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CONTRACTING OUT SOLVES AMERICA'S NIGHTMARE


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Were it only true! ;) Thanks to a fellow M4Mer for this gem:

 

 

OUTSOURCING OF JOBS REACHES THE PRESIDENT

by Staff Reporter Melynda Jill

 

Washington DC - Congress today announced that the Office of President of the

United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of June

30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save not only a

significant portion of the President's $400K yearly salary, but also a

record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be

significant" stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-Wash). Reynolds, with

the aid of the GAO (the General Accounting Office), has studied outsourcing

of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the

world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations

for the job move have been underway for some time. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of

Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of President

of the United States as of July 1.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were vacationing

at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive

a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other

benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job

responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference between

the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of

the US Government will be open.

"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express

call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited

about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully

aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not

be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to

respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using this tree, he can

address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues

at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the Spokesperson.

"Mr.

Bush has used them successfully for years."

Mr. Bush will receive health overage, expenses, and salary until his final

day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible

for $240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not

be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment benefits will exceed the

allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to

help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new

position due to limited practical work experience. One possibility is

re-enlistment in the Army National Guard. Should he choose this option, he

would likely be stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been

there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable

knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport nonsmoking

terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception

from local Iraquis. They have asked to be provided with details of his

arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

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