My best friend IS gay

[Guest admirerDC]

Thanks guys,

 

I agree--seducing him is NOT the way to go.

 

Let me give yo some more info:

 

I've known him for 6 years, and have noticed a lot of things over the years, but recently began seeing some weird stuff within the past year or so.

 

He's somewhat iffeminate, immaculately dressed, very neat, has occasionally dressed as a woman for Halloween, etc. Likes decorating, cooking, fashion (so do I)

 

When he has sex with a girl, it's like masturbation. he just fucks them to "fuck himself straight" and he moves on to the next one. I've heard this from some of his conquests.

 

One girl even accused him of rape.

 

He once put his foot on my leg and moved it to my crotch and looked at me, he asks me about me not wearing underwear, he always needs to beat me in tennis, chess, career; he suggested we buy a house together recently, we likes walking through very gay areas of town together, or being seen with me, we went to a dinner party and he wanted to bring one bottle of wine--instead of two--like we're a couple.

 

He's let some things slip: Implying attraction towards certain guys. He gets very jealous of me when i spend time with others and/or meet new people.

 

For the past month he's refused to call me or email me back, but if I catch him, he loves to spend the entire weekend together.

 

Grabbing his dick and looking at me.

 

I told him I was gay after a psychic told me flat out: "Your best male friend has romantic feelings toward you."

 

i mentioned seeing a psychic and he got very defensive. i told him she said a "friend had a crush on me" The nest day, before I came out, he asked if I found out "which dude likes me." I told him, she said friend, not dude.

 

When I told him I was gay, he asked all sorts of weird questions:

 

1. Do I want a boyfriend?

2. What's my type?

3. Am I going to do any gay pride parades?

4. Saying "I don't like dudes"

 

He insisted on being there when I was about to tell our other friend, and insisted that I email him any contact about me coming out to our friends.

 

He's been flipping between flirting and holding back.

 

Very confused here.

 

yes, i am SO attracted to him. Am I seeing things the way that I want to?

 

Does this help?

[Guest admirerDC]

My best friend, we're both 23, IS GAY, I strongly believe. His sexuality and interest in me is not the question.

 

Here's the question.

 

I know he has feelings for me. i told him I was gay. He figured out that I have feelings for him. He is in denial. But, is hinting a bit, and flirting a bit.

 

Anything I can do to help him realize his sexuality? He has lived a very promiscuous heterosexual lifestyle--banging chicks left and right and moving on, etc..

 

What does he need right now? Space? A secure idea of "gay"?, confrontation, sexual advances?

 

Thoughts? Thanks, boys.

[mmk]

I would not approach him sexually at all. Even if you suspect he is gay, since you said he bangs chicks left and right, he very well might be in denial and is "trying to fuck himself straight".

 

If he is in denial, then making an advance on him could possibly drive him away from his true feeling for a number of years and possibly ruin your friendship with him. I would just continue to be his friend. In my life, I have never told someone that they should come out to anybody but I have always told people about the positive experience I have had in coming out and my life as a gay man.

 

Now the other possibility would be that maybe he just wants to experiment and since you are his friend who happens to be gay, maybe he would like you to be the one he experiments with. I think that in todays world their are many people-both men and women-who are very curious about having sex with a member of their own sex and would like to try it a few times and that would be it. I do not believe that these people are gay or even bisexual either, just curious people who would like to have their curiosity satisfied.

 

This is a matter that you should tread lightly over. You would not want to lose a friend over your suspicions, especially if you are wrong. By the way, what has he done, said or what behavioral patterns has he exhibited that would lead you to believe he is gay? Is this friend of your someone that you find to be very attractive and have had fantasies about? Is it possible that maybe you are reading a little more into your friend than what is really there? (Please do not take offense to those questions-they were not meant to be insulting or belittling)

[Losgatan]

Your friend may be bi -- but I doubt very much that he is gay.

 

I've known very few gay guys that "bang chicks right and left." Some of us may try to get it on with a girl but are usually turned off after a few experiences. And there are many of us (me included) who have never had sex with a woman.

 

So, try to seduce him if you want. But be prepared for the fact that he is probably not "boyfriend" material.

:-(

[Guest BigSquirt]

>What does he need right now? Space? A secure idea of

>"gay"?, confrontation, sexual advances?

 

How about his best friend just letting him be what HE IS without boxing him into a "secure" idea or definition of anything?

 

You're best friends. You're only 23 years old...Chill. He knows your sexuality--you know a lot about his. If you're good friends, and he screws girls but seems ready to expand his repertoire, then keep on being good friends...forcing the issue isn't the answer.

 

Let it develop naturally...if he's as horny and curious as you say, when it does happen, you'll be glad you played it that way. And who knows, in time you might just come to discover how much a bi fuck buddy can be one of life's great delights!

[Guest in yer face]

>One girl even accused him of rape.

 

This one line just speaks volumes, and I cant beleive no one picked up on it. Duh, hes a closet fag and is taking it out on the women that he fucks. No doubt, he most likely did rape that girl. It wouldnt be the first time that a closet fag has acted violently in self hatred.

 

 

>

>He once put his foot on my leg and moved it to my crotch and

>looked at me, he asks me about me not wearing underwear, he

>always needs to beat me in tennis, chess, career; he

>suggested we buy a house together recently, we likes walking

>through very gay areas of town together, or being seen with

>me, we went to a dinner party and he wanted to bring one

>bottle of wine--instead of two--like we're a couple.

>

>He's let some things slip: Implying attraction towards

>certain guys. He gets very jealous of me when i spend time

>with others and/or meet new people.

 

My suggestion, run, dont walk in the other direction. He fits "spousal abuser" to a tee.

 

 

 

>For the past month he's refused to call me or email me back,

>but if I catch him, he loves to spend the entire weekend

>together.

>

 

Again, passive aggresiveness. Another trait of a spousal abuser.

 

 

>Grabbing his dick and looking at me.

>

>I told him I was gay after a psychic told me flat out: "Your

>best male friend has romantic feelings toward you."

>

>i mentioned seeing a psychic and he got very defensive. i

>told him she said a "friend had a crush on me" The nest

>day, before I came out, he asked if I found out "which dude

>likes me." I told him, she said friend, not dude.

>

>When I told him I was gay, he asked all sorts of weird

>questions:

>

>1. Do I want a boyfriend?

>2. What's my type?

>3. Am I going to do any gay pride parades?

>4. Saying "I don't like dudes"

>

>He insisted on being there when I was about to tell our

>other friend, and insisted that I email him any contact

>about me coming out to our friends.

>

>He's been flipping between flirting and holding back.

>

>Very confused here.

>

>yes, i am SO attracted to him. Am I seeing things the way

>that I want to?

>

>Does this help?

 

You are wasting your time and possibly playing with fire with this one. Do you really want to be involved with a fucked up nut case? Is your self esteem really that low? Grow up, and take a look around you for some healthy relationships. I seriously doubt that any of those started out with one asking for advise on an escort message system.

[ad rian]

>You are wasting your time and possibly playing with fire

>with this one. Do you really want to be involved with a

>fucked up nut case? Is your self esteem really that low?

>Grow up, and take a look around you for some healthy

>relationships. I seriously doubt that any of those started

>out with one asking for advise on an escort message system.

 

That's pretty harsh. Actually, I have got good advice here in the past. I am more curious about what in your own personal circumstances would lead you to such insensitivity!?

[Guest in yer face]

>>You are wasting your time and possibly playing with fire

>>with this one. Do you really want to be involved with a

>>fucked up nut case? Is your self esteem really that low?

>>Grow up, and take a look around you for some healthy

>>relationships. I seriously doubt that any of those started

>>out with one asking for advise on an escort message system.

>

>That's pretty harsh. Actually, I have got good advice here

>in the past. I am more curious about what in your own

>personal circumstances would lead you to such

>insensitivity!?

 

 

Im sorry. I didnt realise that setting someone straight who may be putting themselves in a dangerous situation was "harsh" or "insensitive". Perhaps this little 23 year old should just go watch a "Real World" rerun to figure this out, considering its really just the same kind and level of drama that one would expect on that show.

 

"Oh, I like him, but hes "straight" and rapes girls" OH PLEASE!

[+ Axiom2001]

Man, I liked everyone's advice to you except "4 in yer face".

My suggestion to you would be to have a heart-to-heart, candid discussion with him. I like my BEST friend because we can be HONEST with each other. He and I briefly (long ago) discussed having sex with each other; it didn't happen, and I am glad, but I think if I were in your shoes-- I'd talk man-to-man with him; I'd talk "friend-to-friend" with him; I would not let him (my friend) flirt and tease me, and that's all! I think I would question him about his behavior. Again, I would do as the preceding respondent said-- let it happen when you both think it's the right time.

 

What do you see in your friend besides his looks? What keeps the platonic relationship together? I had an Aussie "friend" to question what drew and has drawn us together. When we first me, I had the holy hots for him. I was in a class about "homosexuality" and had NOT fully come out, but I sat and flirted with him. We never had sex because he was supposedly in a long-distance relationship. Today I have NO interest in him sexually although when he and his lover visited me about some two years ago, he wrote me a word processed note on my computer which stated: "If only it were not for Terry." I read the memo but thought little of it, for again, Doug does NOT interest me sexually. (Let me stop before I begin to ramble!)

[phage]

Squirt – It appears that we have more in common than an interest in straight acting masculine men. Most excellent advice.

 

admirer – Slow down…take a breath. It was just a couple of weeks ago when you were debating telling your friend that you are gay. It sounds like that went very well except for the fact that he didn’t immediately jump your bones.

 

I know you want to get him into bed, but give him some time to adjust to the situation. Be his friend and get on with your life a little. Don’t exclude him, but don’t make him the center of your attention either. It’s very likely that if he sees you dating someone else, everything will come to a head. He will either be consumed with jealousy or completely indifferent and that should tell you what you need to know.

 

So like Squirt suggests…chill. You’ve put things in motion, now see where they go.

[Guest sniper]

I agree he seems to have issues that may preclude him as boyfrined material. If you'd like a fling though, you could always drop something like,"Hey, if you ever want to see what it's like, I'll give you the tour, just let me know..." then do the hardest thing of all. Drop the subject completely. It has to be his move.

He sounds like the type who will jump right back inot the closet if you try to force the issue with him.

[Guest admirerDC]

Thanks to all who replied.

 

It's really great to hear things validated, even questioned.

 

I guess I need to realize that he may never come out, but I truly think he is seriously thinking about it.

 

Right now, he's out of the country for two weeks.

 

Any ways I can guage things when he gets back? What are the signs for when people come out?

[Paul Revere]

I agree completly with In Yer Face. I have been there in your situation.

 

Your friend has serious issues. He is passive agressive, and has serious control issues. He shows all of the classic signs of spousal abuse. Abuse of this type can be emotional and mental as well as physical. Your friend knows exactly what he is doing. He is playing you and you are a willing accomlplice. This situation will never end well for you. Even if your friend eventually comes out (he won't), he will run off with someone else who he can control easier than you. The issue here is not if your best freind is gay or not, but why you have such a dependence on him. How old are you guys?

 

You can not solve your friend's problems or issues, but you should seek some help for your own. Get some counseling or therapy, or at least consult a trusted friend or relative about this situation. Try to get some perspective. It is harsh, but the problem here is your own self-image, and why you need to be abused by your friend.

 

Trust me on this, move on as quickly as possible. You deserve better, and much better is out there.

[Guest wndrwoman]

>Man, I liked everyone's advice to you except "4 in yer

>face".

 

 

Actually, I'd have to agree with "4inyerface", because he's working with the information YOU gave us. Your buddy sounds like a bi who's working out his frustrations/confusions about sexuality on women.

 

I don't know how to put it to you gently but: please re-read your comments on this man! How many "hints" do you need from him that he's a passive agressive/jealous/insecure/abuser? These are traits that I've experienced in my own life with bi and straight guys (not ALL of them, thank god), who have ended up really fucking me up.

 

Be careful,

tina

[Guest Thunderbuns]

>Right now, he's out of the country for two weeks.

 

If he is travelling alone, he may be doing his "experimenting" as we speak! Hope he doesn't return a screaming queen :-)

 

Thunderbuns

[Guest in yer face]

>Thanks to all who replied.

>

>It's really great to hear things validated, even questioned.

>

>I guess I need to realize that he may never come out, but I

>truly think he is seriously thinking about it.

>

>Right now, he's out of the country for two weeks.

>

>Any ways I can guage things when he gets back? What are the

>signs for when people come out?

 

 

Heres a link I think youll need if you keep up with this guy, as it sounds like you are going to. Its an organization called the Anti-Violence Project. They deal not only with gay bashing incidents, but also outreach, and support for people in abusive relationships. Im posting this not only for you, but for anyone else that is keeping tabs on this thread because they recognize that they may be in an abusive relationship (its not always as plain as it seems).

 

http://www.avp.org

[Guest admirerDC]

in yer face:

 

Thanks for your responses. And thanks much for the link to avp. I gave them a call and spoke to a counselor. She was EXTREMELY helpful.

 

It's clear to her, everyone here, and myself that I need to focus on me, and why I'm thinking about him, as I can not control another person's coming out, etc.. Thanks again for that link--truly.

 

What are some signs he might give off if he's interested, or about to come out? What should I be on the lookout for--while I begin my gay life, of course...

[Paul Revere]

admirerDC, it sounds like you are making some sensible and reasoned choices here. That's good. Its good to take advantage of the wisdom of those here on the Board who may have travelled down these difficult paths before.

 

Now I again I hate to be harsh, but my friends and I have had the discussion many times about "What determines if one is gay?"

 

Watching Martha Stewart? Cross-dressing? Knowledge of show tunes? Addictive dedication to Madonna?

 

No, none of these things absolutely indicate if someone is gay. I have actually known a couple of effeminate heterosexuals in my life. (Yes they exist, and it can be pretty funny sometimes.)

 

Is your friend gay? There is only one question to ask. Does he suck dick? End of discussion.