity]

As I get older being alone bothers me less each year. When I was 30 ish I always thought got to have a bf at all times. Then around 37 I stopped caring all together

 

Well, I'm somewhere between 30 and 37 here. I never have thought, 'got to have a bf' but since I work out of my home and travel to see customers, I realize I must have friends - neighbors, coffee shop acquaintances, hiking buddies. So I'm not at the point of NOT CARING.

 

My current hire relationship is turning into a culinary and wine experiment - he likes what I cook and drink. We see each other outside of his work <g>!