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A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." Jay Leno



President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishments in office. That's why it's a 15-second spot. Jay Leno



President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, "Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'"

Jay Leno




"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See, for President Bush it's different. His magic number is only 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win."

Jay Leno



"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into The White House unlawfully since President Bush."

David Letterman



"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off, by roughly 2.6 million jobs."

Jay Leno



"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part: nobody remembers seeing him there."

Craig Kilborn



"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges"

Jay Leno



"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots."

David Letterman



"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy.'"

Jay Leno




"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'Phhh, you mean like last time?'"

Jay Leno




"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearances with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him."

Conan O'Brien



"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors."

Jay Leno



"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!"

Jay Leno




"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words."

Jay Leno




"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, and Korean, because that's where the jobs went."

Jay Leno




"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's drinking again."

David Letterman




"Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has written a book about his years with the Bush Administration. He said that President Bush while at cabinet meetings is disengaged, he's uninformed, distracted, he's passive. And the Democrats are saying to themselves "How can we possibly beat this guy?"

David Letterman




"The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war in Iraq a disaster, and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact, President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to close down the border between Spain and the US."

Jay Leno




"The U.S. Army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said, 'Yes.'ââ'¬Â

Conan O'Brien




"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the highest state of alert and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick."

Conan O'Brien




"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said 'He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time, at an undisclosed location.' Thank God he cleared that up."

Jay Leno




"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush. He can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies."

Jay Leno




"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas, earlier today. This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?"

Craig Kilborn




"The White House has now released military documents they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election."

Jay Leno

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Just when I needed a laugh...



You have given me a good laugh, actually a number of them. thanks for setting these out.


My family (many of who are lost in the ether Republicans) will be cursing your infamous birth (and probably a few words about your mother), but I loved 'em. Especially since I don't watch the late night shows.

This is like finding money.

Thanks again.:7

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Thanx Jackhammer, Round 2


"Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions

against Iraq. ... Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they

don't have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction." —Conan



"The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly

elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will

not be as long as the one we have had in this country." —Jay Leno


"The Pentagon said this week that the war in Iraq has cost $20 billion so

far. The breakdown is operations: $10 billion;personnel: $6 billion;

getting Bush re-elected; priceless." —Bill Maher


"Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for

favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table from

contractors. You know what this means? The new country is less than a week

old, and already they have an American-style democracy." —Jay Leno


"We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You

know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be

fighting in five to ten years." —Jay Leno


"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They

were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that

spells 'OIL.'" —Jay Leno


"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three

parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." —Jay Leno


"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the

willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain." —Jon



"Did you see President Bush land on the aircraft carrier? President Bush

told reporters on the carrier after he landed that the pilot actually let

him fly the plane for a little bit. In a related story, Dick Cheney said

that he once let President Bush run the country for a few minutes." —Conan



"President Bush said that he is worried that Iraq could be overrun by

religious fundamentalists. Hey, if it's good enough for the Republican

Party, it's good enough for Iraq." —Jay Leno


"Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney.

But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping

him on the ticket.'" —Jay Leno


"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And

it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three

memos about this." —David Letterman


"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going

to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it

works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman


"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of

Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —

David Letterman


"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away

some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any

medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services

records thrown out." —Jay Leno


"The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by

'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and

'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes

wins." —Jay Leno


"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs.

Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." —Craig Kilborn


"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock

ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox

News." —Craig Kilborn


"President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence.

Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to

cover up was a stain?" —Craig Kilborn


"They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It

is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the

findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election.

President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year,

you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard." —Bill Maher


"Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had.

One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them

disappear without a trial." —Bill Maher

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RE: Thanx Jackhammer, Round 2


What is the POINT of these jokes by clueless celebrities who HAVE NO insight into what it takes to run this country? Yeah, I KNOW, that I would rather have them running the country!


Yeah, they are real funny, but can you do us a favor and cite some of those jokes by Leno, Letterman, and Conan when Clinton was the target? I'm SURE you can find some of those, especially when they center around Whitewater and Monica!


If you are going to quote jokes by these clowns in some kind of "attempt" to portray GWB as an idiot, then be fair and post their jokes about Clinton, Kerry or any other Democratic liberal! OOOPS, SORRY, that would defeat your purpose, wouldn't it? :(

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Deja vu



You may be right to point out that the jokes tend to be one sided. And I recall there was a barrage of jokes about Clinton and Gore during their eight year term in office. In fact, the right is still using Clinton as a target whenever their well runs dry. Say what you will about Clinton's ability to run a country without deficits, he surely did know how to provide comedians with a good living.


Even tho I admitted to my family yesterday, as I gleefully mailed off copies of Glutes' first post, that I would have hated it if they were Clinton jokes, I reminded them that I had to live through it when they would send page after page of Clinton jokes, or emails of essays about how Clinton was destroying the moral fiber of our society. My whining about their emails and jokes then fell on deaf ears, much as the worm has turned now.

Take it like a man.

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Giving & getting


>Yeah, they are real funny, but can you do us a favor and cite

>some of those jokes by Leno, Letterman, and Conan when Clinton

>was the target?


"If Al Gore wins the 2000 election, Joe Lieberman will become the second Jewish person to serve directly under a sitting president." -- Letterman


Why so tetchy? Every dog has his day.

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