jackhammer91406

Late addition
 
I was just released from the Spa (hospital) after another 2 weeks. Wanted to share a few things that have been sent my way in the last few weeks to cheer me up. Hope they do the same for you.
 
If you are old enough to remember the original Hollywood Squares, you may get a kick out of these. They were sent to me by my good friend in OHIO (oh no).
 
 
 
 
Hollywood Squares:
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
 
 
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
 
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

Cartoons and other stuff
 
The items below are courtesy of my good friend in Ohio. The first one is from a cartoon. Since that is a visual medium, I ask everyone to bend a bit as I try to describe a cartoon that made me laugh out loud...
Apologies if I fail....
 
Imagine a picture of an A.A. type meeting for dogs. There are dogs seated all around a lectern waiting expectantly for the bull dog at the microphone to share...
The bull dogs says.
MY NAME IS REX AND IT'S BEEN 6 MONTHS SINCE I HAVE LICKED MY BALLS....
 
Not even a giggle huh?
OK... let's try this one. I was tempted to put this in the thread about gays on ships...but, that's a story for another time...You'll get it when the story is over..I hope....
 
 
Manure... An interesting fact
 
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
 
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
 
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
 
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
 
 
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
 
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
 
Neither did I.
 
I had always thought it was a golf term.

Last Tuesday...
 
This race in New Jersey last Tuesday had some interesting humor. check out the names of the horses....

With the recent path my life has taken, I have found it helpful to try to focus on upbeat things, especially humor (a relative term to be sure). Some of my close friends have taken to sending me jokes. I thought you might like to see a few.
If there is interest perhaps I will post some more along the way.
You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread.
 
Here are few for today:
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
 
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
And then....

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
 
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
 
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Finally........
 
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

With the recent path my life has taken, I have found it helpful to try to focus on upbeat things, especially humor (a relative term to be sure). Some of my close friends have taken to sending me jokes. I thought you might like to see a few.
If there is interest perhaps I will post some more along the way.
You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread.
 
Here are few for today:
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
 
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
And then....

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
 
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
 
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Finally........
 
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Last Tuesday...
 
This race in New Jersey last Tuesday had some interesting humor. check out the names of the horses....

Late addition
 
I was just released from the Spa (hospital) after another 2 weeks. Wanted to share a few things that have been sent my way in the last few weeks to cheer me up. Hope they do the same for you.
 
If you are old enough to remember the original Hollywood Squares, you may get a kick out of these. They were sent to me by my good friend in OHIO (oh no).
 
 
 
 
Hollywood Squares:
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
 
 
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
 
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

Late addition
 
I was just released from the Spa (hospital) after another 2 weeks. Wanted to share a few things that have been sent my way in the last few weeks to cheer me up. Hope they do the same for you.
 
If you are old enough to remember the original Hollywood Squares, you may get a kick out of these. They were sent to me by my good friend in OHIO (oh no).
 
 
 
 
Hollywood Squares:
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
 
 
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
 
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

Late addition
 
I was just released from the Spa (hospital) after another 2 weeks. Wanted to share a few things that have been sent my way in the last few weeks to cheer me up. Hope they do the same for you.
 
If you are old enough to remember the original Hollywood Squares, you may get a kick out of these. They were sent to me by my good friend in OHIO (oh no).
 
 
 
 
Hollywood Squares:
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
 
 
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
 
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

With the recent path my life has taken, I have found it helpful to try to focus on upbeat things, especially humor (a relative term to be sure). Some of my close friends have taken to sending me jokes. I thought you might like to see a few.
If there is interest perhaps I will post some more along the way.
You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread.
 
Here are few for today:
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
 
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
And then....

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
 
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
 
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Finally........
 
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Late addition
 
I was just released from the Spa (hospital) after another 2 weeks. Wanted to share a few things that have been sent my way in the last few weeks to cheer me up. Hope they do the same for you.
 
If you are old enough to remember the original Hollywood Squares, you may get a kick out of these. They were sent to me by my good friend in OHIO (oh no).
 
 
 
 
Hollywood Squares:
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
 
 
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
 
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

Cartoons and other stuff
 
The items below are courtesy of my good friend in Ohio. The first one is from a cartoon. Since that is a visual medium, I ask everyone to bend a bit as I try to describe a cartoon that made me laugh out loud...
Apologies if I fail....
 
Imagine a picture of an A.A. type meeting for dogs. There are dogs seated all around a lectern waiting expectantly for the bull dog at the microphone to share...
The bull dogs says.
MY NAME IS REX AND IT'S BEEN 6 MONTHS SINCE I HAVE LICKED MY BALLS....
 
Not even a giggle huh?
OK... let's try this one. I was tempted to put this in the thread about gays on ships...but, that's a story for another time...You'll get it when the story is over..I hope....
 
 
Manure... An interesting fact
 
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
 
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
 
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
 
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
 
 
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
 
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
 
Neither did I.
 
I had always thought it was a golf term.

With the recent path my life has taken, I have found it helpful to try to focus on upbeat things, especially humor (a relative term to be sure). Some of my close friends have taken to sending me jokes. I thought you might like to see a few.
If there is interest perhaps I will post some more along the way.
You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread.
 
Here are few for today:
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
 
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
And then....

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
 
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
 
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Finally........
 
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

With the recent path my life has taken, I have found it helpful to try to focus on upbeat things, especially humor (a relative term to be sure). Some of my close friends have taken to sending me jokes. I thought you might like to see a few.
If there is interest perhaps I will post some more along the way.
You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread.
 
Here are few for today:
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
 
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
And then....

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
 
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
 
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Finally........
 
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

and so it goes...late
 
Apologies for the tardiness. It's Sunday after all, not Friday. But I was in Las Vegas this weekend and couldn't get the laptop to work. I think I was channeling Hooboy.
Anyway...I thought this was funny enough to share...

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
 
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.
 
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
 
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
 
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
 
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."
 
"I see," the captain says.
 
"Plus, he's screwing me," she added.
 
"He certainly is", replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

And so it goes.....
 
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
 
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
 
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
 
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
 
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
 
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
 
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
 
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
 
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
 
 
 
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
 
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
 
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

With the recent path my life has taken, I have found it helpful to try to focus on upbeat things, especially humor (a relative term to be sure). Some of my close friends have taken to sending me jokes. I thought you might like to see a few.
If there is interest perhaps I will post some more along the way.
You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread.
 
Here are few for today:
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
 
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
And then....

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
 
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
 
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Finally........
 
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Late addition
 
I was just released from the Spa (hospital) after another 2 weeks. Wanted to share a few things that have been sent my way in the last few weeks to cheer me up. Hope they do the same for you.
 
If you are old enough to remember the original Hollywood Squares, you may get a kick out of these. They were sent to me by my good friend in OHIO (oh no).
 
 
 
 
Hollywood Squares:
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
 
 
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
 
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

With the recent path my life has taken, I have found it helpful to try to focus on upbeat things, especially humor (a relative term to be sure). Some of my close friends have taken to sending me jokes. I thought you might like to see a few.
If there is interest perhaps I will post some more along the way.
You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread.
 
Here are few for today:
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
 
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
And then....

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
 
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
 
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Finally........
 
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.