in love with best friend

[Guest admirerDC]

OK boys--I need your help.

 

I'm 23 and gay--in the closet--no one knows. For over a year, i've been in love with my staright best friend--also my age. I've always suspected some bisexual tendencies on his part, but within the past few weeks have been sensing some strange behavior on his end:

 

He's been acting very jealous, unresponsive, not wanting to initiate contact but really enjoying spending time together, wanting to know what I'm doing, who I'm spending time with, etc.. Weird, uncharacteristic stuff.

 

Confused, I visited a psychic yesterday and learned a lot. had never been to one before. During my tarot reading, the first thing she said was that my best male friend has been having romantic feelings toward me lately. Perceptive yes, but let's face it, she didn't pick up on the fact that I'm gay, and have recipricol feelings toward him.

 

I'm not sure how to proceed. I would love a romantic relationship with him, but am very concerned about throwing our friendship away.

 

Should I tell him I'm gay? that I have feelings toward him/ Act in a way to be more desirable and make him initiate? Do nothing? tell him about what I've noticed? Be honest?

 

I really need your help, so any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Also, any coments on coming out in general are more than welcome.

 

THANKS!!!

 

admirerDC

[Losgatan]

This is going to sound very crass, but it’s a trick I once saw in a gay adult video.

 

1. Arrange to be alone with him overnight somewhere – sharing a hotel room, a tent, etc.

 

2. Let him catch you jacking off. Look embarrassed and say something like “sorry about that but I was SO fucking horny.”

 

3. If he’s gay, he’ll almost certainly join you. Otherwise, you can still retrieve your dignity.

 

I have never tried this myself – but certainly would like the opportunity.

:9

[Guest 7Zach]

never tried this, but the old one was to put out nude magazine where he can see it.

alternative is to sit on the sofa and watch porn where both get boners.

alternative, and don't recommend this, but both do x and do massage. or forget the drug, and ask him to rub your back.

or drink and then just jump him.

but ur perceptions are probably correct, problem is whether he'll acknowledge it. that's the tough one.

hey btw, he's not a priest is he. oh, yeah, u said he was ur age...

[phage]

This is actually something that I am very familiar with as it has been an unfortunate pattern in my life. It has happened to me four times with varying outcomes. The first became my first boyfriend in high school; the second became only a pseudo-boyfriend but he was the love of my life so far; the third turned out to be gay but was not interested; and the last was really straight and we never discussed it.

 

I firmly believe there are factors that tend to bring closeted gay men together. Call it gaydar if you want, but I think it is more about common interests and acceptance of traits that many gay men share. Maybe it’s that you enjoy hanging out together and don’t make a pretense of chasing women. Maybe it’s that you’re not big sports fans. Whatever binds you together.

 

What I found (after the first when I was much too young to do this) is that you need to make a decision about risking the relationship by being honest with the guy that you are gay. There is always a small chance that things will go badly and you could lose the friendship, but in my experience this never happened.

 

If you can take the risk, then choose a time when you are able to have an intimate, uninterrupted conversation. Maybe late at night when neither of you have any place else to be. Don’t spring everything on him at once. Start by just telling him that you want to be honest and need to confide something. He will probably know just what you are about to tell him and send signals about how receptive he is. (The straight guy I mentioned made it clear he didn’t want to talk about it.) Talk it through and see where it leads. In three of my four experiences it led to an almost immediate admission from my friend that he too was gay. (Okay, one got stuck on bisexual for a little while but that’s not unusual for guys who are just coming out.)

 

The hooking up aspect varied, and it’s hard to guess where it will go from there. My first lasted for four years from 17 – 21 and that was a very long time for such young guys. (Sort of like dog years.) The second was too complicated to try to explain. The third was disappointing because he was then comfortable enough to tell me just what kind of guys he liked – and it sure wasn’t me. The fourth is now married and has two children. Since you’re both young and inexperienced, it seems likely that he would at least want to give it a try.

 

One word of caution though since your mention throwing out the friendship. I think gay men have a remarkable ability to actually be friends when they say, “Let’s just be friends.” It’s one of the things that I’ve always loved about being gay, however, it is hard to go backwards. You can “test the water” and fool around a bit, but if you have a protracted and torrid first fling that doesn’t work out, you may never be the same kind of friends afterwards.

 

Good luck. It some ways I envy you – I had a couple great relationships – but in most ways I would recommend trying to avoid this situation in the future. With 20-years of hindsight, it has caused me more pain than pleasure.

[Guest admirerDC]

Nice buffet of ideas. Much appreciated.

 

Losgatan and 7Zach:

 

I like your style. Could be a good approach, but I'd probably tone it down a bit. Maybe a boner while watching tv, or touching him without it being overtly sexual, etc..

 

phage:

 

Thanks for your thoughts. It's good to hear some one else in this situation. It's very encouraging.

 

Keep'em coming!

[Guest unlimited_horizons2002]

hey man it sound great.

just enjoy quality time with him. flirt with him and look where it brings you. if he is your friend, he will be your friend forever. if not.... if you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours if not....it never was.

take care and lots of luck in your life.

[Rod Hagen]

Buy a sling. Hang it in the Living Room. If when he sees it, he immediately uncorks a bottle of amyl nitrate and then hops in, he's yours.